My Wilted Blessing

I write to you this morning, conflicted. I am conflicted because I know what I am supposed to write about. But I really don’t want to.

My issue is one of pride; really, for fear that my honesty will reveal my “ugly” flesh side to you. (We all have one, you know.) But as I encourage readers to do in my new book, (Behind Those Eyes: What’s Really Going on Inside the Souls of Women) I will hold myself to the same standard of truth. I will share with you about how my stubbornness and desire to control things one day led me to miss out on something very special. It’s what I call my "wilted blessing."

It was my 12th wedding anniversary this year. Each year my husband and I try to do a small get-away to celebrate our life together, and this year was no exception. Except for one. This year, my husband offered to completely plan the whole evening, from start to finish. Ever the administrator, I usually make most of our romantic arrangements. But in his newfound planning role, Scotty seemed genuinely excited to prepare and plan in order to make it a great evening for both of us. Admittedly, I was glad to not have to handle things with the Breath of Heaven conference right around the corner, but I was also nervous to completely let go of control of the night’s plans and surrender to whatever plans he made for us!

The night arrived, and after kissing our kids goodbye and giving last minute instructions to the babysitting grandparents, we were off. Dinner was first on the agenda, and my hubby took me to one of our favorite places for dinner, where we dined on a delicious steak and seafood meal. After finishing, we left the restaurant and drove around downtown for a bit, admiring the bright lights of the city we both love. Finally, my husband had one final surprise for me. He drove a few more blocks and pulled into the parking deck of a downtown hotel. The perfect evening was going to be capped off by staying in a beautiful hotel together! Since this is something we both really enjoy doing, I was excited by the thought!

But as we pulled deeper into the parking garage, my excitement began to be replaced by concern. I noticed the look of things changing a bit, between the cracked concrete and caution tape and shady looking characters milling around the parked cars. I voiced my thoughts to my husband. “I don’t know about this, honey. Really. Maybe we should go somewhere else. Don’t ya think?” But Scotty wasn’t deterred. “No, it’ll be fine. Don’t worry. It’ll be good.” He pulled into a parking place and started to get out of the car.

At this point, I had pretty well convinced myself that I wasn’t going to stay there, no matter how persuasive Scotty was. I had already confirmed to myself that it wasn’t where I wanted to spend my anniversary night. So I spoke up again, this time with a bit more passion and a lot more verbs in my sentences. “Honey, I want to go now. This is not my idea of a nice hotel. Let’s get out of here!” Completely annoyed, Scotty was not able to hide his frustration over my requests to bail. But 12 years of marriage to me gave him insights far beyond how I like to take my coffee and what side of the bed I like to sleep on…he knew that once his stubborn wife dug her heels in about something, it was unlikely he would be able to “dig” her out. So, without a word of protest, he slammed the door shut, whipped the car into reverse, and took off. Just like that, we had exited the parking garage and taken off down the road, again.

I noticed we were heading in the direction of home and decided to break the silence with a suggestion. “Why don’t we just stay somewhere else, Scotty? Why do we have to go home? Can’t you see why I didn’t want to stay at that fleabag hotel?” Finally, Scotty spoke. “Now how do you know that hotel is a fleabag hotel? I checked it out, and I happen to know that it has a great rating and is very nice. Why don’t you trust me to get us a good place?” The temperature was rising in the car, as I shot back, “I do trust you, but that place wasn’t nice! I could see that! I don’t know why you are so sensitive about it, anyway. What’s the big deal?”

Clearly, the conversation was over in my husband’s mind. He brooded the whole way home, and I did nothing to stop him or make it better. Since I was obviously making it worse, I decided to keep my mouth shut and close my eyes on the ride home. Even though the children were staying with their grandparents, my instincts told me that there would not be much of anything besides sleep going on in my house that night.

Arriving home, we went through our usual routines of readying ourselves for bed. In the silence, we slipped into the covers and both quickly drifted off to sleep. I don’t think we even said, “goodnight.”

