From Diets to Depth

I woke up this morning feeling utterly hopeless about ever losing weight.

Like so many other women, I have always struggled with an extra 10-20 pounds, depending on how much chocolate I ate while I was PMSing the month before. (or which baby I just had and how much weight I gained with that particular pregnancy!) Besides the time in college when my eating habits were grossly unhealthy, I have never been a part of the “skinny girl’s club.” I’ve always wanted to be, but never was granted admission and likely never will be.

So this morning when I was lamenting to myself about my lack of motivation to go on yet another diet (which I won’t stick to long-term, by the way), the scene felt all-too familiar. I have been there, done that, so many times before in the past that I have become sick of hearing my very own thoughts about it!

My mother-in-law and I met for lunch, which started out in the usual way. Since my feelings about my self were already toxic, I decided to indulge in some good old southern food to medicate myself, conceal my concerns, and numb my emotions on the subject. We ate and made small talk for nearly an hour until it was almost time to go pick up my boys from school. That is when the breakthrough happened.

You know how sometimes when you verbalize something to someone else you speak the truth to yourself about what you are dealing with in the process?

That’s exactly what happened to me.

We were talking about how God was working in each of our lives in different areas, calling us to a more intimate relationship with Him. For me, this means cleaning out 3 specific areas that I constantly struggle with, two of which (for now) will remain anonymous. But the third is in the area of my eating habits and my struggle with weight.

She shared her concerns in another area, and I maintained my usual role of self-appointed counselor with the answer I felt sure she needed to hear. All the while, I was not thinking about my own struggles, just how to help her through hers. Sincerely, I said, “I just believe that the more you fall in love with Jesus, your desire becomes to let go of anything that stands in the way of a right relationship with Him.”

Boom.

There it came. My own words were being used to speak to me. Or…could it have been…some heavenly wisdom spoken loudly enough for me to hear?

For me, it’s really not about another diet. It’s not about counting my calories or calculating carbs or fat grams. If it were about knowledge, I would be the President of the Skinny Girl’s Club. I know basically everything there is to know on this subject! But it is about what is standing in my way of a complete right relationship with my Lord. And in my case, that is my love for food.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that food is wrong. Food is not wrong. Food is not the enemy. Eating healthy is VITALLY important and spiritually correct. (Eccles. 9:7: “So go ahead. Eat your food with joy…for God approves of this!” NLT) This issue for me has virtually nothing to do with food at all. It has everything to do with how I am careless (and yes, even sinful)to allow food and my weight to interfere with my relationship with God. And that is not ok.

I want to love Jesus and desire a right relationship with Him so much that any and everything that stands in the way of that should and will disgust me to the point that I deny it. By that, I don’t mean that I should deny food altogether. That would be wrong. But it means that I am spiritually and physically balanced so that my eating habits will, once and for all, change. I need to reserve my love, passion and obsession only for Him.

For me it’s my relationship with food, but it’s really the same with any addiction…to shopping, to watching TV, to emailing or blogging, to gossiping, to worry or fear, to pornography…whatever. Whatever it is that stands in the way of a right relationship with God has to be eliminated. For good. Forever.

So, I blog today with a renewed sense of hope about my struggle in the weight game. I DO NOT have any greater hope that I will go on a diet, stick to that diet, and lose weight the healthy and right way. I know myself, and I know I won’t do that for long.

But there IS something I can do. I am not helplessly bound in my struggle with weight, doomed to keep on those nagging extra pounds for the rest of my life.

What I know is that I have more room – much more room – in my life to love Jesus more passionately. It is something I pray will increase everyday that I am allowed to live on this earth. And that gives me great hope that I can and will fight against my temptations and obsessions and urgings with the help of the great lover of my soul.

So, here I go. In the words of the old hymn, in my spiritual quest for falling deeper in love with Christ I am praying that the “things of this earth will grow strangely dim…in the light of His glory and grace.” Translation: My love for food will decrease into just a healthly part of my life, not a central focus of it.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

(P.S. If you want to keep me accountable, ask me “How much are you loving Jesus these days?” I’ll know what you mean and appreciate your willingness to help “sharpen” me. :)

Lisa