I'm Sure I Don't Know

Good Monday Morning, Friends!

I hope and trust all of you had a wonderful Christmas, as did I. Many pieces of fudge and several undeserving gifts later, I, for one, am worn out! :)

I have missed you, my Yes to God girlfriends, since our Bible Study concluded a few weeks ago and have been meaning to tell you just how much! Thank you for your love and well wishes over the holidays. I thought of you and look forward to getting back to visiting your blogs soon to see where God is taking you on your “get real” journey. Please know I haven’t forgotten the time we shared! :)

With prayer and discipline, I plan to get back to my normalcy with blogging what is on my heart, at least once a week, in 2009. This morning I find myself with a deadline for my article in Connection Magazine (www.womenoffaith.com) upon me, so this post will need to be brief in order for me to meet it!

Every month in the coming year, Connection has a theme – all centered on your relationship with someone. The copy I am working on has a theme of Your Relationship with God. I have to admit that it has had me a little stumped for direction. To me, the subject is wider, deeper and broader than I can write about in 1500 words. So I have been praying about what direction to take.

After several weeks of contemplation and asking for opinions from others, I’ve settled on the Hebrews 4:15 approach with a title of “My Cul-de-sac Jesus: Doing Life with a Personal God.” In thinking about all the aspects of my relationship with God, the fact that He is a very personal God who is intimately aware, concerned, and involved with my everyday life and circumstances is among what I most appreciate. Many of us grew up with ideas of who God was – many of us were taught something about Him. But as we all know by now, who we think God is, at some point in life, has to become personal. Especially in the midst of our trying and painful times.

Of all the things I don't know, one thing I’m sure of is that I can't anticipate what the new year of 2009 will bring. I think I’m pretty safe to assume that none of us can. We may think we have it figured out in some way, but life is never-always sure, fair, and predictable. Just this week, two of my friends in two different circles of life both emailed me to tell me their husband no longer loves them and has asked for a divorce. One friend was rushed to the hospital one week ago, only to determine she had Leukemia and was thought to have only 2-4 weeks to live. It wasn’t long ago that all of these friends thought they had their future figured out, too.

So knowing that God is near…present…and involved in my life is something I need to take with me into 2009, a year that is sure to bring unpredictability. I’m thankful, today, that in this life I do not have to go it alone, but rather, I have access to a very personal God who lives with me – not just in my mind – but in my heart and on my cul-de-sac.

An Open Letter to a Christmas Angel

Dear Marcia,

You didn’t even notice me today. I’m sure of it. Because if you had, I know you would have sent a smile my way. You’ve done it many times before when I have been in your store.

Standing nearby, you probably thought I was simply printing off pictures at the nifty little Kodak kiosk in front of your register. I was, but that wasn’t all I was doing. I was also watching you.

I watched you smile at every customer you serviced. Some of them, I’m sure, were strangers to you. Others, I could tell, were acquaintances; many of whom had undoubtedly become your friends through frequent stop-ins for a few forgotten necessities. Regardless, you treated them all the same. Warm. Friendly. Accommodating. Important.

I watched as you helped a woman use her debit card in the machine, turning it the right way to make it go in, quickly and quietly, so as not to embarrass her. I watched as you threw your head back and laughed when your co-worker whispered something in your ear that probably wasn’t even all that funny. I watched as you limped over in your signature fashion to Aisle One to retrieve an item for a customer in a hurry, too busy to be bothered with finding something themselves.

Just when I was about to stop watching, she came up to your counter. Frail and elderly, she reeked of smoke…so much so that I at first turned my head to catch a clean breath. The chair that housed her doubled as her shopping cart, with her purchases resting safely between her feet. Her face held more lines than I had seen on anyone, ever before.

Ironically, she came to you, asking for a moisturizer of a specific kind. She wanted to buy it, she said, for comfort, not for vanity, because at her age, who would notice? You smiled and then looked, but didn’t find it. Then you did something you didn’t have to do.

You picked up the phone and dialed a number. It was the Rite Aid across the street, a competitor of your employer. You asked the person on the other end if they had the product, and then you hung up the phone with a satisfied smile.

Yes, they had what she was looking for, you told your customer. Clearly sensing her hesitation, you asked her if she was ok…how she would get there…and if she had a car. But you didn’t stop there.

When she replied that her car was nearly out of gas, you made a suggestion that I was not prepared to hear. You gently, but firmly told her that you were going across the street to get it for her. When she said she was planning to use her debit card for the purchase, you told her that you would pay for the item and she could simply pay you back. Listening to you talk, I almost could not believe my ears. I waited to see if you would really go through with it. As I believed you would, you did. Even though the store was busy and people were waiting. Even though you hadn't yet asked your boss if you could. You didn’t even hesitate.

I have seen and heard a lot of things this holiday season. A busy shopper accidentally bumping into a woman standing too close. A baby crying, tired and anxious from all the over stimulation of seasonal hustle and bustle. The familiar sounds of Christmas carols and bell ringers from the Salvation Army. The excited child giggling with her friend, waiting in line to sit on Santa’s lap and make her requests.

But what I saw and heard today was among the sweetest of all Christmas sounds. It was the sight of a woman who cared. It was the sound of a woman who served. It was the picture of what “loving your neighbor” looks like. It was a reminder to me that not everyone in the world is a taker…there is such thing as customer service…and not everyone just looks out for #1.

I came to your store to finish up my Christmas shopping. But what I got when I came was much more meaningful than any gift I could buy, wrap and place under my tree.

I got to see love, in action. Care, in motion. Concern, in full bloom.

You could have stopped being accommodating at any point. And even then, you would have still been a nice person who did her job well. But instead, you chose to love, care and concern yourself with a person who was in need. You saw that need and responded. You went above and beyond what was written in your employee handbook.

And all the while, a girl who was printing off pictures at the nifty little kiosk in front of your register was watching. You weren’t trying to impress me. And really, you didn’t. Instead, you did something much more significant.

Marcia, you blessed me.

And so, today, I say thank you. Thank you for getting involved in a life. Caring for a stranger. And reminding me that love is much more sweet when you give it away.

Now may God bless you, Christmas angel. He was watching, too.

A Much Needed Pause

I learned two key things last weekend.

1)In the midst of real life with real issues and real struggles, God is gracious to give us beautiful moments to enjoy.

2)My husband is a really good sport.

I’ll get back to number one in a minute, but since I know you are waiting with baited breath to see my husband in a reindeer costume, I won’t make you wait any longer. I think you’ll agree with my point number two after seeing this picture…





















My cute hubby, a.k.a. Cupid, is pictured here on the right with his friend and co-hort, Mike (a.k.a. Comet), at our 2nd annual Whittle Class Christmas Party. These two are notorious for showing up in costume, no matter what our class event is. Last year, they appeared as Santa and his favorite elf. Before I show the picture to remind you, let me add here, unequivocally, that grown men should never, ever wear tights or beaded tunics. Ever.





















But back to the reindeer costume. My girlfriend (Comet’s wife) and I nearly wet our pants while we were making the costumes. I’m afraid I may need some counseling for how much pleasure I took in pinning a spraypainted swiffer pad to the back of the boy's pants to serve as the “tail.”














Yes, my hubby is a good sport. He may drive me nuts with his lame attempt at rapping and he might be the biggest procrastinator I have ever met, but anyone who lets his wife dress him up in women’s brown stretch pants and reindeer headgear is a good man. Or at least, a man with a really healthy self-esteem who knows how not to take himself too seriously and have a good time. He is also the fearless leader of our nearly 200 member class and he brings the Word to us every week in a dynamic and relevant way! (I’m grateful to say, not in a reindeer costume, though.) Can you tell I’m a fan? :)

But enough about number two.

Last weekend I also learned something else. Well, not really learned, as it was something I already knew. And that is, that in the midst of life and all its struggles, God reminded me of how very good He is to give us those little “nuggets” to enjoy.

This was one of those such nuggets.


Last Saturday was our 4th annual trip to the mountains to chop down a Christmas tree. I have to admit that the pragmatist in me resists this tradition every year when it rolls around. But while both my husband and I are tempted to go two miles down the road and buy a pre-cut tree for our family to enjoy, our children’s joy in this special yearly tradition keeps us paying the gas money, driving the 4-hour round trip and risking life and limb to climb with a saw and a stick in search of the perfect tree.

But the fun doesn’t stop there.

As has been our tradition for the past 4 years, “Comet” and his family always go along with us. For the past two years we have rented a van and ridden together to ensure the full Griswold experience. And this year was no exception. On Saturday morning we all piled into a 15-passenger van and set out on our tree chopping excursion. 4 adults, 7 kids and 2 small dogs.

We knew it would be fun. We knew it would be loud. We knew it would cost more than we should spend, in both time and money. But we knew it would be well worth it, just for the experience.