We woke up the next morning in a lighter mood, though still without much conversation. I had just poured my coffee when my husband spoke up. “Lisa, let’s talk, “ he said. “Ok…” I mustered back. He continued. “Do you know why I was so upset with you last night?” “Well…yes…I guess so,” I confirmed. “I was difficult and wanted my way about the hotel. I didn’t like the one you picked and couldn’t hide that very well.” He replied, “Yes, that’s part of it. You were trying to control things, and I was trying to do something nice for you by taking the stress off you to plan our night together. But there was another reason why I was so upset with you about the night that I didn’t tell you about last night." He paused, then continued. “I had ordered a dozen roses, one for each year of our marriage, to be waiting for you with a card in our hotel room. And by not giving the hotel room a shot, you ruined my plans to surprise you with a much better gift than dinner or a drive around downtown that you didn’t know anything about. That is why I was so upset.”

Moved to tears at this revelation, I felt so ashamed over my actions. But still, I didn’t want to face the fact that my desire to control things that been the cause of my missed opportunity to receive such a wonderful gift. “Why didn’t you tell me that, honey?” I asked. “If you would have, I would have definitely wanted to go ahead and stay there! I would have gone in in that case!”

With pure honesty, Scotty answered back. “Because, Lisa, I just wanted you to trust me without knowing all that information. I wanted you to trust that I would have something special for you and had a specific reason in wanting you to stay at that particular hotel, even though you didn’t know what that reason was! I wanted you to, but you didn’t.”

“I am so sorry, honey,” I said. “And I am mad at myself that my desire to control things caused me to miss out on something really special…an extra special anniversary blessing from you.” We hugged and told each other we loved each other, and he promised me he wouldn’t tell everyone about our plans that had gone a bust. We knew we would be seeing some of our good friends later on that night for a cookout and they would likely ask us about our night out. I was so embarrassed by my actions that I really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else for quite a while, if ever!

I still don’t want to talk about my actions, let alone admit them to even myself. I am still pained by the thought that I missed out on my beautiful roses, left to wilt in a hot hotel room with no one to claim them! (For all I know, they went home with a member of the housekeeping staff the next day! :)) I am still ashamed to acknowledge my stubbornness and pride, thinking I knew better and had a better plan than my husband did. I hate that my issues of control sometimes cause me to trust only myself, leaving little room to trust others…and most of all…God.

I wonder how many times God has a blessing for me that I miss out on because I try to control His will for my life. I wonder how many beautiful things He wants to give me that I unknowingly reject because of my pride and fear. I wonder why I ever think I know the best way or the most beneficial path and why I don’t trust Him to handle things for me. I wonder why things that look messy and unattractive to me at first glance cause me to shy away from them, even with the knowledge that God often uses the less glamorous things in life to bestow on us unexpected bountiful blessings.

In Malachi 3, God used His prophet in Jerusalem to remind the Jews (God’s chosen nation), of their willful disobedience towards God in several key areas. Incredulous over their lack of trust, in verse 10, God, through Malachi, tells the people what He will do if they will simply trust and obey Him. He says, “…I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!” Though He is talking about the tithe in this passage, I believe that is the message He is sending us today in the area of obedience in any and every area of our lives.

Just trust me, He says. Trust me to know what I am doing with your life. Trust me to have your best interests in mind. Trust me to have something more beautiful than you are even expecting to be waiting for you on the other side. I want to bless you. But you have to be willing to relinquish control in order to get the gift I have for you. Put me to the test. It might be messy on the way to get there, but I will be with you every step of the way. I will guide you. I will direct you. I will love you. Just ask me to prove my sovereignty to you, and I will. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

Is that where you are today? Are you trying to control your current situation? Do you think you know the best way to deal with your circumstances? Are you convinced you have the better plan figured out and need everyone, including God, to step aside so you can fulfill it? Believe me, as you just read in my very true story of what happened with my missed opportunity with my husband, you are not alone. I can relate to where you are or where you have been.

I wish I could tell you that my missed blessing with my husband was the only blessing I have missed out on because of my desire to control aspects of my life. But I’m confident that it wasn’t. But now, when I catch myself going down this road in a certain situation, those wilted roses are a reminder to me of my wilted blessing – the blessing that I might just be missing out on the next time I say “no” to something I need to say “yes” to. Especially when it comes to God.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Lisa

What is Your Egypt?

