My Wilted Blessing

I write to you this morning, conflicted. I am conflicted because I know what I am supposed to write about. But I really don’t want to.

My issue is one of pride; really, for fear that my honesty will reveal my “ugly” flesh side to you. (We all have one, you know.) But as I encourage readers to do in my new book, (Behind Those Eyes: What’s Really Going on Inside the Souls of Women) I will hold myself to the same standard of truth. I will share with you about how my stubbornness and desire to control things one day led me to miss out on something very special. It’s what I call my "wilted blessing."

It was my 12th wedding anniversary this year. Each year my husband and I try to do a small get-away to celebrate our life together, and this year was no exception. Except for one. This year, my husband offered to completely plan the whole evening, from start to finish. Ever the administrator, I usually make most of our romantic arrangements. But in his newfound planning role, Scotty seemed genuinely excited to prepare and plan in order to make it a great evening for both of us. Admittedly, I was glad to not have to handle things with the Breath of Heaven conference right around the corner, but I was also nervous to completely let go of control of the night’s plans and surrender to whatever plans he made for us!

The night arrived, and after kissing our kids goodbye and giving last minute instructions to the babysitting grandparents, we were off. Dinner was first on the agenda, and my hubby took me to one of our favorite places for dinner, where we dined on a delicious steak and seafood meal. After finishing, we left the restaurant and drove around downtown for a bit, admiring the bright lights of the city we both love. Finally, my husband had one final surprise for me. He drove a few more blocks and pulled into the parking deck of a downtown hotel. The perfect evening was going to be capped off by staying in a beautiful hotel together! Since this is something we both really enjoy doing, I was excited by the thought!

But as we pulled deeper into the parking garage, my excitement began to be replaced by concern. I noticed the look of things changing a bit, between the cracked concrete and caution tape and shady looking characters milling around the parked cars. I voiced my thoughts to my husband. “I don’t know about this, honey. Really. Maybe we should go somewhere else. Don’t ya think?” But Scotty wasn’t deterred. “No, it’ll be fine. Don’t worry. It’ll be good.” He pulled into a parking place and started to get out of the car.

At this point, I had pretty well convinced myself that I wasn’t going to stay there, no matter how persuasive Scotty was. I had already confirmed to myself that it wasn’t where I wanted to spend my anniversary night. So I spoke up again, this time with a bit more passion and a lot more verbs in my sentences. “Honey, I want to go now. This is not my idea of a nice hotel. Let’s get out of here!” Completely annoyed, Scotty was not able to hide his frustration over my requests to bail. But 12 years of marriage to me gave him insights far beyond how I like to take my coffee and what side of the bed I like to sleep on…he knew that once his stubborn wife dug her heels in about something, it was unlikely he would be able to “dig” her out. So, without a word of protest, he slammed the door shut, whipped the car into reverse, and took off. Just like that, we had exited the parking garage and taken off down the road, again.

I noticed we were heading in the direction of home and decided to break the silence with a suggestion. “Why don’t we just stay somewhere else, Scotty? Why do we have to go home? Can’t you see why I didn’t want to stay at that fleabag hotel?” Finally, Scotty spoke. “Now how do you know that hotel is a fleabag hotel? I checked it out, and I happen to know that it has a great rating and is very nice. Why don’t you trust me to get us a good place?” The temperature was rising in the car, as I shot back, “I do trust you, but that place wasn’t nice! I could see that! I don’t know why you are so sensitive about it, anyway. What’s the big deal?”

Clearly, the conversation was over in my husband’s mind. He brooded the whole way home, and I did nothing to stop him or make it better. Since I was obviously making it worse, I decided to keep my mouth shut and close my eyes on the ride home. Even though the children were staying with their grandparents, my instincts told me that there would not be much of anything besides sleep going on in my house that night.

Arriving home, we went through our usual routines of readying ourselves for bed. In the silence, we slipped into the covers and both quickly drifted off to sleep. I don’t think we even said, “goodnight.”