What we didn’t know is that just as we would make our way up the mountain, a light dusting of snow would appear and cover the road beneath us. It’s presence incited lots of “oohs” and “aahs” from the kids, and a few from us, as well.

And as I got to the top of the mountain and looked down around me at all the beauty my eyes could behold, I felt really grateful for the moment. 7 kids swirling around. 2 dogs sniffing their surroundings. Great friends. Majestic trees. A borrowed hat and gloves to keep my hands warm. A light dusting of snow to quite literally cap it all off.

In that moment, I didn’t forget that the mortgage was due and that life is not perfect. Nor did I forget that the pressure to sell more books and speak more places awaited me at home, as did the three loads of laundry sitting on my laundry room floor. But I did feel grateful to God for those moments in life that He gives to bring us pleasure and joy, despite all the rest.

The simple reprieves. A quiet pause. A moment to exhale or maybe one to take it all in. Reasons to be grateful in a very temporary world that He has dropped us in for a little while. Beautiful moments in life to enjoy.

On this particular day, it was with 1 "reindeer-ish" husband, 3 irresistable offspring, and a really amazing view.

Calling all Praying Friends

Hi friends!
I intended to post today about my weekend Christmas party and trip to the mountains, but I'm afraid the pictures of my husband in a reindeer costume are gonna have to wait until Monday. Believe me, they are worth coming back for! :)

On a much more serious and important note, I am writing tonight to ask for you to pray.

Some of you may remember THIS POST I wrote back in April about our friend, Kris Lawing. If you didn't, please go back and read that post now, as I think it will stir your heart to pray for him. Kris is a 37 year old with lung cancer, diagnosed less than a year ago after never having smoked and a track record of near perfect health. Even more complicated, his lung cancer had spread to places in his brain before it was initially detected. He has a sweet wife and a little 7 year old boy. Needless to say, it has been a tough 9months for his family since his diagnosis.

Kris had a body scan two days ago and it showed two new spots in addition to a spot they were watching. Not only did that spot not go away, but now these two spots have appeared. They are quite sure it is "disease." Obviously, the family is devastated by the news. He will begin chemo again after the holidays.

So...I am asking for your prayers. Kris and his family need them. I know you are praying friends, and that is why I am coming to you! God hasn't "left the building," and He very much wants us to access Him through our prayers!

On behalf of Kris and his family...thank you.

Worth Repeating

Just a few days ago, I was lamenting to God about how financially difficult it is right now for our small company. Almost as soon as the words left my lips, this verse popped into my mind…

“Rejoice in the Lord, always, and again, I say, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4)

I can fondly remember singing this verse in a round as a child in Sunday School. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about a busted, broke-down economy, high mortgages, gas-guzzling SUV’s or the cost of 3 kids in private school. I was just praising God in the best way I knew how with no set of particular circumstances in mind. And under normal, everyday, 6-year-old circumstances, that just isn’t all that hard to do.

When Paul wrote this passage to the church at Philippi, his circumstances were quite different than mine during my round singing days at church. He didn’t write this passage while lounging by the pool at the Ritz or in a coconut hut in Saint Tropez. No, he wrote this passage while heavily shackled in a Roman prison, praying for a crack of daylight. Where he was, there were no little umbrellas in fruity drinks, and let’s just say that his roomies were likely not round singing types.

His circumstances? Hardly rejoice-worthy.

Yet he wrote those words as an encouragement to those Philippi friends, and almost certainly…to himself. In fact, he says the same thing twice in the same verse, which leads me to believe that either the dust mites in prison were getting to his head and causing him to forget what he had just said, or he thought it so important it deserved saying it more than once. I tend to believe the latter.

Friends, we live in a time of real problems under real circumstances – we are real people dealing with real life. And I won’t lie to you…sometimes, real life gets pretty tough.

But real life and real problems don’t make this verse any less applicable or important. And regardless of whether our circumstances were different the first time we heard this verse or what they will be the next time we hear this verse, its truth doesn’t change. Because no matter what else happens, God doesn’t stop being worth rejoicing over.

In this simple verse, Paul doesn’t tell us to rejoice in our bank account. Or in our stocks or our Gucci handbags. Or in our relationships. Or in our home or even, in our church. He simply tells us to rejoice in the one Thing that isn’t affected by a recession or world crisis. He tells us to rejoice in JESUS.

So I go into this week with this verse on my mind, living in a world with a busted, broken-down economy, with bills to pay and a to-do list a mile long.

But I go rejoicing in Jesus, because He doesn’t need a buy-out to maintain His position in the Universe. His status as I AM is not taking a 20% decrease this year nor is He going out of business.

He is still the same God He was back when Paul wrote about him in a dingy prison – the same God I sung about in my round singing days in Sunday School. My circumstances are different, but my powerful God is not.

Rejoice, this week, friends, and always. Oh, and don't forget to rejoice.

P.S. I plan to post again on Wednesday or Thursday, so please come back! We had our annual Whittle class Christmas party this weekend, as well as a tree chopping excursion in the mountains, complete with 4 adults, 7 kids and 2 small dogs in a 15-passenger van. And I've got pictures to prove it. :)

His Gift to a Humpty Dumpty like Me

Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone.
Black Friday has, too.
And now, 24 days until Christmas.

I don’t know about you, but I am really feeling the holiday buzz this year. And I am determined – maybe more than ever before -- to remember what the season is really all about!

So when I came across this passage over the weekend, I knew it was a gentle reminder from Him to help me in my desire to “keep it real” over Christmas.

(A word of caution before you read it…read it slowly and soak it in. You may even need to re-read a few times. It’s REALLY that good. )

“Why is everyone hungry for more?
‘More, more,’ they say. ‘More, more.’
I have God's more-than-enough,
more joy in one ordinary day than they get in all their shopping sprees.
At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep,
for you, God, have put my life back together.” Psalm 4:6-8 (The Message)

No commentary needed.

This beautiful passage speaks for itself.

Needless to say, I'll be adding a new tradition to the others this year: reading Psalm 4:6-8 for the next 24 days and thinking about...

...God's more than enough.

...more joy in one ordinary day than in all the shopping sprees.

...sound sleep.

...Him putting my Humpty Dumpty self back together again.

Wanna join me?

Doggone Tired

This fashionista in the cute pink sweater is what has been keeping me busy the past week. (Her sister, sitting underneath her, is doing the same to my girlfriend, Michelle!)

As if PMS, a sinus infection and Thanksgiving dinner at my house this week weren’t stressful enough, my husband and I decided to speed up my impending insanity and adopt a little black fur ball as an early Christmas present for our children. They say she is “man’s best friend” (whoever “they” are), but as of today, I remain unconvinced. Please don't think I'm uncaring, as I grew up dog-less and up until Sunday, had yet to experience the love of being a pet owner. Perhaps my bias comes from the fact I am heavy in the throws of potty training a sweet, precious puppy that prefers my carpet to the great outdoors. Oh, where is the dog whisperer when I need him?

Advice is appreciated. Support and understanding is preferred. :)

So in order to avoid having to don a white straight jacket and reside in a padded room, I have decided to take this week off from blogging. Since I know you support my desire for mental health and well-being, I say "thank you" for the grace as I take a few days off to decompress and bond with our cute little Maggie!

But as we near Thanksgiving Day, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to let you know how much I appreciate you, my bloggy friends, and how thankful I am that God has allowed something I never intended to do in the first place to turn into a most beautiful blessing in my life.

Now I will pray that my experience with said fashionista in the cute pink sweater will turn out the same. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

Picture This

This picture hangs in my living room.

It is the first thing you see when you enter my home.

But it is much more to me than just a beautiful art piece that my amazing artist-friend painted…(And incidentally, painted upside-down at that! www.alancapps.com)

It represents a picture of the last chapter in Behind Those Eyes, The Truth Heals.

As I’ve said before, The Truth Heals is my favorite chapter in the book, without a doubt. It resonates with me like none other, probably because it is the message that took me the longest to own. It was written, almost before any other word in the book. Before I knew exactly how the rest of the chapters would play out, I knew for sure where I wanted to end up…discovering what are the results of a truth-centered life: that of a healed, thriving existence. The results for me didn’t come easy. But I can say that they have been tried and tested and proven true.

To get there I have asked you, my girlfriends, to consider some things. I have asked you to do some things that were not necessarily easy or comfortable. I have asked you to get real and become vulnerable, maybe...for once...and prayerfully...forever.

The first time I introduced truth to you in this book in Chapter One, The Truth Hurts, it likely did not soothe you in the way you craved. Many of you told me so in your emails and posts and comments. Instead, it pushed you and challenged you and made you question whether or not the truth journey was really that important in the first place. You just don’t know how earnestly I prayed that you would stick around long enough to read the end of the story.