Lately, I have been studying the Old Testament book of Exodus. Having read it before, this time it is coming alive to me in a new and different way. What an amazing book it is!

As I study, I am reminded anew about the strength of the Lord. Just reading about the plagues God sent to Pharaoh and the Egyptians and His subsequent deliverance of the Israelites out of captivity makes me shake in my boots with a healthy fear of Almighty God! And the same God of the Israelites is the strong God we, as believers in Jesus Christ, serve today. While our modern-day society mocks Him both in word and in deed, He remains on the Throne – powerful…and majestic…and mighty -- unmoved by any circumstances or societal trends. Awesome!

If you have never read it or haven’t read it in awhile, read this account in Exodus 14. (Though for background sake, it is best to go back to chapter 1 and read through the first 13 exciting and action-packed chapters!) When we enter the scene, we find the Israelites fearing for their life, even after God, through Moses, led them out of captivity in Egypt. Though finally out from under the rule of Pharaoh, the once-enslaved Israelites found themselves again being pursued by the wicked king and his officials. After finally letting them go, Pharaoh had again hardened his heart and decided to chase after them to re-capture them. (14:5-9)

Running scared, the people of Israel were understandably afraid. Verse 10 describes the scene… "As Pharaoh and his army approached, the people of Israel could see them in the distance, marching toward them. The people began to panic, and they cried out to the Lord for help.” Things were looking bad for the Israelites, and fear was beginning to set in. Big time.

Though weak in their faith, the people had a strong leader in Moses. Moses believed in the power of God to deliver them, having witnessed it firsthand on many occasions, and he encouraged them to test the Lord’s power for themselves. (verse 13) “But Moses told the people, ‘Don’t be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. You won’t have to lift a finger in your defense!’ ”

And in the next 16 verses, God did His thing. He brought the method, the means and the miracle to lead His people to ultimate freedom, courtesy of the Red Sea. Way cool.

~The Method…
"Then the angel of God, who had been leading the people of Israel, moved to a position behind them, and the pillar of cloud also moved around behind them. The cloud settled between the Israelite and Egyptian camps. As night came, the pillar of cloud turned into a pillar of fire, lighting the Israelite camp. But the cloud became darkness to the Egyptians, and they couldn’t find the Israelites.” (vs.19-20)

~The Means…
"The Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind. The wind blew all that night, turning the seabed into dry land. So the people of Israel walked through the sea on dry ground, with walls of water on each side!” (vs.21-22)

~The Miracle…
"When all the Israelites were on the other side, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Raise your hand over the sea again. Then the waters will rush back over the Egyptian chariots and charioteers.’ So as the sun began to rise, Moses raised his hand over the sea. The water roared back into its usual place, and the Lord swept the terrified Egyptians into the surging currents. The waters covered all the chariots and charioteers – the entire army of Pharaoh. Of all the Egyptians who had chased the Israelites into the sea, not a single one survived. The people of Israel had walked through the middle of the sea on dry land, as the water stood up like a wall on both sides. This was how the Lord rescued Israel from the Egyptians that day.” (vs. 26-30)

Man. If that isn’t powerful stuff, I don’t know what is.

But I know what you are thinking. Yes, that’s awesome, Lisa…but just what is the point of your blog today?

:) I’m so glad you asked.

Right before God’s deliverance by way of the parting of the Red Sea, things looked really bad for the Israelites. They were afraid, and they doubted God. They were concerned for the outcome and did not understand the process. Need proof? Consider these verses:
“Then they {Israelites} turned against Moses and complained, ‘Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? Why did you make us leave? Didn’t we tell you to leave us alone while we were still in Egypt? Our Egyptian slavery was far better than dying out here in the wilderness!” (vs. 11-12)

Can’t you just hear the panic in their voices? The Israelites were so reluctant to trust God that they wanted to go back to what was familiar to them, even if that meant again becoming enslaved! Sounds almost unbelievable, right? Or does it sound awfully familiar?

Ouch.

