I Don't Know How

I have a confession to make that will probably not come as a big surprise to you. In fact, I think I may have confessed it before.

I often try to sort out my life.

I enjoy knowing the end outcome. I like to have everything categorized, sorted through, and determined. And if I can slap a label on it at the end of the process, my mind tells me I have really scored.

You can imagine, then, my concern when I heard myself praying these words over and over this morning during a conversation with God…

God, I don’t know how.

It didn’t shock me to say it, since I am intimately aware of the circumstances I currently live in my life. I already know that I have many unknowns and challenges and untraveled roads up ahead. Yet somehow, acknowledging that I have basically no control over both the big and small aspects of my life, left me feeling a little less secure than I am generally comfortable with. And it made me think of how many of my friends whose circumstances I am aware of might find the same words coming from their very own lips.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna do this.

God, I don’t know how you are gonna work this thing that matters to me out.

God, I don’t know how this impossible thing over here can really happen.

God, I don’t know how this miracle I believe you can perform will be performed.

This morning, not only am I thinking of my own set of I don’t know hows, but I am thinking of the I don’t know hows of many of my friends and acquaintances. I am thinking of my friend with cancer who probably doesn’t know how God is going to defy the prognosis of educated doctors and medical books and heal his body. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how God is going to restore her marriage with a man who says he doesn’t even love her. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how in the world he is ever going to get over the hurt that has been realized in his life. I am thinking of my friend who doesn't know how her husband will find work in time to keep her large family fed. I am thinking of my friend who doesn’t know how the dream tucked away in her heart that only she and God know about is going to ever really happen.

The truth is, there are so many things none of us know how about.

The problem is, we feel like we have to know to live, function and even, trust.

Yet, the things we think we need (the details, facts and information), we don’t really need. We don’t know…and honestly, we don’t need to know.

What we need is found in the comforting words in the latter part of Psalm 9:10: “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.”

Even though there are so many things I don’t know how about, what I do know for sure is that Jesus can be found in the search. For it is in those moments that we find what we really need to press on and move forward…the unfailing love of a Father who knows, cares, and sees. The fact that, as verse 9 tells me, He has never abandoned anyone who searches for Him, lets me know that despite my doubts, fears and honest emotions, I am not disqualified to receive His care and companionship -- during the process of not knowing how and long after I get the answers I think I need.

And so, my prayer changes.

God, I admit that I don’t know how you will sort out the details of my life. I don’t know how you will do the things that seem impossible. But I know that even if I knew, it would not change who You are. So instead, I search for You…the One who can be found in the not knowing, not seeing, and not understanding.

Great thanks.

She Seeks Speak Up Challenge

Please tell me you are like me.

You see the video rolling on the TV, showing the devastation in Haiti. You want to do something, but you look in your wallet and can't find a dime to give. You wish you could get on a plane and fly over there immediately, helping out in any way they need. The urge is there, and so is the concern. But you can't seem to find anyway to get involved, so you pray, knowing it is the only thing {and the best thing} you can really do.

I've got some good news for you. I have another way for you to get involved.

Today, over at She Seeks, we have issued a She Seeks Speak Up Challenge. Simply click here to find out more:She Seeks Speak Up Challenge

As you can see, all you have to do is invest about 6-8 minutes of your time...watching the video, sharing the link and leaving a comment on our site to let us know how you have helped spread the word. Your comments equal dollars, as our donors are paying the wonderful ministry of Compassion every time you tweet, blog, share on Facebook, or whatever other outlet you may have access to, and tell us about it. It's not complicated, and it requires very little effort.

But if you're like me, it gives you the satisfaction that you have done more than you did the day before to help people who God cares about very much.

Thanks for taking the challenge. You didn't even have to get up from your computer, and it's already making a difference.

Someone Who Changed My Life

Sometimes, someone comes along and changes your life.

Someone came along and changed mine on January 31, 1998.

His name is Graham Scott Whittle.

Not only did he offer me my first shot at being a mom, but he also presented me with my first opportunity to love someone far more than myself.

His presence has made me laugh, cry, and simultaneously experience both joy and sacrifice.

His dimpled grin melts me. His eyes tell me how he really feels. His hair is cool, his heart is big, and his resolve is strong.