And nine chapters and many weeks of soul searching later, my prayer today is that looking at truth now incites different feelings for you than it did on week one. I pray you know today in the deepest place in your soul, all of these beautiful and true things that you are…

Imperfect.

Forgiven.

Loved.

Accepted.

When we are free to be imperfect, loved anyway, and created for a purpose, we see for ourselves that the benefits of facing truth far outweigh any temporary pain we might feel to get there. No matter how hurtful the initial heart digging might have been, it's my strongest belief that living in complete and total authenticity is worth the very painful extrication effort.

I hope and pray that is your testimony.

Now, friends, is the time to apply it. It’s time to live out the message in Behind Those Eyes…the message of TRUTH that the picture hanging on my living room wall represents. As I said in THIS POST (written on week one of the study), I can’t convince you to make the necessary application -- though in the 226 pages of this book, I have certainly presented you with my best plea. But at the end of the day, that is a decision only you can make.

With the study nearing its end, someone recently sent me an email and thanked me for the “simplicity” of this book. When I read the email, the word “simplicity” struck me and I immediately began to think of the book in those terms. Though I love and respect amazing literary works by gifted authors, I also acknowledge and appreciate that my writing translates as “simple” to the reader. I gratefully take the characterization, as I feel in good company. After all, the message of Jesus Christ is simple at its core. (Remember, Jesus said that He made His message easy enough for even children to understand...my paraphrase, of course.)

Yes, the message of Behind Those Eyes is simple, though that has not meant easy. For many of us, we never thought "simple" could be so hard! :) But perhaps the most significant thing we have taken from these past 9 weeks is the realization that growing deeper with God and thriving in life simply cannot happen if we miss the "simple" in search of what seems better. We can’t attend enough conferences to make us well. We can’t marry a good enough person or have enough children. We can’t find a job fulfilling enough. We can’t pretend our way into it.

Truth is simple, friends. But simple doesn’t mean trite. In this case, simple means rich…trouble-free…uncomplicated…and oh-so-fulfilling. It means forming relationships with people that are healthy, maybe for the first time in our life. It means laying our head on the pillow at night and knowing that our life is transparent enough that Satan cannot hold something over us to torture us with. It means having who we are in a heavenly perspective so that we will no longer be defined by any other terms. It means a life of wellness. It means a life of joy. It means a life of contentment. It means a life of purpose.

As you leave this study, my prayer is that the message of Psalm 26:3 will be forever etched on your heart…”for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth." Truth is a daily choice, my friends, hence the word "continually" in this verse. It is something we have to quite literally walk in everyday or we can easily fall into what we’ve fallen into before and walk away from it. And who wants to walk backwards? :)

So, yes to God girlfriends, always think "truth." Always remember "The Real Deal" about who you are. Always run toward health and healing. And know that I will cheer you on, every step of the glorious way!

You have touched my heart in ways you will never understand. Finally getting to hear from you -- the women I sat for hours and wrote this book for – getting to "meet" you, whether living in my backyard or corresponding from across the pond – getting to hear how this book has ministered to your heart…well, you will never know what that has meant. The comments and posts you have written have gone deep. The emails you sent have been read, valued, and prayed over. They have made me remember why God had me write this book in the first place. They have reminded me of how alike we all truly are, in this great big world we temporarily reside in. You have become my girlfriends. And please know that when I make friends, I make them for life.

The fact that you are here, reading this today confirms that God answered my prayer that you would become "convincable" on week one. Thank you for sticking in there and choosing truth. You will never be sorry you journeyed down this path. And remember that the TRUTH is always with you, whether you have His picture hanging in your living room to remind you of that, or not. Walk in it, dear friends. Never stop.

I love you...and I mean it!

And Then She Coasted on Fumes Into Town...

Hi, Friends!

What do a locksmith, a wrecker service, a tornado, getting lost and running out of gas have in common?

Me.

What do amazing people, a weekend away with my husband, hugs, affirmation, and the bond of Christ have in common?

Me, again.

Yes, my weekend was eventful from running out of gas and literally coasting into Greenville for my event…to waking up to the threat of a tornado and a ferocious rainstorm. It was not quite the entrance I would have liked to have made, but even the elements could not stop God from showing up and speaking to hearts at the Wellness Conference I was blessed to be a part of. A big “thank you” to my friends at Cornerstone Missionary Baptist Church who made us feel at home and welcomed and hosted us so graciously. I loved ministering to your wonderful community of people!

And to my friends from the American Association of Christian Writers who attended my sessions in the Writer’s Workshop…it was such a beautiful experience to get to be with you and hear your passion for writing. I share that passion, and I share your love for Jesus! I won’t soon forget any of you. (Fernando, my “write what you see” friend…if you are reading this, please know that I WILL be using your story in the future. Your love for writing is contagious!)

Thank you to all of you who prayed for me about this event, as my preparation was rushed from starting the week out with a terrible stomach bug. I know it was your prayers that helped me get through and re-focus! The message of “Choosing Wellness” was spoken and heard. Praise God for delivering His message despite my inadequacies!

To my “Yes to God” girlfriends, I will post tomorrow…the last post from Behind Those Eyes. I cannot believe this online Bible study journey has come to an end. Though it is physically ending, my prayer is that it will be the start of something new within all of our hearts! What a joy it has been to share these past 9 weeks with all of you! I’ll be visiting and commenting on all your blogs this week. Can't wait! :)

Yet Another Choice

After praying about what to share from Chapter 9 of Behind Those Eyes, I find it interesting that I titled my last Tuesday’s post, “This is my Choice.” Though it was on another subject, I wish I had saved it for this post, because it certainly applies to what I’m going to write about today. Because choices have alot to do with chapter 9, We are Completely Flawed yet Forgiven Completely.

As I reflect back on my journey, I’ve come to realize that most of the time, we make decisions or choices in our life based on one of two things: our pride or our pain. This morning, I share a piece of my journey with you that I have never before shared in a public format. I share it because I feel God’s urging to do so, and I share it, praying that it will in some way help illustrate to you the importance of our choices in life and why God’s forgiveness in those choices completes the picture.

If I’m being honest I have to admit to you that growing up I was indulged a lot. As the daughter of a well-known, well-connected pastor of a large church, I was showered with love, attention, and all the comforts of middle-class America. I was treasured by my parents. I was recognized by my peers. Life was good for me, and it didn’t take me long to begin to think that what made me most comfortable, secure, endorsed, and loved was what was both anticipated and expected. My world as I knew it revolved around me, and I liked it that way.

As a result, for years, my choices in life were made out of pride. My unspoken motto became, “It’s all about me, and I will live my life with me on my mind.” I was flip, arrogant, and unappreciative. I took things for granted. I built my identity on who my daddy was and who he knew. I worshipped the possessive god of pride, and my decisions in life reflected such.

But at a certain point, God chose to rid me of that god. Through a set of circumstances far too complicated to include in this blog, my father’s position at the church he both built and loved came to a screeching halt. Everything I knew and trusted was gone within hours, it seemed. Our family became the subject of whisper and innuendo in our town. The local news captured my parents every move. People we knew and loved no longer asked us to dinner. Where once I was accepted, I soon became rejected. It was a difficult time and a difficult journey to go on as a young woman embarking on a life journey of my own and not yet having anything, really, figured out.

The grip of pride now stripped from me, I looked for other viable options to drive my decision making. Since status and notoriety were now gone, I turned to another source to guide my every decision. Out of the heart-wrenching circumstances I weathered with my family I found another way to make life choices. This time, my choices in life were made out of my pain.

My new unspoken motto became, “I’ve been hurt, I am hurt, and I will live my life, acting out of that pain.” I indulged. I compromised. I behaved badly. I flat out rebelled. All because my heart was in a great deal of pain. And all the while, I foolishly thought that I was in control of my own choices. What I didn’t have the ability to see was that my choices were controlling me. I was just a puppet on a very short string, making choices based on the pain that was in my heart over my loss of identity…betrayal of trust…and feelings of being discarded by people I cared about.

I was hurting in the kind of way that no amount of antibiotic would heal. It was an internal kind of pain that ached like none other, and it was so raw and so real. It became easy to act out of my pain, almost unconsciously. It became what I knew for several years. As is always the case, my damaging actions just led to much more of the pain I so wanted to rid myself of in the first place.

I share that small piece of my journey with you to acknowledge to you and to myself what God is already intimately aware of…that I have made many bad choices in my life. Because the truth is, a choice made out of pride or pain will never harvest growth or produce health. It will only guide you to walk away from truth instead of walking in it. I know this, because I did it for years.

Girlfriends, it’s easy for me to get the part in chapter 9 about being completely flawed because…well…I have lived with myself for 37 years now. I’ve been there and personally witnessed myself in compromises, mistakes, and big trophy-level sins. But forgiving myself for those things…well…that is a bit harder.