Like the Israelites, things often look bleak for us before God delivers us from something. Right before we are rescued, we often feel pursued, hunted, persecuted, and even, forgotten. Just as the intensity maximizes for a birthing mother right before delivery happens, intensity often occurs for us right before our deliverance by God.

So, I ask you today…What is your Egypt?

What do you need deliverance from?

Do you think He knows about your concerns?

Do you think He cares?

Do you trust Him to do the job?

Remember…the method belongs to Him…He can choose to use whatever process He wants to deliver you from your Egypt. The means are His to dole out; in whatever way He decides to do it. And the miracle is His to bring forth. All He has to do is say the word.

I don’t know what your “Egypt” is today, but God does. Just as Moses instructed the people of Israel to do when crying out for deliverance, I implore you (and me!) today to stand there and watch the Lord rescue you. You don't have to lift a finger to try to help God out. He already has that covered.

I don’t know how He’ll do it. I don’t know when He’ll do it. But I know that He can do it. In fact, He can do much, much more.

Paul reminds us of this in Ephesians 3:20…. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…”

Stop running. Stop trying. Stop pushing. Start resting.

Your Egypt is not too hard for God.

Lisa

All in the Perspective

Anyone who knows me knows I love to read. Love, love, love, love, love it!!!!

I have about 5-8 books at all times that I want to dive into, but a lack of time keeps me from it. I get to them when I can, usually grabbing a few minutes during carline when I am waiting to pick up my kids. I am a fast reader, thankfully, but still…it takes me awhile to finish a book when I finally get to actually start it!

Oh well. :)

So…I’ve had a book that I wanted to read for quite some time, but I finally got around to reading it. It is one of the most poignant and powerful books I have read in a very long time, and I want to recommend it to you.

Actually, I want to recommend it and its follow-up book, equally powerful for me, and written by the same woman. The books are entitled, When I Lay My Isaac Down and A New Kind of Normal. They are by Carol Kent, and you can buy them online at Amazon or Christian Books or at any local Christian bookstore (and likely a Barnes and Noble or Borders in your area). If you have not read them, please go get them and read them. And if you know of someone who has gone or is going through a life-altering circumstance, please recommend these books to them. They are truly awesome books with a strong message of hope in the midst of deep pain.

Looking back, I wish I had these books when Scotty and I went through our deep valley a few years back with his job loss. These books would have really ministered to me in a time when I felt like no one really understood what we were going through. As anyone who goes through a major life interruption can testify, these situations forever alter your life and change your perspective. It’s similar to how your perspective changes when you become a new mom, but obviously for a much different (and much more joyful) reason.

I can remember the first time I noticed this change in my perspective after having my first child. We were visiting a friend’s home and went in the backyard to have some coffee and good conversation. My friend led me out on their deck, flanked by a beautifully tiled pool and hot tub. The grand landscaping and serene setting surrounded me, but all I could focus on was the watery death trap staring back at me, making me afraid. Though I have always loved pools and swimming, this time it was different. As a new mom, I saw something through a completely different lens. What I once saw as a fun and enjoyable pasttime, I now saw as an extreme hazard to my young son, should he fall into the water. I knew then that after entering this new stage in my life, my perspective about things would likely never again be the same.

Similarly, when Scotty lost his job in 2002, my perspective forever changed. After having gone through nearly 18 months with no job, no longer was I only mildly sympathetic to people who had major life interruptions like mine. No longer did I mutter under my breath, “Oh, bless their heart” when someone mentioned prayer in church for an acquaintance who lost their job and then fail to actually pray for them. No longer did I take for granted the things I once did, like buying a $3.25 Starbucks or going to the ATM machine to withdraw $20 for whatever I wanted to spend it on. I could no longer stand any interactions with people that I did not feel were real, completely rejecting those I perceived as fake! I promised God that on the other side of our circumstance, I would always remember what it felt like to live a less-than-perfect life so I could relate to so many others. And nearly 7 years later, I haven’t forgotten those feelings yet. And I truly hope and pray I never will, as it allows me a much richer appreciation for life and God’s blessings.

