I, Me, and My Gifts

He carried it into the room, breathing heavy but grinning madly.

“Well, here it is, honey. Your birthday present. Happy Birthday, Lisa!”

I stared for a minute at the massive cardboard box. Sizing it up, I quickly determined that the tiny pair of earrings I had been eyeing at Zales was NOT inside.

Scotty could hardly suppress his excitement as he lifted the bulky box off the concealed present. When it was finally uncovered, I paused at the sight of all 42 inches of Magnavox staring back at me.

“Is this for me, honey? A flat screen TV? Are you sure it’s a birthday present for me?” I asked.

“Yes! Of course it is! Don’t you like it?” he replied back.

“Well…uh…sure. Thanks, honey…for MY birthday present. It’s kind of like that lingerie you bought ME on our anniversary. Something for ME, right?” I grinned at him and he grinned back, sheepishly. Without a word, both of us knew what the deal with the birthday gift (and the lingerie) REALLY was.

A year later, I still tease him about that birthday gift “for me.” The gesture was sweet, although somewhere down deep we both know that the gift he bought and offered to me was really more for his enjoyment and pleasure.

It was just given in the name of “gift.”

As I prayed about and considered what to add to this chapter of Ms. Spirituality, this simple illustration came to mind. It reminds me of what we often do when it comes to “giving” things to God, all in the name of something spiritual.

Please don't misunderstand me. It’s not that offering things to God is wrong, but rather, we are to offer our very selves to Him, for that is what He truly desires about anything else. But when we offer a “gift” to God, shrouded in the name of “spirituality” yet with a motive of feeding our own flesh, it is not a true sacrifice or spiritual act of surrender. It is simply another way we attempt to give God gifts we really intend to keep for ourselves.

And that, quite honestly, breaks His heart. It was not His idea for us then, and it is not His idea for us now.

Right before I started to write this post, God impressed on my heart to write it without using the word “I” in it. The truth is, as I look back at my blogs from the past, I am surprised at how many times I use that word in every one.

So I began thinking about how to go about writing this blog without using that word. And because I agree with my friend, Mary, that writing about myself in third person might not only be a bit awkward, but also a bit annoying, I began to dig for what God might be trying to say to me through the impression of not using the word “I” in this blog.

I think I’ve figured out His point. Ironically, it is the same main point of the Ms. Spirituality chapter…

In order to please and love God in a genuine and truthful way, “I” must take the “I” out of everything I do for Him.

That includes my gifts of time.

And of service.

And even, of worship.

There is no room in my "gifts" to God for my ego, my self-interests, or my desire for approval from others.

And if I, like Ms. Spirituality, offer God gifts of service to feed my own flesh, I will find myself finally retreating and/or collapsing, exhausted and burnt out from my endless attempt at “doing.” I will find shallow approval in the admiration of others. And I will be left to wonder why I am not fulfilled when I am so clearly “giving” tangible gifts to God.

The truth is, at some point and time, there’s been a little of Ms. Spirituality in all of us.

And what we need to know is that the Almighty Recipient of our “gifts” would much rather have a small, sincere box full of our surrender than a gigantic box full of an ulterior motive. He would much rather have our heart privately than watch a public display of our "oh yes" without any real depth or sincerity.

The bottom line truth to this blog is the bottom line truth of all our service to God, and that is that the ultimate gift giver Himself is interested in the gift, only if it is truly given to Him.

Not wrapped up with His name on it, but bearing the fingerprints of our own desires inside.

P.S. Yes to God girlfriends…I greatly apologize for not getting to your blogs as intended this week. Between deadlines and unexpected company and field trips and life(!), it just wasn’t possible. Please know that your comments are very important to me, as I love to hear how God is working in your heart through this book I am so passionate about. If the Lord will help increase my time capacity…and teach me to how to better manage it…I WILL be by this week! I am continuing to pray for you as you continue on in your journey for truth!

Calf-Like

After already writing nearly 5,000 words about Ms. Happiness, I find myself, tonight, at a loss for words, which is not a usual occurrence for me. I know my copy editor, Jen, would not believe it, but it’s true! :)

So after a few unsuccessful attempts to write something else about this chapter on Ms. Happiness, I have decided, instead, to take a page from my own book and simply keep it real. Since I do not subscribe to Ms. Perfection, I won’t try to write a perfect post. And since I am a recovering Ms. Confidence-a-holic, I won’t try to convince you that I feel like my thoughts are superbly insightful tonight. The truth is, I got nothin’ much. In which case, the best thing I can do is point you to Someone who (thankfully!) doesn’t run out of things to say.

In recent months, Malachi 4:2 has become one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible because it talks about two of my preferred life themes on this truth-filled journey…healing and freedom. Friends, munch on this…

“But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.” (NLT)

Now I admit that when I first read this verse, the thought of being compared to a calf did not initially appeal to me. I’d rather prefer to be matched up to the likeness of a gazelle with strong, beautiful legs or a white fluffy swan with a long, elegant neck. I’ll take the healing…the freedom…and the joy, but the calf? No, thank you.

