Hey Marriages -- We Need Help.

I’ve been talking to God today about marriage. Actually, I woke up with it on my brain, knowing I was supposed to write about it. Yet I didn’t want to.

For one thing, it’s a tough topic for me because like most every other woman I know, I struggle to be the kind of wife I need to be. I walk around with certain moments of guilt about how I’m not doing and being everything my marriage needs me to be. And it’s difficult to be vulnerable enough to speak truth about marriage when everything in our Christian society tells us to hold it together, keep it quiet, and pretend really well. Meanwhile, we continue to exist with less than half the marriage God intended us to have. Here’s the hard cold truth: many of us hang on rather than feel fulfilled. Some of us endure but don’t enjoy. Lots of us perfect the act of a married couple but never really realize the dream of the partnership we all long for.

People, it’s all of us…at some point…to some degree.

The other thing that plays into my lack of desire to talk about marriage is the fact that so many of my friends are hurting in this area right now. I have always talked with women who were dealing with the issue of being a wife, but this somehow feels different. I have never before seen the outright assault on marriages I am seeing today. It is frightening, alarming and discouraging. It has reminded me that all of us doing this marriage thing are basically swimming upstream in a small paddleboat with no working equipment. Period.

Look, I don’t pretend to know everything (or anything, for that matter) about other people’s specific marriage journey. And nothing I write in this note is written with someone’s marriage in mind but my own. The truth is that I don’t need to call out specifics in order to share what God has put on my heart on this subject.

But I should tell you that you may not like the conclusion I’ve come to. Because it’s really about being a doer of the Word, and that thought sounds as tough as it is.

Now before you pull out the cynical card and assume I am going to bash you over the head with a cocktail of Scriptures about why you are sinning if you get out of your marriage, please save yourself the trouble and don’t. I doubt I’m going where you think I am.

Where I’m going is just to be honest and tell you that there are days I have wanted to give up, too. There are times I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog Day and I am reliving the same conversation/argument/frustration I have lived multiple times before. There are moments I do not have the confidence that either one of us will ever change what we need to change to be what we need each other to be. I’m not supposed to tell you that, but I don’t care. I almost wouldn’t listen to someone who didn’t tell you something along these lines because I don’t believe they are honest.

But despite those truthful feelings, here’s what God laid on my heart about marriage today…

Often, we hurt each other with our words. The book of James talks about how powerful and hurtful our tongue can be, and never is that so true than in a marriage when we slice and dice with what we say…out of frustration, pain or selfishness.

Sometimes, we withhold grace from each other. They make us mad and we let them know it. We rarely give them the benefit of the doubt. We judge, assume and accuse. Yet the book of Romans (among others) talks a lot about the importance of giving more grace.

Regularly, we feed our flesh. Among our greatest flesh-feeding frenzies are things like not wanting to work on things that are too hard, not wanting to face things we need to personally change, and wanting to live hedonistically with things that only feel good. Most of the time these things don’t have us running to the book of John to hear about how this flesh feed turns out.

I write this today, not sitting in judgment of anyone or having anyone’s marriage in mind. I am keenly aware that some of you reading have been the victim of someone's else's decisions, and you didn't ask for any of it. (While you would certainly recognize you aren't perfect, you have fought for a marriage your spouse did not want in the same way. There is another message for you in another blog at another time. But there is still a bigger message for you about your spiritual journey in this post that I pray you find.) But I write this today because as I journey in my own marriage, I am reminded of how important it is to be aware of what is going on, recognize it in my life, read what the Word says, and then do it.

Because I believe that at the very core of every marriage issue lies a spiritual issue that were we to practice the truth of the Word, it would change.

We can fight it, resent it, and read 3 zillion marriage fix-it books in the meantime, but it doesn’t move us away from the reality that the only way to have a good, enjoyable marriage is to do what the Word says to do to make us the person we need to be.

All the other excuses we give don’t change that, and all the shortcuts we try in between won’t, either. At some point we have to drill down and see where the truth of God’s Word is different from our life, we must change.

If I wait to feel like it, I never will.

But if the truths in the Word deliver what they promise, it is more than worth my effort.

I am praying for a group of married people to have the courage to rise up, see the issues, call them what they are, and do the work. Will you join me in the effort?

I just happen to believe that if we will, Satan may start to get really disappointed by the results.

Dear God, help us in our marriages. You know how bad we need it.

Amen.

I Don't Know How

I have a confession to make that will probably not come as a big surprise to you. In fact, I think I may have confessed it before.

