I Don't Know How

I have a confession to make that will probably not come as a big surprise to you. In fact, I think I may have confessed it before.

I often try to sort out my life.

I enjoy knowing the end outcome. I like to have everything categorized, sorted through, and determined. And if I can slap a label on it at the end of the process, my mind tells me I have really scored.

You can imagine, then, my concern when I heard myself praying these words over and over this morning during a conversation with God…

God, I don’t know how.

It didn’t shock me to say it, since I am intimately aware of the circumstances I currently live in my life. I already know that I have many unknowns and challenges and untraveled roads up ahead. Yet somehow, acknowledging that I have basically no control over both the big and small aspects of my life, left me feeling a little less secure than I am generally comfortable with. And it made me think of how many of my friends whose circumstances I am aware of might find the same words coming from their very own lips.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna do this.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna work this thing that matters to me out.

God, I don’t know how this impossible thing over here can really happen.

God, I don’t know how this miracle I believe you can perform will be performed.

This morning, not only am I thinking of my own set of I don’t know hows, but I am thinking of the I don’t know hows of many of my friends and acquaintances. I am thinking of my friend with cancer who probably doesn’t know how God is going to defy the prognosis of educated doctors and medical books and heal his body. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how God is going to restore her marriage with a man who says he doesn’t even love her. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how in the world he is ever going to get over the hurt that has been realized in his life. I am thinking of my friend who doesn't know how her husband will find work in time to keep her large family fed. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how the dream tucked away in her heart that only she and God know about is going to ever really happen.

The truth is, there are so many things none of us know how about.

The problem is, we feel like we have to know to live, function and even, trust.

Yet, the things we think we need (the details, facts and information), we don’t really need. We don’t know…and honestly, we don’t need to know.

What we need is found in the comforting words in the latter part of Psalm 9:10: “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.”

Even though there are so many things I don’t know how about, what I do know for sure is that Jesus can be found in the search. For it is in those moments that we find what we really need to press on and move forward…the unfailing love of a Father who knows, cares, and sees. The fact that, as verse 9 tells me, He has never abandoned anyone who searches for Him, lets me know that despite my doubts, fears and honest emotions, I am not disqualified to receive His care and companionship -- during the process of not knowing how and long after I get the answers I think I need.

And so, my prayer changes.

God, I admit that I don’t know how you will sort out the details of my life. I don’t know how you will do the things that seem impossible. But I know that even if I knew, it would not change who You are. So instead, I search for You…the One who can be found in the not knowing, not seeing, and not understanding.

Great thanks.