So, go out and get these books. And after you read them, pass them on to someone who God lays on your heart. They are not just for people who have faced deep valleys or great pain in life, though all of us have in some way, haven’t we? And as we near Thanksgiving Day, join me in praying for a newfound appreciation for what we DO have, rather than what we DON’T. After reading these two books by Carol Kent, your perspective on what really matters just may change.

Lisa

From Diets to Depth

I woke up this morning feeling utterly hopeless about ever losing weight.

Like so many other women, I have always struggled with an extra 10-20 pounds, depending on how much chocolate I ate while I was PMSing the month before. (or which baby I just had and how much weight I gained with that particular pregnancy!) Besides the time in college when my eating habits were grossly unhealthy, I have never been a part of the “skinny girl’s club.” I’ve always wanted to be, but never was granted admission and likely never will be.

So this morning when I was lamenting to myself about my lack of motivation to go on yet another diet (which I won’t stick to long-term, by the way), the scene felt all-too familiar. I have been there, done that, so many times before in the past that I have become sick of hearing my very own thoughts about it!

My mother-in-law and I met for lunch, which started out in the usual way. Since my feelings about my self were already toxic, I decided to indulge in some good old southern food to medicate myself, conceal my concerns, and numb my emotions on the subject. We ate and made small talk for nearly an hour until it was almost time to go pick up my boys from school. That is when the breakthrough happened.

You know how sometimes when you verbalize something to someone else you speak the truth to yourself about what you are dealing with in the process?

That’s exactly what happened to me.

We were talking about how God was working in each of our lives in different areas, calling us to a more intimate relationship with Him. For me, this means cleaning out 3 specific areas that I constantly struggle with, two of which (for now) will remain anonymous. But the third is in the area of my eating habits and my struggle with weight.

She shared her concerns in another area, and I maintained my usual role of self-appointed counselor with the answer I felt sure she needed to hear. All the while, I was not thinking about my own struggles, just how to help her through hers. Sincerely, I said, “I just believe that the more you fall in love with Jesus, your desire becomes to let go of anything that stands in the way of a right relationship with Him.”

Boom.

There it came. My own words were being used to speak to me. Or…could it have been…some heavenly wisdom spoken loudly enough for me to hear?

For me, it’s really not about another diet. It’s not about counting my calories or calculating carbs or fat grams. If it were about knowledge, I would be the President of the Skinny Girl’s Club. I know basically everything there is to know on this subject! But it is about what is standing in my way of a complete right relationship with my Lord. And in my case, that is my love for food.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that food is wrong. Food is not wrong. Food is not the enemy. Eating healthy is VITALLY important and spiritually correct. (Eccles. 9:7: “So go ahead. Eat your food with joy…for God approves of this!” NLT) This issue for me has virtually nothing to do with food at all. It has everything to do with how I am careless (and yes, even sinful)to allow food and my weight to interfere with my relationship with God. And that is not ok.

I want to love Jesus and desire a right relationship with Him so much that any and everything that stands in the way of that should and will disgust me to the point that I deny it. By that, I don’t mean that I should deny food altogether. That would be wrong. But it means that I am spiritually and physically balanced so that my eating habits will, once and for all, change. I need to reserve my love, passion and obsession only for Him.

For me it’s my relationship with food, but it’s really the same with any addiction…to shopping, to watching TV, to emailing or blogging, to gossiping, to worry or fear, to pornography…whatever. Whatever it is that stands in the way of a right relationship with God has to be eliminated. For good. Forever.

So, I blog today with a renewed sense of hope about my struggle in the weight game. I DO NOT have any greater hope that I will go on a diet, stick to that diet, and lose weight the healthy and right way. I know myself, and I know I won’t do that for long.

But there IS something I can do. I am not helplessly bound in my struggle with weight, doomed to keep on those nagging extra pounds for the rest of my life.

What I know is that I have more room – much more room – in my life to love Jesus more passionately. It is something I pray will increase everyday that I am allowed to live on this earth. And that gives me great hope that I can and will fight against my temptations and obsessions and urgings with the help of the great lover of my soul.