But as is the goodness of God, through the years He has shown me that both are things I have to accept. I cannot take one of out the equation because they really go hand-in-hand. If I am forgiven, I have to first be flawed. Of course, being flawed does not carry with it an expected forgiveness on an earthly level. But in God’s grace universe, we know that it does.

As I share on page 165, “But when I realized in my heart and it began to sink into my soul that being so deeply flawed left me with the ability to be forgiven by God equally, the flaws suddenly felt really important to the process.” To me, that is the core message of this chapter and the core message of my heart: a former prideful and pain-driven choice-maker who finally realized that her flaws allowed her to be forgiven in a completely equal way. And that thought alone has changed the way I make my choices.

The thought that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, accepted or forgiven has made me run toward things like being real, honest and authentic. When I do not have to hide anything from my sinless Creator, I do not have to hide myself from others. Though sometimes my pride and pain still tempts to guide my choices, now I choose something else to determine the way I live my life…

I choose to be a flawed, forgiven daughter of God. That choice leaves me with no regret. It is the choice of TRUTH.

Pride and pain just can't compete with that.

P.S. I cannot believe that this online Bible Study journey has almost reached its end! It’s been so awesome for me to take part in it – beyond words. But I’ll save the mushy stuff for next week, the last post. :) As I am traveling this weekend, I will be reading your posts. I may not have time to comment on them, but please know they are being read by me. And girlfriends, Chapter 10 is my favorite chapter in the book. I can’t wait for you to read it and hear your thoughts. I’ll give you mine next Tuesday. Until then…CHOOSE TRUTH! :)

Needing some Grace...and prayers!

Well, friends...in a matter of 24-hours, I went from a birthday coma to a nasty bug of some sort. Because of that, the post I planned to have up this morning will be a bit delayed. I plan on posting it by this evening, but my children are home from school today and I want to give them my full attention. So...it could be later. If you will, just keep checking and it will eventually show up. Thanks for the grace! :)

Also, please pray for me as I prepare for a speaking engagement this weekend in Greenville, NC. I am the featured speaker for a community "Wellness Conference," and I will also be speaking to the American Association of Christian Writers in that area. I am excited to do both, but I am also a bit behind in my preparation at this point. My husband will be traveling with me, which is a unique treat for me! But since I am slated to speak three times on Saturday, I am trying hard not to get in worry mode with my sessions being incomplete. I need focus...direction...and TIME...to get my session talks finished. Could you pray that God will give me those things in the coming 72-hours?

What a blessing it is to be able to be real with you and ask you, my bloggy friends, to pray for me! Thank you, as always, for your love and support.

37 Candles

Hi friends!
Forgive me for not posting something more meaningful this morning, but I am still in a bit of a birthday coma from yesterday. To those who have emailed me and those who have posted on Facebook, thank you for all your well wishes! Boy, do I feel loved!

I'll post tomorrow, and I hope you'll be back. God is prompting me to write about a piece of my journey I have never shared before, so I will be blogging about that as it relates to chapter 9 in Behind Those Eyes. Regardless of whether or not you are participating in the online study, I think you'll find something in the post to relate to.

See you then!

This is My Choice

Tonight, I made a choice.

I made the choice to worship, not worry.

As I stood in my kitchen, trying desperately to avoid turning on the TV…trying not to stress eat…and looking for something to make me feel better about the imminent results of the election, something within me told me to start worshipping God. It was the only thing I could think of to make me feel better.

So I did.

With the rest of the house sleeping, I began to worship Him in the ways I knew how. I thanked Him for His attributes of strength and sovereignty. I told Him how much I loved Him. I quietly sang, “I worship you…most Holy God…there is none like you…I give you praise…for you are my righteousness…” I didn’t request anything of Him. I simply worshipped Him, despite the tsunami swirling around me.

I am not in denial about where things are in our country right now. My worshipping did not change the results of electoral votes or the color of states. But it gave me the peace I was desperately looking for just minutes before. It made me think about how much of my worry is due to the fact that I want to know outcomes and control things. It reminded me of how many times I say I trust God and secretly wish He won’t ask me to prove it.

My worship tonight reminded me that now is the time to put my trust to the test. Now is the time to fully surrender. To admit that I don’t have it all figured out. To own the fact that I would really like to be “in the know” about His plans for what looks like a very dismal future.

Through my worshipping, I am reminded that I am not to know those things. I am, instead, to put feet to all the things I believe, blog about, and speak. I’m to let that faith kick in when my flesh cries out to, in some way, put my faith somewhere else.

I’m to worship Him. For how powerful He is. How good He is. How amazingly wise He is.

It is the best thing I can possibly do.

It is the only thing I know to do.

It is my choice.

And I choose to worship, because my God has not changed between November 3 and November 5.

Thank you, God. I worship you.

Never More Secure

Well, it’s Election Day.

I find it interesting that on the day our country will decide who will define our future as President, those of us involved in the online study hosted by Lelia are covering the chapter in Behind Those Eyes on God’s love and acceptance. This morning, as I reflect on its relevance, I am thankful for the both the timing of this read as well as the message within its pages. He’s proven, once again, to have perfect orchestration.

To me, the truths covered in chapter 8, We are Completely Loved and Accepted Completely, equal one very significant thing. It’s something we all crave. It’s something we all seek. It’s something we all need, especially in the midst of very uncertain political times. It’s the one thing we worry about and the one thing we find when we think about God’s love and acceptance of us.

It’s…security.

God’s love and acceptance of us is a matter of our security. Whereas our earthly relationships have wavered…failed…and compromised us, our relationship with our Heavenly Father has never been more secure or steadfast. As I think this morning about how unsettled I often feel these days as I watch the world crumble around me, I marvel in the idea that His character has never changed. Not a day. Not an inch. Not an ounce. And neither have this promises.

And that’s a life-altering truth.

Friends, there is not a pillow soft enough to make us feel better…a blanket warm enough to make us feel comforted…a President wise enough to be the solution to all our problems…or a circumstance out there to make us forget that there is nothing in this world that is truly secure. And were it not for our faith, that thought just might get the best of us.

But as with all things true and beautiful and real – on this day as with all the rest – our amazing Lord Jesus stands as the example of unconditional love, unchangeable acceptance and unwavering security. He doesn’t have to be recognized by the powers in government to be holding their destiny and ours in His hand. His promises of love and acceptance carry with them the ability to keep us safe and secure in His big, able arms. He can manage the entire world and yet, gently guide us as individuals, all at the same time.

He is Someone to hold on to when all other elements of our life fail. He won’t leave us, based on who else thinks we are worth it. He isn’t swayed by opinions or how bleak things look. These things simply don’t matter in His sovereign world. But His children? You?…Me? We are what matters to Him. And if we’ll let Him, He’ll show us just how much.

If you are feeling a little insecure…a little unsure…a little lost…or not very loved today, can I encourage you to take a minute to dwell on the Almighty's attributes of love and acceptance? Though these truths have been known by many of us for a very long time, I dare say that we’ve never needed them quite as much as we do now. We need His love, acceptance, and most of all, His security like maybe never before.

On this very important day, let us never forget that He’s never been more stable, more loving, or more sovereign. We are never more secure, and He's never been more near.

Your Bio According to I John

Gotta question for you this morning.

When this little pink angel princess takes off her wings, will she still be a pink angel princess?

I know, I know…a rather interesting thought to ponder on a Monday morning, right? But I promise, this blog DOES have a point. :)

Recently, I wrote an article for a magazine and I was asked to send the publishers a 50-word bio to tell the readers a little bit about who I was. I wrote the typical bio, describing me as a wife and mom and author and communicator and sent it on. But when I got the proof back several months later and read over the information I gave them, the words I had written to give me identity suddenly didn’t sit well with me.

I thought back to the time when my husband lost his job. Prior to that time, if you had asked me to define who I was to you, I would have surely included in my personal description the title of “ministry wife,” as my husband held a prestigious position in a thriving non-profit organization. But when that job was lost, I found myself as a ministry wife no longer.

But even though my title had changed due to circumstance, I was still the same me. Only now I was a “former ministry wife” of a “really awesome guy who held no ministry position.” It was in those months of fear and desperation that I began to realize that who I was would need to be defined by something other than my husband’s job in the future. Otherwise, "I" might never stop changing.

It was a great lesson for me to learn, though sometimes I still forget. Sometimes I have to remind myself of the very real danger in defining myself by the ways God lets me use my gifts, my time and my energies. Though I love the “roles” God has blessed me with in my life, I cannot base my identity on them. Because as I learned with my husband’s job, defining myself by any outside position will cause a major identity crisis if and when that outside position changes. And as uncertain as life is, that is likely, at some point, to happen.