But still, this example of a calf intrigued me. Wholeheartedly believing that God is a purposeful God who doesn’t give illustrations without reason, I decided to do some research into just what happens when a calf is let out to pasture. I wanted to find out why He used that particular example in this favorite verse of mine in Malachi.

And what I discovered gave me the answer I was looking for. And then some.

Evidently, when a young calf is let out to pasture for the very first time, it is quite a sight to behold. I’ve been told that if I ever get the opportunity to see it, I need to have my camera ready, because it is supposed to be completely incredible. Because when the iron gate that has kept the calf properly confined has it's grand opening, the newly freed calf leaps and jumps and sprints with its tail high in the air. And then it changes direction and leaps and sprints, again. Its legs run with passion, as it is experiencing freedom for the very first time in its life. Its ecstasy at gaining liberty is exhibited in the raw motion of its joy-filled jumping.

Freedom. Joy. These are words I like. And if a byproduct of having them means I will be compared to a calf in the process, then please, call me a bovine.

I think if we’re honest we’ll admit that some of us haven’t felt free for a very long time. We haven’t quite felt like leaping. Life hasn’t given us anything in particular to sprint over. And we certainly haven’t felt a driving passion to run towards anything. So we have settled, instead, for giving the old 1-2-3 “cheese,” while our insides wilt and sag and reside safely in a world of familiar confinement….a place where our souls hide behind the iron gates, longing to one day be let out to take off in a full-on sprint.

If you are feeling that way, may I encourage you, tonight, with Malachi 4:2?

His ways are healing. His plan offers freedom. His truth brings life.

And He is waiting for you to drop the happy routine long enough to let Him show you what true joy is all about.

Calf-like joy.

P.S. I will be kicking off a new BTE study at our church's main campus tomorrow night, but I will be by to comment on your posts by the weekend. Thank you for your patience with me, as I am truly blessed everytime I read your posts! And...please check back with me on Monday, as I am planning to post on Ms. Spirituality in preparation for Lelia's Tuesday post. I have a few things I want to say about this chapter before you post. Hang on, girls, this one's tough. But you are already well on your way in this truth-filled journey, and the really good stuff will be here before you know it. Just have a little more work to do, first. Remember...He's holding your heart in the process. :)

The Sound of New Life

I am pausing from my weekly post on another chapter of Behind Those Eyes to spend a day in celebration over the sweetest sound I have ever heard…

The high-pitched voice of my tiny little curly-headed 6 year old, praying to ask Jesus into her heart.

I “happened” to walk by to hear the whole exchange. As her earthly daddy prayed with her, my sweet angel girl told her heavenly Daddy she loved Him and wanted Him to come into her heart. She has loved Him for quite a while, showing it in cute little ways like writing notes that say “I love you, God” and “I heart Jesus.” But now she has loved Him enough to give Him her life. Little does she know that the truth is, He loved her enough to give life back to her.

Tonight, my daughter received life eternal. And my heart couldn’t be more joyful about that. It is beyond words to say I am ecstatic over her decision. I have been through it twice before, as both of my boys have already made that glorious decision. But it is something that could never become routine.

Three children. All different. Each in need of a Savior. And as of tonight, all three have accepted Him.

Amazing.

In this day and time, this joy-filled mom is grateful that I follow Someone who is powerful enough to carry them through the days to come, no matter what economic or moral crisis comes up. Praise God that He has led them to trust in the only One who will be standing victorious in the end!

We share life on this earth, now we will share life eternal in heaven.

I will post on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, at the latest. Forgive me, I’m too busy partying right now!

New Life Rocks!

Salt Water Sweetness

Hello, bloggy friends!

As you read this, I am at the beach with my family for a long weekend. The kids are out of school, and we are enjoying time with my husband’s parents in a beautiful and serene environment! No computer…limited phone service…and lots of Krispy Kremes! Oh, can’t you just smell the freedom (and the glazing) oozing from the computer screen? :)

I will post tomorrow on the 4th chapter of Behind Those Eyes, Ms. Happiness. Even if you are not participating in this online study, I would still love for you to stop by and visit. I plan on still posting on Mondays throughout these weeks of study, and it will be a regular post, like always.

For my Yes to God Girlfriends, I am excited to share another piece of this journey with you! I am praying that God will continue to convince you by His Holy Spirit that living out Psalm 26:3 is the only way to live! (Look it up! :))

On the journey with you!