His voice is changing, {which freaks me out} and so are his interests. Sometimes I wish he would sit and draw something amazing for me like he used to when he was little. But then I watch him outside in all kinds of weather, practicing the sport he loves…and that reminds me that less and less, I will decide such things for him.

In 12 years I’ve watched him grow taller than I ever expected. I’ve seen him make the right choice and sometimes, make the wrong one. I’ve watched his eagerness to make his dad and me proud, and that has not been hard for us to offer back to him. I’ve witnessed him love God and begin to personalize that relationship, which may be the single most exciting thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve watched him do things he wasn’t asked to do but did them because he knew they would make my life easier. In those moments, I have been grateful.

I’ve seen an artistic, fun-loving little baby turn into a thoughtful young man, with a strong sense of right and wrong.

I know he won’t always do the right thing. I’m prepared (as much as a mom can be) for the times his actions will disappoint me. He’s not perfect, and we do our best to let him know he doesn’t have to be. The truth is that I have always known that his own expectations for himself will drive him harder than anything else ever could.

But what I do know is that his dad and I happen to believe he can be a world changer. It’s not that he’s got more talent than most kids or better intelligence or social skills. It’s just that his life belongs to God. And with that assurance comes great possibility.

My life changed forever the day Graham Whittle was born. He is my amazing son, and I love him in ways a short note (or long one, for that matter) can’t fully express.

May God be with him all the days of his life. May we continue to celebrate his successes and nurture him through his trials. May his life count for more than just himself.

His dad says he can be anything he wants to be. I say he is already more than I ever imagined.

The Better Life

My friend, Cindy, is posting about me and giving away my books this week at her blog. (If you want to enter to win, head over THERE now.) I know her friends who pop over here from that shout-out may expect me to be as witty and clever as she is, but I’m not sure I even want to attempt it. That Cindy Beall is a funny one.

She’s also real. And bold. And for me, that’s an amazing combination. Add a good-loving Jesus girl to the mix and you’ve got awesome.

One of the things I love and appreciate most about Cindy is her ability to move past a painful experience in her marriage and be willing to share openly about it. (If you are one of my bloggy friends who does not know Cindy and her story, CLICK HERE to read about it.) While most of us are quick to point out and even dwell on the shortcomings of others, it’s not often that we are able to openly acknowledge the ways we have wandered away from truth instead of walking in it in our own life. Cindy’s husband has been willing to do that, and the result has been phenomenal.

Listen, we all sin. {At least I hope that's something we are all on the same page about.} We all sometimes say and do things we shouldn’t. The last I checked, none of us are perfect. But fortunately, perfection is not a characteristic God expects any of us to have. Instead, He’s perfect enough for all of us, and then some.

In case you haven’t heard, the Christian life is not about striving to be accepted in the eyes of others or performing to meet their expectations. Good thing, because most of us would fail miserably at that one.

But it’s about pursuing a right relationship with God to the point where nothing stands between the two of you and you know it -- no hidden sin or known pretense. It’s the kind of relationship where you can lay your head on the pillow at night and know that despite all else, you are unquestionably clean before your Lord.

There was a point in Cindy’s husband Chris’s life that he couldn’t say that.

But a desire to forgo personal turmoil and instead, adopt righteousness, led him to become honest about the hidden things going on in his heart. And as a result, his family and many others have been profoundly affected.

I love Cindy Beall. I love her story. But what I love the most is that we both worship the One who loves, chastens, and flat out doesn’t let go. We both worship the One who gives peaceful rest to those whose hearts are bent toward Him; the One who offers the enormously better life.

Sweet Jesus. Blessed restoration.

re-focus

There’s undeniably something on my mind tonight.

Maybe it’s because as I write this, my husband and oldest son are off for a guy’s night out, talking about what it means to be a real man in today’s world. Maybe it’s because of the funeral we attended this past weekend for my husband’s uncle who died of cancer. Or maybe it’s because of what happened to me a week ago, Saturday night.

We were supposed to be enjoying a pizza dinner out with my parents before they headed back to Oklahoma for a few months. I should have loved the food. I should have loved the company even more. But I couldn’t enjoy either because my heart was burdened; and my thoughts were somewhere else. I left the table empty in more ways than one.