So, here I go. In the words of the old hymn, in my spiritual quest for falling deeper in love with Christ I am praying that the “things of this earth will grow strangely dim…in the light of His glory and grace.” Translation: My love for food will decrease into just a healthly part of my life, not a central focus of it.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

(P.S. If you want to keep me accountable, ask me “How much are you loving Jesus these days?” I’ll know what you mean and appreciate your willingness to help “sharpen” me. :)

Lisa

Confessions, Concerns, and Convictions (about Parenting in 2008)

So many things about parenting freak me out, I don’t even know where to begin.

The tough lessons start early, I have found, and while they get logistically easier in many ways, they get mentally, psychologically, and spiritually tougher with each year of parenting. With my oldest child nearly 10, I know I have yet to experience many of my parenting challenges. But I am slowly beginning to get a small glimpse into some of what is to come. Such things make me, at times, want to run and hide from my responsibilities of being a parent.

The truth is, it really goes a bit deeper than that. Honestly, I have sleepless nights sometimes over this issue – nights of deep anxiety over parenting my children in this world in which we live in.

Do any of you parents share my concern?

I admit that there are times my concerns over this can be so gripping that I am overwhelmed by my thoughts. How can I be a good enough parent to combat all the sickness of our society? How can I teach my children everything they need to learn to cope with our current culture? Will my training and example be enough to compensate for the secular messages they are being bombarded with through the powerful media pulls?

With these questions, I can get caught up in a monsoon of fears for my children in about 2 seconds flat.

Can you relate?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hopeless to even try. Based on my knowledge of the Word of God and my personal relationship with Him, I know that it’s not. But with all the junk of the world influencing our kids, just what are Christian parents to do?

While I know there is no magic formula that will alleviate all our concerns and guarantee our successes, I have been convinced, of late, that there are certainly some things that will help keep us from a sure spiral into secularism in rearing our children…

1) Live by your own personal high standard of integrity.
It has been proven that children oftentimes model what they are shown. It is vitally important that we model virtues such as modesty, integrity, and respect and set examples for our children. They are watching us and observing our life to find out what is real. No standard of Christ likeness is too high to show our children. Even small issues such as what we listen to on the radio in the car (song lyrics), what we wear, how we conduct ourselves with store clerks and others do not go unnoticed by our children. Don’t be fooled by Satan’s lie that these things don’t really affect or influence them.

2) Develop your absolutes.
Determining what are your absolute standards and non-negotiable truths is a huge factor in Christian parenting. While some behaviors and attitudes can and should be sometimes overlooked and downplayed, matters that hold future spiritual and physical ramifications should never be ignored or skipped over. Things like honesty, modesty, respect for authority, treating others with kindness and grace, and owning personal choices hold great importance both in the present and in the future. If they don’t develop those absolutes now, it will influence every choice they make and every relationship they have in the future.

3) Find your acceptable compromises.
This goes hand-in-hand with developing your absolutes. Though I am a strong advocate of consistent discipline, when a child is corrected about everything and told they can’t do anything, it puts the absolutes (that are truly important) and the less important issues on the same level. This can be dangerous and counter-productive. Finding those acceptable compromises are crucial to the process of teaching our children to discern for themselves (in the future) what is best for them…what is ok for them…and what things should be fiercely avoided.

4) Hold on to the Truth with dear life.
Deut. 13:4 says it best…“You are to follow only God, your God, hold him in deep reverence, keep his commandments, listen obediently to what he says, serve him—and hold on to him for dear life!” (The Msg.) As parents, our grip must be firmly holding onto our Lord, Jesus Christ, as we guide our children. He must serve as our compass, our standard, and our Truth. After all, their very life DOES depend on it!

Doing these things certainly do not guarantee that our children will be immune from the woos of secular society, with its many temptings and trappings. It doesn’t mean that they won’t disappoint us or break our hearts or that the difficulties won’t continue, and maybe even, increase. But with a maintained hope in our good God that He will help us maneuver these very difficult parenting waters and a firm belief in the Truth of His Word, we can lay our head on the pillow at night and trust in someone other than ourselves to parent our children in the right way.

Proverbs 3:24: “when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. “ (NIV)

May sweet sleep be upon us, as we seek to do this parent thing God's way...despite all of our daily concerns and dilemmas. Remember...all things are possible through Him. I'm hanging onto that! :)

Lisa