Some of you can attest to this, as you have had life throw changes at you in every direction. Some of you know what it’s like to define yourself as something, only to see that definition crumble before your very eyes. Some of you have had to “re-define” your life, working with a different definition than you originally thought or even, chose.

Girlfriends...we need to remember that what defines us is not our marital status, our job, our accomplishments or anything else that is built on status or circumstance, as wonderful and awesome as they may be. But rather, who we are is based upon our spiritual heritage…our inheritance of faith as a beautifully created daughter of God (Psalm 139). We are not our tagline, our bio or our resume. As I have said in many blogs before, we are not what we do.

My bio has now changed. Where I used to list my credentials and roles in life as who I am I now list them as the things God graciously lets me do in this season of my life. Lisa Whittle is no longer listed as a “wife, mother, author and communicator,” but a “beautifully created daughter of God who fulfills her life purpose by being a wife and mom, a communicator to women and author.” It is a bio I can feel comfortable with, knowing that my status as a daughter of God won’t change based on what else happens in my life.

It's also a lesson my pink "princessy" daughter needs to know so that when she takes off her pink princess angel wings she will still feel “princessy.” Not because of the costume she wears, but because of her status in the eternal Kingdom of God that is rightly worn on the inside.

May she and all of us know today that we are not our tagline.

May we define ourselves by our bio found in I John 3:1, and may we live in celebration of it.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

P.S. More tomorrow, Yes to God girlfriends, for chapter 8. Can't wait to roll around in the message of that chapter! :)

Show, Not Tell

By nature, I am a person who prefers a moment of private self-discovery to a 2 x 4 to the head. I am a bit of a rebel (at least in my own mind), and I like to come to my own conclusions. Which has, incidentally, not always proven to be the best way to maneuver my way through life. I have always done things the hard way, it seems. (Enter those painful 2 x 4 moments.)

So when someone tries to tell me something to do or be, I admit that my first reaction is not always one of reception but often one of skepticism or outright rebellion. Looking back on the patterns of my life I see that the people I have respected the very most are the ones who modeled the behavior they talked to me about or taken my hand and very gently led me to the place I wanted to be rather than bashed me over the head with their opinions.

The people I look up to the most are what I call show-ers, not tellers.

It is what I pray often to be in my writing, my speaking, and even, in my personal relationships. To me, being a “show-er” spills over from this whole passion to simply be real. I’m no expert at it by any means, but I’m praying I’ll get better.

It is for that reason that I introduced you to the characters in chapters 2-5 of Behind Those Eyes first. Because they are the ways in which we, as women, choose pretense over truth and conceal for things in our soul that hurt and effect us…things like fear…loneliness…insecurity…and jealousy. I suspect that had I come in and tried to be a “teller” and tell you these things you and I cover for right off the bat, you might have mutinied against the idea and never gotten past chapter one or two. Instead, my goal was to “show” you those roles we play…to see for yourself. I pray it has been received into your heart and you have had those private moments of self-discovery with God holding your hand as you walked through it. Because in order to face some of the ugliest of truths about the massive cover-up of all womankind that you just read about, our hearts had to be in a place where we were ready to receive such honest and raw truth.

Chapters 6 and 7 to me are the culmination of the truth hurting that I talk about so much in chapter one. They were some of the toughest chapters for me to write because even saying words like fear…loneliness…and most of all, jealousy, are so ugly to me that I resist the characterizations. However, in my case, they are fair, accurate and right on.

Ouch.

I have been all of these things at times in my life. Fearful. Lonely. Insecure. Jealous. I could list the ways I have acted out these things but neither one of us has the time. But writing about them in this book was cathartic for me in some way. It was in those quiet moments at my computer that I had many of my own private moments of self-discovery. And in talking with other women since then, I have come to realize that these concealed feelings are no stranger to ANY of us.

What I found when I looked at those very ugly things I have, at times, covered for by my "impersonations" is that if I boil it all down, my love of self is at the very root. Of course, I don’t think of it that way at the time, but that’s exactly what it is. When I am flying, fearful the entire time, what I am really doing is thinking about MY fears…myself. God convicted me of this lately and reminded me that if I were to spend my time on the plane, focusing on His attributes and praising Him for those attributes, it would be much harder to dwell on my fears. Well, how could I argue with that? :)

The same is true of loneliness…”I feel alone.”
God is good, God is caring.

Or insecurity… “I feel unsure.”
God is faithful, God is trustworthy.

Or jealousy… “I feel envious.”
God is powerful. God is holy.

Or dissatisfaction with life… “I feel disappointed.”
God is wonderful. God is satisfying.

I am not saying that all our lonely and jealous and insecure feelings will go away every time we acknowledge an attribute of God. What I am saying is that often times the feelings we conceal blaze out of control because of our magnification of self.

And that’s the truth of chapters 6 and 7.

But wanna hear some really good news? That's not where it ends. We are finally in the last section of the book, “The Real Deal.” And oh, sisters, I believe what you read in the last three chapters will be worth every minute of the journey you took to get there. Please don’t stop now. The best stuff is yet to be read.

As you look at the titles of the next two chapters, you may, at first glance, see some things you have read in other books before. I acknowledge that. But my prayer for you is that as you go into reading these chapters you will ask God to give you fresh eyes to read the timeless truths in front of you and speak to your heart so directly that you can’t mistake His message. You’ve done the hard work and now I believe your heart is ready like maybe never before to receive the message of the real deal. I think you'll see when you read it that this journey has been completely necessary. At least, that is my highest hope and prayer.

And may I ask you to do one more thing? Please don't skip the study questions and "getting real" action steps in the study for the remaining chapters. It is especially important to do the questions and activities in these coming chapters, because it could well mean the difference between knowing things in your head and completely believing them in the deepest places of your heart. I promise if you do them, you will see some beautiful things happen in your life. The last three chapters of the book are my favorite. They are the message of my heart. They are the message of my Jesus, the ultimate "show-er" of truth.

They are a message, my friend, for you.

Praying with you for fresh eyes to see truth!

The One Time It's Ok to Be Someone Else

Sometimes we forget that not every one looks exactly like us. And not just in the way of physical appearances. It’s more about what we “look like” in life.

It’s not that we want to be narrow in our thinking or completely self-focused. It’s just that when we are in a particular season of life, we often forget that not everyone is in that same season with us. Or when we have lived a certain way or been given a set of circumstances or born with a built-in identity, we forget that not everyone has walked that road or lived that life or has been influenced by our particular culture or mindset. And that has a potential to cause women to feel much more divided than is helpful or even, necessary. Honestly, it happens all the time.

And in order to get in a mode of empathy rather than division, it may well be necessary to slip on someone else’s shoes, even if just for a moment.

When I started writing my first book, I learned a valuable lesson about this. My very wise editor encouraged me to try to write the book from the perspective of every woman who might read it, and not just the woman I happened to be. Obviously, my own experiences would be on the forefront of my mind, so I would likely write best about what I knew. But I really wanted to stretch myself to write for my audience, many of whom would not “look like” me.

Everytime I write, that thought comes to the forefront of my mind. Whether I’m writing or speaking, I truly try to sit in my audience and BE every woman who will ever read something I write or hear something I say. I’m sure I don’t do this well every time. I am the first to admit to sometimes being in "tunnel-vision" mode. Obviously I can't not write about what is very much my life -- being a wife...a mom...a Christian. But my strongest desire is never to isolate a certain population of women who, because of outside circumstances, I don’t, at first glance, resemble.

Every woman looks different. She might be a single woman. Or maybe, she’s married. Possibly divorcing. Juggling motherhood. Or never been a mom. 18 and eager. At the mid-life point. A Christian all her life. Just recently saved. Searching, but not yet a believer. Baptist. Not Baptist. From the South. From a different country. Been abused. Been indulged. Frugal. Spends her every last dime. Has a great relationship with her mother. She and her mother don’t even speak. And the list goes on.

For me, being every woman has been a powerful exercise in grace. It has made me much more aware and much more accepting and loving of the woman who doesn’t look just like me but needs His grace just the same. It has made me be able to take the tunnel-vision off my circumstances and find ways to relate to a woman who, on the outside, may have a life that is nothing like mine. Because as I wrote about in this post, when we look at the women around us in this way, we find much more in common than we at first think.

If you’ve read my blog or books you know that I am usually the biggest proponent of simply being yourself and embracing who God made you to be, never trying to be someone else. So the title of this blog might have, at first, sounded strange to you! But if in your effort to see the women around you with eyes of grace for their journey that doesn't necessarily look like yours you need to “become” them for that moment, then this one time, I wholeheartedly encourage you to do it.

Be that woman in the cubicle next to you at work that rubs you the wrong way.

Be that woman in your carline who drives a car different from yours.

Be that woman who differs from you, politically.

Be that woman who has a different marital status than you do.

Be that woman who is/isn’t parenting someone.

Be that woman whose personality isn’t at all like yours.

