I Don't Want to Know

As I type this, there are things I don’t want to know.

This statement shocks even me, seeing as how I am a girl who likes to know the when, where, how and what of basically everything in my life. I admit, I don’t like surprises. No, not even at Christmas…and yes, I do shake the presents. ☺

But over the past several years, God has shown me much more of Himself by NOT filling me in on all the information. I haven’t always liked it, but He hasn’t seemed to mind. And I can honestly say that my lack of information has resulted in the growth it takes to say in this blog that there are things I now don’t want to know. I say it, and friends, I mean it.

I wasn’t always like this. I had my life planned out pretty early on, as a matter of fact. I was gonna fall madly in love with a doctor, have three or four kids, and live safely in suburbia with my faith tucked neatly under my arm. I would pull it out when I needed it, of course. But mainly I was just glad to have it for myself.

Which is why I know God has His Almighty eye on me. And I’m convinced He smiles at all the ironies of all my well laid-out plans.

Such is in the case of the latest great irony of my life: the launching of a church called Thrive Church Charlotte. The pastor of such a great body of believers is one fortunate guy. He’s a strong leader with massive gifts and the ability to communicate timeless truths from God’s Word in a very real and relatable way. I’m fortunate to get to sit under such a man. It’s just that it puts me in quite a position, since he is my husband.

(The non-doctor, by the way.) ☺

It is a role I never anticipated or if I’m being brutally honest, ever wanted. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a high calling and an honor to be the wife of a pastor of a church. I just didn’t think it was something I would ever be. My qualifications fall very short, I’m afraid. Though I admit, I DO play the piano. ☺

But this new role in my life is yet another example of things in my life I probably shouldn’t know ahead of time. It just wouldn’t have been a good idea, and God knew it. Instead, He prepared me in ways I never saw as preparation and got me to a place of surrender in my life that my heart wouldn’t let me take back no matter what the circumstance. I’ve wanted to, friends. But I just can’t.

And so, here I sit, knowing that what lies ahead of me is much bigger than a safe-seeking suburban mom ever anticipated. You see, I’ve lived in a glass house for most of my life. I’ve seen the highs and lows of ministry life and lived the life where the hardest thing to do some days is to get someone to see you like everyone else. I’ve been the pastor’s daughter. My father has even weathered more than one ministry storm. And to ask a person who has sat through more than one heated church meeting as a relative of the pastor to get back into a role of scrutiny and responsibility is to ask someone to risk some of the deepest hurts a person could ever know. The life of a pastor’s family is rich, indeed. It is beautiful and it is full. But it is also a life that few truly understand.

And therein lies my heart, poured out in this blog.

And yet, there’s more. Because the truth is that to get this stubborn girl to agree to a role this large is to move a mountain, in and of itself. If people only knew about the tears. If they only knew about the clenched fists that had to be opened and then turned up. If people only knew about the insecurities and fears and weariness and sense of responsibility. If people only knew my heart.

They would know. What this is all about.

But if they don’t, it’s ok. Because…He does.

And everything else…they…and I…just don’t need to know.

I made a promise to God when He began to bless my writing that I would never use my gift to hurt anyone or write anything negatively of them. I feel a strong sense of responsibility to only lift the body of believers up, and that, I pray I will always do. I believe in the core of my soul that God will not bless one who uses their gifts to manipulate or harm another, and further, I believe He will take them away from a person who does. God willing, I will never be that person.

And so, this blog is not about those things.

This blog is about finding out things I need to know when God thinks I can handle them. It’s about trusting He knows me better than I know myself, because I’m not all too sure I am the right girl for this job.

It’s about resting in His plan for my life, which now includes moving back into a glass house and continuing on my journey to be real and authentic, no matter who is watching. Praise God He lives in the glass house with me.

This one thing I know…I am sure gonna need Him a lot.