Question Series: Week #3 -- How "ugly" can I get?

Good morning!
Since posting this blog in the wee hours of the morning, I have received word that my devotion "Secret Places" is being featured on the Proverbs 31 online devotions today. If you are visiting after reading that devotion, welcome to my blog! I had no idea that I would be sharing my "ugly" with quite as many of you today. But God knew...and again, He found a great way to help me kept it real. Hope you can handle my truth, visiting friends. I am praying that somehow this post touches your heart. I find it interesting that on the day I write about "secret places," He asks me to reveal some of my own. Grace for all of us! Lisa


Question: How "ugly" can I get?

Sometimes, I am the ugliest person on the planet. Seriously.

I’m not actually talking about how I looked in the hospital when I was in labor or the airport picture from 1990 my mom took of me when I was in college. Not that either of those categories are cute, mind you, but what I am talking about is more than a case of really sweaty hair and super swollen cankles or a lame pose in high-waisted jeans with thick glasses resembling coke bottles.

What I am talking about is something far uglier.

My “ugly” is what I look like when I love myself too much.

Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently, I’m afraid. I am selfish, ya’ll. And not just a little bit.

We’re talking grade-A…blue ribbon…gold medal…prime time selfish. The look-in-the-dictionary-and-you-will-find-my-picture-next-to-the-definition of the word “selfish” kind of selfish. It’s true. Lest you question my claim’s validity, let me assure you that this selfishness is, indeed, a long held tradition of mine.

~I think about what makes me most comfortable, most of the time.

~I dwell on my likes and dislikes, often spending time wondering what is the best way to get the things I want out of life.

~I get frustrated when things don’t turn out like I think they need to.

And…oh yeah…I really like to get my way.

On a surface-type level, my selfishness shows up in the most conspicuous times. Like when we go to a restaurant as a family …I like to be the decider of where we should eat based on what food meets my craving at the time. When I’m watching TV in my bedroom at night…I mostly hog the remote control and I don’t like to stop and talk to my husband when I’m in the middle of a show I really like to watch. (Especially if it involves me having to find something for him that he’s lost.) And that goes double for me when I am on my computer.

On a spiritual level, my selfishness shows up in the things I do and don’t do for God. I say “yes” to the things I want to do. I submit to His authority when it comes easy for me. I love Him a lot when He is blessing me…speaking to me…and ministering to me. I trust Him when I feel comfortable and safe.

Friends, it’s so ugly…but it’s so true. I am super selfish.

Of all people, God is intimately aware of my struggle with self. Because of that, He tends to graciously give me glorious opportunities to rid myself of the “Goliath” of pride in my life. He helps me keep it real, even when I’d rather keep on keeping it all about me.

Such an opportunity arose recently when He asked me to go and serve at a women’s conference without the expectation of anything, really, in return. No platform, no agenda, no banner, no book signing. Just service. It was something I was honestly not used to.

Upon receipt of my marching orders, I asked Him if He was sure. I reminded Him of my spiritual giftedness (NOT in the area of service). I gave Him my opinion. And then He gently gave me His…

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve…”(Mark 10:45)

So I went. To the conference. And I served.

Honestly, I wasn’t very good at it. I was pretty awkward with it, really. I fumbled around with everything from microphones to banner assembly, and I was rarely in the right place at the right time.

But I went, and in some very small way, I served.

And when I did, my ugly was held at bay, and for a moment, I could see clearly what was and is real…

...Stretching myself to do what does not come naturally to me.

...Taking my Goliath out of the closet and staring it in the face.

...Laying aside my agenda to submit to His.

...Loving Him more than I do me.

If I’m honest with myself I’ll admit that my ugliness has prevented me from doing many things in my life. It has kept me thinking that somehow, anything was about me. It has made me crave the endorsements of others. It has motivated me to seek first the world according to me. It has, over the years, made me decide to trust myself more than I trust my very own DNA- making Creator. I’ve learned a lot about my ugly over the years. It’s been a part of me for a very long time.

Sometimes I see it for what it is, and sometimes, I don’t.

Sometimes I keep it real, and sometimes, I choose not to.

But thanks be to God, for just when my ugly starts to come out again, He gives me another glorious opportunity to die to my self.

And when He does, I will, undoubtedly, once again, try to convince Him that in some way, it still needs to be about me. And then, He will, undoubtedly, convince me that it won’t work if it is. And then I will, once again, re-visit ways to keep it real. And then He will, without fail, accept me back with open arms and give me the privilege to serve without expectation.

And I will take steps toward loving myself less and Him more.

And that is when my ugly leaves and my Goliath dies.

And I remember exactly what is real.

Lisa