Be that woman who you are sure doesn’t have a care in the world.

Be that woman who is visibly struggling so much it scares you away.

And know that when you do, you may just see something different than you originally thought. You might just develop more understanding and you may just find more grace. You might begin to feel her pain. You may even find yourself able, on some level, to relate.

You might just find a friend.

It's worth slipping those shoes on to find out.

P.S. See you tomorrow, Yes to God, girlfriends, for my post on Behind Those Eyes, chapters 6 and 7!

I, Me, and My Gifts

He carried it into the room, breathing heavy but grinning madly.

“Well, here it is, honey. Your birthday present. Happy Birthday, Lisa!”

I stared for a minute at the massive cardboard box. Sizing it up, I quickly determined that the tiny pair of earrings I had been eyeing at Zales was NOT inside.

Scotty could hardly suppress his excitement as he lifted the bulky box off the concealed present. When it was finally uncovered, I paused at the sight of all 42 inches of Magnavox staring back at me.

“Is this for me, honey? A flat screen TV? Are you sure it’s a birthday present for me?” I asked.

“Yes! Of course it is! Don’t you like it?” he replied back.

“Well…uh…sure. Thanks, honey…for MY birthday present. It’s kind of like that lingerie you bought ME on our anniversary. Something for ME, right?” I grinned at him and he grinned back, sheepishly. Without a word, both of us knew what the deal with the birthday gift (and the lingerie) REALLY was.

A year later, I still tease him about that birthday gift “for me.” The gesture was sweet, although somewhere down deep we both know that the gift he bought and offered to me was really more for his enjoyment and pleasure.

It was just given in the name of “gift.”

As I prayed about and considered what to add to this chapter of Ms. Spirituality, this simple illustration came to mind. It reminds me of what we often do when it comes to “giving” things to God, all in the name of something spiritual.

Please don't misunderstand me. It’s not that offering things to God is wrong, but rather, we are to offer our very selves to Him, for that is what He truly desires about anything else. But when we offer a “gift” to God, shrouded in the name of “spirituality” yet with a motive of feeding our own flesh, it is not a true sacrifice or spiritual act of surrender. It is simply another way we attempt to give God gifts we really intend to keep for ourselves.

And that, quite honestly, breaks His heart. It was not His idea for us then, and it is not His idea for us now.

Right before I started to write this post, God impressed on my heart to write it without using the word “I” in it. The truth is, as I look back at my blogs from the past, I am surprised at how many times I use that word in every one.

So I began thinking about how to go about writing this blog without using that word. And because I agree with my friend, Mary, that writing about myself in third person might not only be a bit awkward, but also a bit annoying, I began to dig for what God might be trying to say to me through the impression of not using the word “I” in this blog.

I think I’ve figured out His point. Ironically, it is the same main point of the Ms. Spirituality chapter…

In order to please and love God in a genuine and truthful way, “I” must take the “I” out of everything I do for Him.

That includes my gifts of time.

And of service.

And even, of worship.

There is no room in my "gifts" to God for my ego, my self-interests, or my desire for approval from others.

And if I, like Ms. Spirituality, offer God gifts of service to feed my own flesh, I will find myself finally retreating and/or collapsing, exhausted and burnt out from my endless attempt at “doing.” I will find shallow approval in the admiration of others. And I will be left to wonder why I am not fulfilled when I am so clearly “giving” tangible gifts to God.

The truth is, at some point and time, there’s been a little of Ms. Spirituality in all of us.

And what we need to know is that the Almighty Recipient of our “gifts” would much rather have a small, sincere box full of our surrender than a gigantic box full of an ulterior motive. He would much rather have our heart privately than watch a public display of our "oh yes" without any real depth or sincerity.

The bottom line truth to this blog is the bottom line truth of all our service to God, and that is that the ultimate gift giver Himself is interested in the gift, only if it is truly given to Him.

Not wrapped up with His name on it, but bearing the fingerprints of our own desires inside.

P.S. Yes to God girlfriends…I greatly apologize for not getting to your blogs as intended this week. Between deadlines and unexpected company and field trips and life(!), it just wasn’t possible. Please know that your comments are very important to me, as I love to hear how God is working in your heart through this book I am so passionate about. If the Lord will help increase my time capacity…and teach me to how to better manage it…I WILL be by this week! I am continuing to pray for you as you continue on in your journey for truth!

Calf-Like

After already writing nearly 5,000 words about Ms. Happiness, I find myself, tonight, at a loss for words, which is not a usual occurrence for me. I know my copy editor, Jen, would not believe it, but it’s true! :)

So after a few unsuccessful attempts to write something else about this chapter on Ms. Happiness, I have decided, instead, to take a page from my own book and simply keep it real. Since I do not subscribe to Ms. Perfection, I won’t try to write a perfect post. And since I am a recovering Ms. Confidence-a-holic, I won’t try to convince you that I feel like my thoughts are superbly insightful tonight. The truth is, I got nothin’ much. In which case, the best thing I can do is point you to Someone who (thankfully!) doesn’t run out of things to say.

In recent months, Malachi 4:2 has become one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible because it talks about two of my preferred life themes on this truth-filled journey…healing and freedom. Friends, munch on this…

“But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.” (NLT)

Now I admit that when I first read this verse, the thought of being compared to a calf did not initially appeal to me. I’d rather prefer to be matched up to the likeness of a gazelle with strong, beautiful legs or a white fluffy swan with a long, elegant neck. I’ll take the healing…the freedom…and the joy, but the calf? No, thank you.

But still, this example of a calf intrigued me. Wholeheartedly believing that God is a purposeful God who doesn’t give illustrations without reason, I decided to do some research into just what happens when a calf is let out to pasture. I wanted to find out why He used that particular example in this favorite verse of mine in Malachi.

And what I discovered gave me the answer I was looking for. And then some.

Evidently, when a young calf is let out to pasture for the very first time, it is quite a sight to behold. I’ve been told that if I ever get the opportunity to see it, I need to have my camera ready, because it is supposed to be completely incredible. Because when the iron gate that has kept the calf properly confined has it's grand opening, the newly freed calf leaps and jumps and sprints with its tail high in the air. And then it changes direction and leaps and sprints, again. Its legs run with passion, as it is experiencing freedom for the very first time in its life. Its ecstasy at gaining liberty is exhibited in the raw motion of its joy-filled jumping.

Freedom. Joy. These are words I like. And if a byproduct of having them means I will be compared to a calf in the process, then please, call me a bovine.

I think if we’re honest we’ll admit that some of us haven’t felt free for a very long time. We haven’t quite felt like leaping. Life hasn’t given us anything in particular to sprint over. And we certainly haven’t felt a driving passion to run towards anything. So we have settled, instead, for giving the old 1-2-3 “cheese,” while our insides wilt and sag and reside safely in a world of familiar confinement….a place where our souls hide behind the iron gates, longing to one day be let out to take off in a full-on sprint.

If you are feeling that way, may I encourage you, tonight, with Malachi 4:2?

His ways are healing. His plan offers freedom. His truth brings life.

And He is waiting for you to drop the happy routine long enough to let Him show you what true joy is all about.

Calf-like joy.

P.S. I will be kicking off a new BTE study at our church's main campus tomorrow night, but I will be by to comment on your posts by the weekend. Thank you for your patience with me, as I am truly blessed everytime I read your posts! And...please check back with me on Monday, as I am planning to post on Ms. Spirituality in preparation for Lelia's Tuesday post. I have a few things I want to say about this chapter before you post. Hang on, girls, this one's tough. But you are already well on your way in this truth-filled journey, and the really good stuff will be here before you know it. Just have a little more work to do, first. Remember...He's holding your heart in the process. :)

The Sound of New Life

I am pausing from my weekly post on another chapter of Behind Those Eyes to spend a day in celebration over the sweetest sound I have ever heard…

The high-pitched voice of my tiny little curly-headed 6 year old, praying to ask Jesus into her heart.

I “happened” to walk by to hear the whole exchange. As her earthly daddy prayed with her, my sweet angel girl told her heavenly Daddy she loved Him and wanted Him to come into her heart. She has loved Him for quite a while, showing it in cute little ways like writing notes that say “I love you, God” and “I heart Jesus.” But now she has loved Him enough to give Him her life. Little does she know that the truth is, He loved her enough to give life back to her.

Tonight, my daughter received life eternal. And my heart couldn’t be more joyful about that. It is beyond words to say I am ecstatic over her decision. I have been through it twice before, as both of my boys have already made that glorious decision. But it is something that could never become routine.

Three children. All different. Each in need of a Savior. And as of tonight, all three have accepted Him.

Amazing.

In this day and time, this joy-filled mom is grateful that I follow Someone who is powerful enough to carry them through the days to come, no matter what economic or moral crisis comes up. Praise God that He has led them to trust in the only One who will be standing victorious in the end!