We hugged, said our goodbyes and the usual, “I love you’s.” They pulled away as I slipped into my seat in the car, thankful to be back in my own private thought world. It was about that time the tears began to form.

I was sad because they were leaving. I was sad because they were traveling so far away. But I was the saddest about something else.

I was sad because in that one hour I had let something get in my way of focusing on some of the people in my life that matter most. It was something that didn’t deserve my focus. It was something that wasn’t helpful for me to give time and energy to. It was something that took me away – if just mentally – from what was really important. And in a matter of less than 2 minutes, I went from being sad to being mad at myself for allowing it into my mind and life.

What this and the other two things I mentioned at the top of this post have reminded me of in the past week is how easily I can forget about what truly deserves the attention and focus in my life. Maybe you can relate.

As I sit at my desk and write this, I am less than a foot away from a picture of three amazing young people who live in my house with my husband and me. Together, we are trying to raise them to be world changers. That is not only a high privilege, but also a daunting task, and it deserves my focus.

On the other side of my desk sits another picture. It’s of two people with their faces smushed together, smiling widely for the camera. These two people have journeyed in life together for 15 years. To be married that long is almost a miracle. To be married 15 more will be another. I don’t take my marriage lightly or what it takes to make it thrive. It deserves my focus.

Within reach of my left hand rests my Bible. It’s got a few too many worship guides stuck in it and it’s a little beat up, but it’s mine. It’s gotten me through many a morning, day and night. It represents my relationship with Jesus and how He speaks to my heart. That relationship, more than anything else, deserves my focus.

Yet I find that it is the unhealthy things that often steal that focus away. Things I can’t change. Comparisons with others. Words that hurt. People who drain. Things I look at, taste and touch that dirty my heart. Relationships that aren’t real. Things I don’t need and can’t take with me but think I can’t do without.

It took a few days and the three things I mentioned to give me that jolt to remind me of what is real in my life and what I want to be about.

~Aligning my life with Jesus so that like me or not, people cannot deny His presence in my life.

~Remembering what is true and good and pursuing only that.

~Soaking up opportunities to influence people towards something more than themselves.

Tonight, I look around me and see very clearly the things that deserve my focus. I pray not, but tomorrow I may forget. But if I do I need not look any further than things that sit right under my nose and within inches of my right and left hands.

God’s given me plenty to do.

spotlight living

{As my new inspirational entry is running today on the Proverbs 31 She Seeks site, I feel sure that I am welcoming some new readers to my blog. Thanks for stopping by...sign up to get updated posts...and please, come back soon! And if you haven't yet been to www.sheseeks.org, pop over there today to get my take on New Year's Resolutions and see what cool things God is doing through our ministry.

With the new year upon us and the idea of opportunity for a fresh start, I was reminded of an article I wrote in a past issue of the Women of Faith's Connection Magazine called Spotlight Living. With their permission, I post it here. I pray something in it will inspire you in some way as you begin 2010...}

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Technically, I’ve been walking in the light for nearly 30 years. Technically.

But the truth of the matter is that despite the fact that I became a Christian at the ripe old age of 6, my “light” was not shining very bright until about 7 years ago. In fact, though I had the words to the song “This Little Light of Mine” memorized, my light was not illuminating very well at all. Flickering, really, at best.

Like so many women, I was living my life as a small little nightlight, rather than a big, bright shining, spotlight. Truthfully, it’s where many of us currently reside.

It’s not that we want to live our life as a small side table nightlight. The truth is, we’d much rather make it onto the big stage of life, shining proudly and brightly for all to see. But our fears and comfort zones often keep us in a place of darkness, blending in with all the other dark-dwelling people of the world. Dimmed by our own expectations, our lives consist of whatever we think someone else wants us to have, be or do. We are so paralyzed by our own insecurities that being salt and light to others is not always on our radar screens. Instead, we are just trying to make it through the day while holding it all together. In which case, those walking around in darkness do not see light and hope in our eyes, but instead see the same emptiness they, themselves, feel. As a result, they don’t find anything in us worth changing their life over.

Spotlight living attracts people to its illuminations. It draws people in. It stands out in the crowd…causes people to take notice…and interests others to the point that they begin asking questions. Where a nightlight is hardly noticed, a spotlight is highly noticeable. It is the life that impacts others in a big way.