I often try to sort out my life.

I enjoy knowing the end outcome. I like to have everything categorized, sorted through, and determined. And if I can slap a label on it at the end of the process, my mind tells me I have really scored.

You can imagine, then, my concern when I heard myself praying these words over and over this morning during a conversation with God…

God, I don’t know how.

It didn’t shock me to say it, since I am intimately aware of the circumstances I currently live in my life. I already know that I have many unknowns and challenges and untraveled roads up ahead. Yet somehow, acknowledging that I have basically no control over both the big and small aspects of my life, left me feeling a little less secure than I am generally comfortable with. And it made me think of how many of my friends whose circumstances I am aware of might find the same words coming from their very own lips.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna do this.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna work this thing that matters to me out.

God, I don’t know how this impossible thing over here can really happen.

God, I don’t know how this miracle I believe you can perform will be performed.

This morning, not only am I thinking of my own set of I don’t know hows, but I am thinking of the I don’t know hows of many of my friends and acquaintances. I am thinking of my friend with cancer who probably doesn’t know how God is going to defy the prognosis of educated doctors and medical books and heal his body. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how God is going to restore her marriage with a man who says he doesn’t even love her. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how in the world he is ever going to get over the hurt that has been realized in his life. I am thinking of my friend who doesn't know how her husband will find work in time to keep her large family fed. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how the dream tucked away in her heart that only she and God know about is going to ever really happen.

The truth is, there are so many things none of us know how about.

The problem is, we feel like we have to know to live, function and even, trust.

Yet, the things we think we need (the details, facts and information), we don’t really need. We don’t know…and honestly, we don’t need to know.

What we need is found in the comforting words in the latter part of Psalm 9:10: “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.”

Even though there are so many things I don’t know how about, what I do know for sure is that Jesus can be found in the search. For it is in those moments that we find what we really need to press on and move forward…the unfailing love of a Father who knows, cares, and sees. The fact that, as verse 9 tells me, He has never abandoned anyone who searches for Him, lets me know that despite my doubts, fears and honest emotions, I am not disqualified to receive His care and companionship -- during the process of not knowing how and long after I get the answers I think I need.

And so, my prayer changes.

God, I admit that I don’t know how you will sort out the details of my life. I don’t know how you will do the things that seem impossible. But I know that even if I knew, it would not change who You are. So instead, I search for You…the One who can be found in the not knowing, not seeing, and not understanding.

Great thanks.

She Seeks Speak Up Challenge

Please tell me you are like me.

You see the video rolling on the TV, showing the devastation in Haiti. You want to do something, but you look in your wallet and can't find a dime to give. You wish you could get on a plane and fly over there immediately, helping out in any way they need. The urge is there, and so is the concern. But you can't seem to find anyway to get involved, so you pray, knowing it is the only thing {and the best thing} you can really do.

I've got some good news for you. I have another way for you to get involved.

Today, over at She Seeks, we have issued a She Seeks Speak Up Challenge. Simply click here to find out more:She Seeks Speak Up Challenge

As you can see, all you have to do is invest about 6-8 minutes of your time...watching the video, sharing the link and leaving a comment on our site to let us know how you have helped spread the word. Your comments equal dollars, as our donors are paying the wonderful ministry of Compassion every time you tweet, blog, share on Facebook, or whatever other outlet you may have access to, and tell us about it. It's not complicated, and it requires very little effort.

But if you're like me, it gives you the satisfaction that you have done more than you did the day before to help people who God cares about very much.

Thanks for taking the challenge. You didn't even have to get up from your computer, and it's already making a difference.

Someone Who Changed My Life

Sometimes, someone comes along and changes your life.

Someone came along and changed mine on January 31, 1998.

His name is Graham Scott Whittle.

Not only did he offer me my first shot at being a mom, but he also presented me with my first opportunity to love someone far more than myself.

His presence has made me laugh, cry, and simultaneously experience both joy and sacrifice.

His dimpled grin melts me. His eyes tell me how he really feels. His hair is cool, his heart is big, and his resolve is strong.

His voice is changing, {which freaks me out} and so are his interests. Sometimes I wish he would sit and draw something amazing for me like he used to when he was little. But then I watch him outside in all kinds of weather, practicing the sport he loves…and that reminds me that less and less, I will decide such things for him.