We share life on this earth, now we will share life eternal in heaven.

I will post on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, at the latest. Forgive me, I’m too busy partying right now!

New Life Rocks!

Salt Water Sweetness

Hello, bloggy friends!

As you read this, I am at the beach with my family for a long weekend. The kids are out of school, and we are enjoying time with my husband’s parents in a beautiful and serene environment! No computer…limited phone service…and lots of Krispy Kremes! Oh, can’t you just smell the freedom (and the glazing) oozing from the computer screen? :)

I will post tomorrow on the 4th chapter of Behind Those Eyes, Ms. Happiness. Even if you are not participating in this online study, I would still love for you to stop by and visit. I plan on still posting on Mondays throughout these weeks of study, and it will be a regular post, like always.

For my Yes to God Girlfriends, I am excited to share another piece of this journey with you! I am praying that God will continue to convince you by His Holy Spirit that living out Psalm 26:3 is the only way to live! (Look it up! :))

On the journey with you!

Rocked...Driven...Stripped

Yes to God Girlfriends,
I want you to know how much I am praising God for all your posts and comments on the chapters you are reading! As a girl who doesn’t like generics (except for the kind that cost me less :), I found myself writing many of the same comments on all your blogs! But please know that it wasn’t because I set out to write the same thing. It was because the same thing was true for so many of you…I hear God stirring in your hearts and getting you to dig down and allow Him to reveal things to you! He’s moving you to ask questions and search your soul and look at things you have stuffed inside as a means of survival for so long. And it blesses me so much to get to read about how that is no longer comforting to you and how you, by the power of God’s Holy Spirit, want to change those things from this point forward!

I am so heartened to hear you doing the work. It occurred to me lately that in this day and time, many women want the freedom in Christ but do not want to do the work to get there. You are doing the work, though hard. It shows, and God has something amazing for you up ahead as you persevere. I am “confident” of that! :)

Speaking of which, as I write this post, something has just happened that has shaken my personal confidence a bit. Good thing I already read the chapter and know that my confidence doesn’t come from what I do or don’t do or how I “wear” it! So now, I will proceed with holy confidence – the only kind I need -- in writing this post! Surely I didn’t think I would get by without being tested on this issue, myself, now did I? :)

Not long ago, a very well intentioned person interpreted my commitment to truth and authenticity as a lack of confidence and told me so. I understood where they were coming from, as my writing does tend to let you in on my very real world of fears…insecurities… and struggles, and the reality of that is that sometimes, it isn’t very pretty. But for a girl who wrote the chapter on Ms. Confidence with one pen stroke of her own experiences, this comment by a sweet friend really got me thinking. A lot.

So as is my custom when I need to escape and think, I headed for my bathroom, the one place that I have painstakingly established as “mom’s room” in the house. It is also, incidentally, where God speaks to me the very most. Almost right away, the dialogue began.

Me: Father…I have confidence, right?

Him: Silence.

Me: I mean…do I really sound like I don’t have confidence? I thought what I was doing in my blogs was sharing my heart and just being real in the process! But now I wonder if that is what is being translated to my readers! I don’t want them to think I am a woman of great insecurities OR great confidence…I just want them to know I am simply being real.

Him: Is this about what you think or what they think?

Me: Hmmm…don’t really know about that one. Either way, does it matter? The point is, what do YOU think?

Him: I don’t want you to have confidence.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Right. You don’t. Maybe that comment was a compliment, then. Maybe what she heard me say was true…that I have absolutely no confidence in me, whatsoever. Maybe she was right on.

Him: Silence.

Me: Umm, Lord? I sure could use your input on this one.

Him: Lisa, when I ask you to do something it should rock you to your core. It should drive you to your knees. It should strip away any confidence you have in yourself. You need to know that. And someone in your class needs to hear that. Tell that to them tonight.

Just about to go and teach my Wednesday night Bible Study group about Ms. Confidence, I had already prepared what I was going to share from the chapter. But the moment God and I began having this conversation, I knew immediately that THIS was the message He wanted relayed. And as I sat in my bathroom, thinking about these words, I remembered what the truth about confidence really is and what it’s been in my life.

Rocked to my very core.
My father’s large-scale ministry being tarnished and what people thought of him and me and my entire family. Him losing his church, the life we once knew and facing prison.

Driven to my knees because it was so out of my control.
My husband lost his job and was out of work for 18 months, while I tried to be a wife and mom to three preschoolers, and hold my life together in the process.

Stripped of any confidence I had in myself because it was too big, too scary, too important, too unknown.
This whole unexpected, unsolicited ministry thing. The speaking, the writing, the struggle to know what’s real and what’s not.

I have been in all of those places in my life. And it’s not only been the big things like these, but also many other things people might not see as significant but have changed my life in ways I haven’t asked for.

I know that if God lets me live on this earth and serve Him longer, I will visit those places many times, again. I know I will be rocked to my core, again. I know I will be driven to my knees to pray my heart out, again. I know I will feel scared and unsure and reluctant and just plain frightened to do what I know God wants me to do, again. These things I know.

And believing every word of 2 Corinthians 3:4, (“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God.”) I also know that those things are a tangible symptom of God doing things through me that my humanly created self cannot do. Including forgiving someone who has crushed me, saying “yes” to Him when I really want to say “no,” and allowing myself to be real, even to the point of being seen as lacking confidence.

When I shared the "bathroom message" that God so clearly laid on my heart with my Bible Study women that night, there was a definite sense that God got His point across. I could literally almost see His thoughts penetrating hearts as I spoke it, and there was a tangible spirit of power in the room at that moment. I felt it, and by the emails I got later, so did many others. And the one thing I told them that night is the same thing I will exhort you with in this post…

If God is not rocking your world significantly…or allowing things in your life to drive you to your knees…or stripping you of any confidence you have in yourself, it’s not because He doesn’t want to. And I challenge you to pray that He will.

The question is...are you “confident” enough in Him to ask Him to do some rocking…driving…and stripping away in your life? If you believe in yourself, no. But if you believe in Him and the message of 2 Corinthians 3:4, yes.

And along the way, if someone tells you that you need to get some confidence, tell them “thank you.”

When the Poised Breaks

When the night silence surrounds her and the darkness of her room swallows her up, she will be the one with her face in the pillow, crying until her eyes won’t open.

And then morning will come, and the desire inside her to seem as though she holds it all together will rise with the A.M. sun.

Ms. Confidence is back.

She wouldn’t want me to tell you this, though. It would be too painful for her to know that someone might be on to her charade. It’s a cover she’s been perfecting for a very long time.

But there’s more.

Sometimes she wishes that people wouldn’t expect her to be the strong one. Sometimes she wishes people would realize they inadvertently push her into that role. Sometimes she wishes they would see that their own needs cause her to try to be that and more to them. And she wishes they knew how often that led to her breakdowns on her pillow at night.

It’s not that she blames them for her pretense. She’s full aware that it’s a decision she makes for herself. It’s just that anytime she’s tried to be weak, it confused people. Made them uncomfortable. Even caused some to run away.

The truth is, if she could let down long enough and believe in her heart that you wouldn’t take off, she might even tell you a few more things she’s been holding in.

She would probably tell you that her shoulders are tired from carrying the weight of the world on them. That her arms are tired from juggling the demands of life. That her feelings get hurt much more than they don’t. That she just may be the MOST sensitive out of the entire bunch.

But she doesn’t think you can handle it if you know that about her. She’s not sure she can handle it, herself.

In some ways, she knows that there is great value in allowing herself to become vulnerable, even though the mere thought of it sends shivers up her spine. At some point she has been hurt, which caused her wall to go up. So her confident shell is sometimes worn so people can’t hurt her again. Though the words written on her insides are
crushed,
bruised,
and
compromised.

And now, when you ask her to take off that mask of confidence she has worn for so long, she doesn’t know how to do it. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. It’s just that she knows nothing else. It has become a part of her. Her comfort is in the charade and in order for that charade to stop, she has to lose a part of herself.

And that thought just plain hurts.

Oh, and there’s one more thing you need to know. When she crashes, she crashes hard. When she tells you she is at her limit, she really means it.

You may not see all this or know it, but that is all a part of the charade. The truth is, you aren’t safe enough to be let into her private world of pillowed cries. It’s too personal. It would require that “V” word, again. And that’s just too scary. So she keeps you at arm’s length.

But in the deepest places of her heart, she knows there is Someone who does know. She forgets that sometimes, when she’s struggling. But He’s been there with her before, in those moments when she simply cannot keep up the charade and even if for just a minute, lets the confident act go.

With Him, she finds safety. She finds comfort. She finds strength and consistency. He doesn’t expect anything out of her or need to get anything from her. He doesn’t require her to be strong, in fact, He wants her to be weak.