Spotlight living represents a life that is set free by the power of pretense. It symbolizes a life that has journeyed past being comfortable and content with being a simple nightlight. It is a life that hopes, believes, cares, and trusts. It is a life of total surrender and complete fulfillment.

But spotlight living does not come without a cost. Spotlight living requires genuineness and authenticity. It demands truth telling and freedom craving. True, for believers, the light that is within us is Jesus Christ. But if it is not well within our soul we can’t show that light to others. We might want to shine brightly, but our pretense and perfectionism will overshadow our efforts every time.

In a world full of people walking around in darkness, nightlight living simply won’t do the trick. Only when we discover who we are, who we are meant to be, and where our giftedness lies, can we move past the nightlight stage to the bright lights of spotlight living. Then and only then can we get our “shine on” for those around us to see.

I don’t know about you, but I like the idea of being a bright spot in someone else’s life. I think I’ve been a nightlight long enough.

Intervention

I am not too proud to admit that I sometimes get discouraged and afraid.

Some days, it’s just hard. Some days I feel good. But still, on other days, I feel like pulling the covers over my head in the morning and pretending that not getting out of bed is a viable option for me.

Sometimes I get emails that say things I want to hear and make me feel good. Other times I get emails that cause me to cry or become frustrated, maybe even angry.

Sometimes I feel successful with my family. Other times I feel like I have failed at nearly every responsibility with these 4 people I have ever been given.

Some days, I feel compelled and inspired to write. Other days I have enough sense to know I need to stop my fingers from typing something I have no business sharing with anyone but God.

Some moments I see what God is doing, and I don’t even need glasses. Other moments I have no concept of what He might be trying to do and I wonder why He doesn’t see that I am not cut out for the deal He’s got me in.

I hope you can relate to me. Otherwise, I am more blitzed than I think I am.

I won’t lie: the times when I am feeling like Plans A – Z haven’t worked out for me, my Bible becomes my lifeline. My prayers get amped up. I look for God more – maybe even desperately so – in every day things. I get more demanding of His presence in my life. Otherwise, I can’t hold on.

If my email inbox is any indication, I think we are on the same page. One of the emails I got this week was from a friend whose daughter is hurting over a love she feels she won’t ever get over. Another was from a young woman who lost her mom not even 8 weeks ago and doesn’t understand why she resents God for it. Yet another was from someone who is having a tough time hanging on to life, in general.

I got a CaringBridge update on my friend, Kris, who has cancer. He’s struggling, still. It drove me to pray for him, the very second I got it.

I got a rejection email, even though it didn’t say that in the subject line. But I have read through the lines before. Say it nice or say it not nice, it’s still a rejection. And rejections hurt, no matter how they come.

Listen, friend…this is my life. It is the good, bad, ugly and everything in between. Yet, I resist things that I don’t like with every fiber of my being because I am naturally drawn to pleasure and not pain. Thus far in my life, I’ve never met anyone who isn’t.

When I am wrought with feelings of discouragement or fear, invariably, I travel back to the same conclusion as last week, last month, last year. And that is that life is not easy because it’s not meant to be easy. Life is an ebb and flow – full of beautiful things and things that almost literally inhale our soul.

If we are believers, we say we love God. We say we need God. But when life is a DisneyWorld vacation, we tend to shelve those particular things and tell God we’ll talk to Him later. We are much too busy buying things, riding things, seeing things, experiencing things and trying things to have a one-on-one with Someone who isn’t available for autographs or photo ops.

We can’t touch God or see Him, so we grab at those things we can.

But when those things crumble in front of us, we are forced to finally face Him.

It’s in that moment that we are finally available to have a divine interaction with the Most High.

It is the most desperate place to be. It is the most raw and most real. It is the most effective. It is when we stop thinking of God only when we need a close parking place at the Mall and instead, desperately grab onto His collar and beg Him to come and invade our discouraged and fearful life.

Glory to God for sticking around for those moments we need an intervention. Praise Him for giving us things that bring us to recognize we even have that need in the first place. Bless His name, for as long as we have breath in our body, we have the ability to worship our Rescuer.

In the end, as in the beginning, that’s life.