In 12 years I’ve watched him grow taller than I ever expected. I’ve seen him make the right choice and sometimes, make the wrong one. I’ve watched his eagerness to make his dad and me proud, and that has not been hard for us to offer back to him. I’ve witnessed him love God and begin to personalize that relationship, which may be the single most exciting thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched him do things he wasn’t asked to do but did them because he knew they would make my life easier. In those moments, I have been grateful.

I’ve seen an artistic, fun-loving little baby turn into a thoughtful young man, with a strong sense of right and wrong.

I know he won’t always do the right thing. I’m prepared (as much as a mom can be) for the times his actions will disappoint me. He’s not perfect, and we do our best to let him know he doesn’t have to be. The truth is that I have always known that his own expectations for himself will drive him harder than anything else ever could.

But what I do know is that his dad and I happen to believe he can be a world changer. It’s not that he’s got more talent than most kids or better intelligence or social skills. It’s just that his life belongs to God. And with that assurance comes great possibility.

My life changed forever the day Graham Whittle was born. He is my amazing son, and I love him in ways a short note (or long one, for that matter) can’t fully express.

May God be with him all the days of his life. May we continue to celebrate his successes and nurture him through his trials. May his life count for more than just himself.

His dad says he can be anything he wants to be. I say he is already more than I ever imagined.

The Better Life

My friend, Cindy, is posting about me and giving away my books this week at her blog. (If you want to enter to win, head over THERE now.) I know her friends who pop over here from that shout-out may expect me to be as witty and clever as she is, but I’m not sure I even want to attempt it. That Cindy Beall is a funny one.

She’s also real. And bold. And for me, that’s an amazing combination. Add a good-loving Jesus girl to the mix and you’ve got awesome.

One of the things I love and appreciate most about Cindy is her ability to move past a painful experience in her marriage and be willing to share openly about it. (If you are one of my bloggy friends who does not know Cindy and her story, CLICK HERE to read about it.) While most of us are quick to point out and even dwell on the shortcomings of others, it’s not often that we are able to openly acknowledge the ways we have wandered away from truth instead of walking in it in our own life. Cindy’s husband has been willing to do that, and the result has been phenomenal.

Listen, we all sin. {At least I hope that's something we are all on the same page about.} We all sometimes say and do things we shouldn’t. The last I checked, none of us are perfect. But fortunately, perfection is not a characteristic God expects any of us to have. Instead, He’s perfect enough for all of us, and then some.

In case you haven’t heard, the Christian life is not about striving to be accepted in the eyes of others or performing to meet their expectations. Good thing, because most of us would fail miserably at that one.

But it’s about pursuing a right relationship with God to the point where nothing stands between the two of you and you know it -- no hidden sin or known pretense. It’s the kind of relationship where you can lay your head on the pillow at night and know that despite all else, you are unquestionably clean before your Lord.

There was a point in Cindy’s husband Chris’s life that he couldn’t say that.

But a desire to forgo personal turmoil and instead, adopt righteousness, led him to become honest about the hidden things going on in his heart. And as a result, his family and many others have been profoundly affected.

I love Cindy Beall. I love her story. But what I love the most is that we both worship the One who loves, chastens, and flat out doesn’t let go. We both worship the One who gives peaceful rest to those whose hearts are bent toward Him; the One who offers the enormously better life.

Sweet Jesus. Blessed restoration.

re-focus

There’s undeniably something on my mind tonight.

Maybe it’s because as I write this, my husband and oldest son are off for a guy’s night out, talking about what it means to be a real man in today’s world. Maybe it’s because of the funeral we attended this past weekend for my husband’s uncle who died of cancer. Or maybe it’s because of what happened to me a week ago, Saturday night.

We were supposed to be enjoying a pizza dinner out with my parents before they headed back to Oklahoma for a few months. I should have loved the food. I should have loved the company even more. But I couldn’t enjoy either because my heart was burdened; and my thoughts were somewhere else. I left the table empty in more ways than one.

We hugged, said our goodbyes and the usual, “I love you’s.” They pulled away as I slipped into my seat in the car, thankful to be back in my own private thought world. It was about that time the tears began to form.

I was sad because they were leaving. I was sad because they were traveling so far away. But I was the saddest about something else.

I was sad because in that one hour I had let something get in my way of focusing on some of the people in my life that matter most. It was something that didn’t deserve my focus. It was something that wasn’t helpful for me to give time and energy to. It was something that took me away – if just mentally – from what was really important. And in a matter of less than 2 minutes, I went from being sad to being mad at myself for allowing it into my mind and life.

What this and the other two things I mentioned at the top of this post have reminded me of in the past week is how easily I can forget about what truly deserves the attention and focus in my life. Maybe you can relate.