We woke up the next morning in a lighter mood, though still without much conversation. I had just poured my coffee when my husband spoke up. “Lisa, let’s talk, “ he said. “Ok…” I mustered back. He continued. “Do you know why I was so upset with you last night?” “Well…yes…I guess so,” I confirmed. “I was difficult and wanted my way about the hotel. I didn’t like the one you picked and couldn’t hide that very well.” He replied, “Yes, that’s part of it. You were trying to control things, and I was trying to do something nice for you by taking the stress off you to plan our night together. But there was another reason why I was so upset with you about the night that I didn’t tell you about last night." He paused, then continued. “I had ordered a dozen roses, one for each year of our marriage, to be waiting for you with a card in our hotel room. And by not giving the hotel room a shot, you ruined my plans to surprise you with a much better gift than dinner or a drive around downtown that you didn’t know anything about. That is why I was so upset.”

Moved to tears at this revelation, I felt so ashamed over my actions. But still, I didn’t want to face the fact that my desire to control things that been the cause of my missed opportunity to receive such a wonderful gift. “Why didn’t you tell me that, honey?” I asked. “If you would have, I would have definitely wanted to go ahead and stay there! I would have gone in in that case!”

With pure honesty, Scotty answered back. “Because, Lisa, I just wanted you to trust me without knowing all that information. I wanted you to trust that I would have something special for you and had a specific reason in wanting you to stay at that particular hotel, even though you didn’t know what that reason was! I wanted you to, but you didn’t.”

“I am so sorry, honey,” I said. “And I am mad at myself that my desire to control things caused me to miss out on something really special…an extra special anniversary blessing from you.” We hugged and told each other we loved each other, and he promised me he wouldn’t tell everyone about our plans that had gone a bust. We knew we would be seeing some of our good friends later on that night for a cookout and they would likely ask us about our night out. I was so embarrassed by my actions that I really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else for quite a while, if ever!

I still don’t want to talk about my actions, let alone admit them to even myself. I am still pained by the thought that I missed out on my beautiful roses, left to wilt in a hot hotel room with no one to claim them! (For all I know, they went home with a member of the housekeeping staff the next day! :)) I am still ashamed to acknowledge my stubbornness and pride, thinking I knew better and had a better plan than my husband did. I hate that my issues of control sometimes cause me to trust only myself, leaving little room to trust others…and most of all…God.

I wonder how many times God has a blessing for me that I miss out on because I try to control His will for my life. I wonder how many beautiful things He wants to give me that I unknowingly reject because of my pride and fear. I wonder why I ever think I know the best way or the most beneficial path and why I don’t trust Him to handle things for me. I wonder why things that look messy and unattractive to me at first glance cause me to shy away from them, even with the knowledge that God often uses the less glamorous things in life to bestow on us unexpected bountiful blessings.

In Malachi 3, God used His prophet in Jerusalem to remind the Jews (God’s chosen nation), of their willful disobedience towards God in several key areas. Incredulous over their lack of trust, in verse 10, God, through Malachi, tells the people what He will do if they will simply trust and obey Him. He says, “…I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!” Though He is talking about the tithe in this passage, I believe that is the message He is sending us today in the area of obedience in any and every area of our lives.

Just trust me, He says. Trust me to know what I am doing with your life. Trust me to have your best interests in mind. Trust me to have something more beautiful than you are even expecting to be waiting for you on the other side. I want to bless you. But you have to be willing to relinquish control in order to get the gift I have for you. Put me to the test. It might be messy on the way to get there, but I will be with you every step of the way. I will guide you. I will direct you. I will love you. Just ask me to prove my sovereignty to you, and I will. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

Is that where you are today? Are you trying to control your current situation? Do you think you know the best way to deal with your circumstances? Are you convinced you have the better plan figured out and need everyone, including God, to step aside so you can fulfill it? Believe me, as you just read in my very true story of what happened with my missed opportunity with my husband, you are not alone. I can relate to where you are or where you have been.

I wish I could tell you that my missed blessing with my husband was the only blessing I have missed out on because of my desire to control aspects of my life. But I’m confident that it wasn’t. But now, when I catch myself going down this road in a certain situation, those wilted roses are a reminder to me of my wilted blessing – the blessing that I might just be missing out on the next time I say “no” to something I need to say “yes” to. Especially when it comes to God.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Lisa