Vulnerable.

Needy.

Exposed.

All the things she is afraid of.

But when she cries with her face in the pillow at night, as the darkness of the room swallows her up, He is there to wipe the tears. And tell her He knows how she really feels. And remind her that confidence is not something she can put on. And encourage her to drop the weights…pull the mask off…and let herself free fall into His strong arms of understanding.

The only place to be when the poised breaks.

P.S. I am praying for you, Yes to God girlfriends, as you continue going “Behind Those Eyes.” I will post again on Friday to comment on your posts about Ms. Confidence and to post about something God very specifically showed me about “confidence” that I shared with my Wednesday night Bible study women a few weeks ago that completely rocked my world.

3 Little Big Words

Lord, help me.

I utter those words a lot.

Like when I’m on the tennis court and my softball playing, home run hitting, much more athletically inclined friend sends a ball smokin’ through the air, aimed right at me.


(As we have concluded our last lesson, here is the picture I promised of my compadres and myself with our tennis coach, Jamey. Our 4th, my awesome girlfriend, Kim, (who I just like so much it’s insane!) left before we took the picture. Super close friend who I love to study the Bible with, Laura, is to the right of Coach Jamey. Said home run hitting BFF, Wendy, is on the far right.)







But tennis lessons aren’t the only time I spoke those three words this week.

Between Wednesday night Bible Study and the online study of Behind Those Eyes, God is rocking my world in significant ways through the testimonies of women all over who are reading the book and allowing Him to peel back layers of their heart that have kept them in bondage, sometimes for years. After reading such an email from one woman who shared her heart and pain with me, I just sat on my bathroom floor and cried. And said those words.

Lord, help me.

I knew I couldn’t change her circumstance or her past.

I knew I couldn’t provide enough wisdom or counsel to make her pain go away.

I knew I couldn’t say enough words to convince her that her Heavenly Father sees her…knows her…and cares for her in the most complete and yet, gentle way.

And in the midst of my cleansing moment on the bathroom floor, I was reminded of how many times I have uttered those same words for myself.

Lord, help me…

…be willing to surrender all of myself to you, even those secret places I don’t like to think about.

…juggle life. I feel pulled in so many directions and I’m not sure I am very effective at anything some days.

…rest in You. Stop worrying about the “next” or even, the “now.”

…love people I don’t like. Pray for people who ask me to. Care more about the needs of others than my own.

…do this whole wife thing. I don’t think I’m very good at it and I’m sure my husband might agree.

…be the kind of mom who loves God so desperately that her kids want to love Him desperately, too.

…realize that it’s OK to give up control. In fact, it’s necessary.

…let go of things I need to let go of and hold on to things I need to hold onto.

…crave You, desire You, worship You, love You…above all else. Put nothing in front of You and make sure that’s not just what I say.

How beautiful and comforting it is to know that I can go to God and only have to say three little words to be released from handling my life. It ministers to my soul to know that when I am in such a place that I can only muster them and nothing else, they are enough. My speech doesn’t have to be eloquent…my words don’t need to sound right…and I don’t need to know how the rest of the story is gonna turn out to ask Him for help. I just need to let Him know that I recognize my helpless, hopeless condition that requires His help and hope and guidance for whatever lies ahead for me.

And in those moments, He will be quick…and thorough…and reliable…to do just that.

If this past week is any indicator of the week that lies ahead, I'm quite sure this very week, those 3 little big words will be (once again) spoken by me. I'm so glad He doesn't mind that I repeat myself alot.

“Listen, GOD! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar…” (Psalm 5:1-3a – The Message)

She Could Be Any of Us

Two emails popped into my inbox this week.

One was from a young woman who sits on one side of the room in my Wednesday night Bible study class.

The other was from a young woman who sits on the opposite side of the room in the same class and the opposite side of life.

One had a stormy childhood and many wounds from her past, while the other led a very charmed life with a great upbringing.

They look completely different, with hair color hues of stark contrast. They are in very different seasons of life. One is married and has kids. One isn’t and doesn’t.

But though they look very different from the outside, the theme of their emails was strikingly similar. Both of them wrote to me about how they long to get real and stop pretending.

And it reminded me of how in one way or another, the threads of Ms. Perfection weave in and out of all of us.

The truth is, Ms. Perfection could be any of us. And often, she is.

What I hear in your comments on this blog from Chapter 2 is exactly what I have heard many women say over the past 5 months Ms. Perfection has made her grand debut. And that is, that though we sometimes think we have to be perfect, what women really crave from one another is to see a person who is “real.” When I got this email today from my friend, Kim, I was reminded of this truth. With her permission, here’s a portion of it…

Recently, I called a room parent meeting where I was in charge. {Lisa’s commentary: Kim is in charge of our elementary school Parent-Teacher Association} It is taking me way out of my comfort zone, as I’m a good Indian – but I’ve never really been a “Chief” with much before. So, I called this room parent meeting, had {the principal} there, probably spent 6 hours or more preparing resources for them and canvassing the teachers, other room parents and administration for feedback. I was really nervous Sunday prior to the meeting, because I just do not do well getting up in front of people. My stomach was a mess Monday morning, but I got up and dressed in work pants, black sweater set, jewelry, did my hair all curly – took extra care with my make up etc. I figured if I were a mess inside, I’d at least look the part from the outside. I got the kids ready and brought them with me up to the school. So I get to the meeting – do my thing and it goes really well – there were probably 30 people there. After it was over, and there were still about seven or eight people left in the room I walk to the front to get my coffee and I’m walking toward the back of the room to talk with someone and I twist my ankle in my high heels (that are supposed to make me look tall, sophisticated and slender) and – just picture this – do a face plant in the carpet (but I don’t spill my coffee!). Lisa – I just sat in a heap on the floor and laughed – until I cried! The other ladies in the room laughed with me – but when we quieted, there was a lady sitting in the back of the room who just looked at me and said “I’m so glad that you did that”. I’m sure I looked at her like she was crazy and just said “It’s been that kind of morning!”. She said – “You would never have know that. I’ve been sitting here the entire time watching you – wondering how you are so put together and organized and thinking that I am the only one in this room who doesn’t know what they are doing or have it all together.” I was floored – that anyone would think that about ME. I started talking with her and she happens to be the room mom for [my daughter’s} teacher last year and it led to a conversation about her being a single mom. I thought about how God was using my bad choice in shoes and ultimately my fall to break the ice with the lady that I really did need to have a conversation with. Wow. I just thought this went right along with what we’ve been talking about in our study – me wanting to look perfect and together and bringing me literally to my knees to make a difference in someone’s life.

What Kim experienced is what I see as the beauty in shedding off this whole Ms. Perfection thing. It’s that “desired result” I blogged about on Friday, and it is only possible when we realize that perfection isn’t the goal but rather, a huge and unnecessary hindrance in our life.

Speaking of conversation, I was so glad that Jill commented about how she was thinking that it might be a good idea to talk to her children about not having to be perfect. In my opinion, I believe a simple conversation about this, followed up by action, can do an enormous amount of good. More often than I can count a woman will share with me about how a perfectionistic parent shaped the way they view the world…their relationships…and mostly, themselves. One of the richest blessings that has come out of the Bible Study group on Wednesday night is when one woman talked about how after reading the chapter on Ms. Perfection, she felt led to have a conversation with her preteen daughter about how she doesn’t want her to feel as though she must be perfect. In turn, I had a similar conversation with my oldest son. How freeing it must be for a young person to know they are not expected to bear the burden of a perfectionistic mindset for the rest of their life.

How freeing it would have been for many of us had we had such a conversation with our parent about this very thing.

But most of us didn’t.

It’s hard for our children to believe us when we say they don’t have to be perfect but see us running around like crazy, trying to be. The best way to encourage a child to stay away from perfectionism is to live that way and model it, ourselves. But it has to be genuine and real. Kids have amazing radar for those kinds of things.

Girlfriends, know today that even if you never had that conversation with a conscientious parent growing up, it’s never too late to have that conversation with your Heavenly parent about it.

To ask Him how to surrender those perfectionistic tendencies when they crop up.

To acknowledge to Him with your lips and mean it in your heart that you simply can’t be that woman anymore.

To just sit with Him awhile and let Him convince you that He doesn’t expect your perfection, He really just wants your heart.

And if it takes a pen mark on a skirt to remind us of that, so be it. Or a fall in a cute pair of heels. Whatever it takes.

In which case, we may need to remember that being Ms. Perfection can actually be hazardous to our health.

Or at least, our perfect little ego.

P.S. Due to my other commitments, I have not yet gotten by to read all your comments. I look forward to doing that by the weekend and can’t wait to read your thoughts. I am also trying to get one of my DVD studies on this blog for you to watch instead of my usual post for one of the upcoming chapters. I hope to do that soon, so stay posted!