As I sit at my desk and write this, I am less than a foot away from a picture of three amazing young people who live in my house with my husband and me. Together, we are trying to raise them to be world changers. That is not only a high privilege, but also a daunting task, and it deserves my focus.

On the other side of my desk sits another picture. It’s of two people with their faces smushed together, smiling widely for the camera. These two people have journeyed in life together for 15 years. To be married that long is almost a miracle. To be married 15 more will be another. I don’t take my marriage lightly or what it takes to make it thrive. It deserves my focus.

Within reach of my left hand rests my Bible. It’s got a few too many worship guides stuck in it and it’s a little beat up, but it’s mine. It’s gotten me through many a morning, day and night. It represents my relationship with Jesus and how He speaks to my heart. That relationship, more than anything else, deserves my focus.

Yet I find that it is the unhealthy things that often steal that focus away. Things I can’t change. Comparisons with others. Words that hurt. People who drain. Things I look at, taste and touch that dirty my heart. Relationships that aren’t real. Things I don’t need and can’t take with me but think I can’t do without.

It took a few days and the three things I mentioned to give me that jolt to remind me of what is real in my life and what I want to be about.

~Aligning my life with Jesus so that like me or not, people cannot deny His presence in my life.

~Remembering what is true and good and pursuing only that.

~Soaking up opportunities to influence people towards something more than themselves.

Tonight, I look around me and see very clearly the things that deserve my focus. I pray not, but tomorrow I may forget. But if I do I need not look any further than things that sit right under my nose and within inches of my right and left hands.

God’s given me plenty to do.

spotlight living

{As my new inspirational entry is running today on the Proverbs 31 She Seeks site, I feel sure that I am welcoming some new readers to my blog. Thanks for stopping by...sign up to get updated posts...and please, come back soon! And if you haven't yet been to www.sheseeks.org, pop over there today to get my take on New Year's Resolutions and see what cool things God is doing through our ministry.

With the new year upon us and the idea of opportunity for a fresh start, I was reminded of an article I wrote in a past issue of the Women of Faith's Connection Magazine called Spotlight Living. With their permission, I post it here. I pray something in it will inspire you in some way as you begin 2010...}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Technically, I’ve been walking in the light for nearly 30 years. Technically.

But the truth of the matter is that despite the fact that I became a Christian at the ripe old age of 6, my “light” was not shining very bright until about 7 years ago. In fact, though I had the words to the song “This Little Light of Mine” memorized, my light was not illuminating very well at all. Flickering, really, at best.

Like so many women, I was living my life as a small little nightlight, rather than a big, bright shining, spotlight. Truthfully, it’s where many of us currently reside.

It’s not that we want to live our life as a small side table nightlight. The truth is, we’d much rather make it onto the big stage of life, shining proudly and brightly for all to see. But our fears and comfort zones often keep us in a place of darkness, blending in with all the other dark-dwelling people of the world. Dimmed by our own expectations, our lives consist of whatever we think someone else wants us to have, be or do. We are so paralyzed by our own insecurities that being salt and light to others is not always on our radar screens. Instead, we are just trying to make it through the day while holding it all together. In which case, those walking around in darkness do not see light and hope in our eyes, but instead see the same emptiness they, themselves, feel. As a result, they don’t find anything in us worth changing their life over.

Spotlight living attracts people to its illuminations. It draws people in. It stands out in the crowd…causes people to take notice…and interests others to the point that they begin asking questions. Where a nightlight is hardly noticed, a spotlight is highly noticeable. It is the life that impacts others in a big way.

Spotlight living represents a life that is set free by the power of pretense. It symbolizes a life that has journeyed past being comfortable and content with being a simple nightlight. It is a life that hopes, believes, cares, and trusts. It is a life of total surrender and complete fulfillment.

But spotlight living does not come without a cost. Spotlight living requires genuineness and authenticity. It demands truth telling and freedom craving. True, for believers, the light that is within us is Jesus Christ. But if it is not well within our soul we can’t show that light to others. We might want to shine brightly, but our pretense and perfectionism will overshadow our efforts every time.

In a world full of people walking around in darkness, nightlight living simply won’t do the trick. Only when we discover who we are, who we are meant to be, and where our giftedness lies, can we move past the nightlight stage to the bright lights of spotlight living. Then and only then can we get our “shine on” for those around us to see.

I don’t know about you, but I like the idea of being a bright spot in someone else’s life. I think I’ve been a nightlight long enough.