Rocked...Driven...Stripped

Yes to God Girlfriends,
I want you to know how much I am praising God for all your posts and comments on the chapters you are reading! As a girl who doesn’t like generics (except for the kind that cost me less :), I found myself writing many of the same comments on all your blogs! But please know that it wasn’t because I set out to write the same thing. It was because the same thing was true for so many of you…I hear God stirring in your hearts and getting you to dig down and allow Him to reveal things to you! He’s moving you to ask questions and search your soul and look at things you have stuffed inside as a means of survival for so long. And it blesses me so much to get to read about how that is no longer comforting to you and how you, by the power of God’s Holy Spirit, want to change those things from this point forward!

I am so heartened to hear you doing the work. It occurred to me lately that in this day and time, many women want the freedom in Christ but do not want to do the work to get there. You are doing the work, though hard. It shows, and God has something amazing for you up ahead as you persevere. I am “confident” of that! :)

Speaking of which, as I write this post, something has just happened that has shaken my personal confidence a bit. Good thing I already read the chapter and know that my confidence doesn’t come from what I do or don’t do or how I “wear” it! So now, I will proceed with holy confidence – the only kind I need -- in writing this post! Surely I didn’t think I would get by without being tested on this issue, myself, now did I? :)

Not long ago, a very well intentioned person interpreted my commitment to truth and authenticity as a lack of confidence and told me so. I understood where they were coming from, as my writing does tend to let you in on my very real world of fears…insecurities… and struggles, and the reality of that is that sometimes, it isn’t very pretty. But for a girl who wrote the chapter on Ms. Confidence with one pen stroke of her own experiences, this comment by a sweet friend really got me thinking. A lot.

So as is my custom when I need to escape and think, I headed for my bathroom, the one place that I have painstakingly established as “mom’s room” in the house. It is also, incidentally, where God speaks to me the very most. Almost right away, the dialogue began.

Me: Father…I have confidence, right?

Him: Silence.

Me: I mean…do I really sound like I don’t have confidence? I thought what I was doing in my blogs was sharing my heart and just being real in the process! But now I wonder if that is what is being translated to my readers! I don’t want them to think I am a woman of great insecurities OR great confidence…I just want them to know I am simply being real.

Him: Is this about what you think or what they think?

Me: Hmmm…don’t really know about that one. Either way, does it matter? The point is, what do YOU think?

Him: I don’t want you to have confidence.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Right. You don’t. Maybe that comment was a compliment, then. Maybe what she heard me say was true…that I have absolutely no confidence in me, whatsoever. Maybe she was right on.

Him: Silence.

Me: Umm, Lord? I sure could use your input on this one.

Him: Lisa, when I ask you to do something it should rock you to your core. It should drive you to your knees. It should strip away any confidence you have in yourself. You need to know that. And someone in your class needs to hear that. Tell that to them tonight.

Just about to go and teach my Wednesday night Bible Study group about Ms. Confidence, I had already prepared what I was going to share from the chapter. But the moment God and I began having this conversation, I knew immediately that THIS was the message He wanted relayed. And as I sat in my bathroom, thinking about these words, I remembered what the truth about confidence really is and what it’s been in my life.

Rocked to my very core.
My father’s large-scale ministry being tarnished and what people thought of him and me and my entire family. Him losing his church, the life we once knew and facing prison.

Driven to my knees because it was so out of my control.
My husband lost his job and was out of work for 18 months, while I tried to be a wife and mom to three preschoolers, and hold my life together in the process.

Stripped of any confidence I had in myself because it was too big, too scary, too important, too unknown.
This whole unexpected, unsolicited ministry thing. The speaking, the writing, the struggle to know what’s real and what’s not.

I have been in all of those places in my life. And it’s not only been the big things like these, but also many other things people might not see as significant but have changed my life in ways I haven’t asked for.

I know that if God lets me live on this earth and serve Him longer, I will visit those places many times, again. I know I will be rocked to my core, again. I know I will be driven to my knees to pray my heart out, again. I know I will feel scared and unsure and reluctant and just plain frightened to do what I know God wants me to do, again. These things I know.

And believing every word of 2 Corinthians 3:4, (“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God.”) I also know that those things are a tangible symptom of God doing things through me that my humanly created self cannot do. Including forgiving someone who has crushed me, saying “yes” to Him when I really want to say “no,” and allowing myself to be real, even to the point of being seen as lacking confidence.

When I shared the "bathroom message" that God so clearly laid on my heart with my Bible Study women that night, there was a definite sense that God got His point across. I could literally almost see His thoughts penetrating hearts as I spoke it, and there was a tangible spirit of power in the room at that moment. I felt it, and by the emails I got later, so did many others. And the one thing I told them that night is the same thing I will exhort you with in this post…

If God is not rocking your world significantly…or allowing things in your life to drive you to your knees…or stripping you of any confidence you have in yourself, it’s not because He doesn’t want to. And I challenge you to pray that He will.

The question is...are you “confident” enough in Him to ask Him to do some rocking…driving…and stripping away in your life? If you believe in yourself, no. But if you believe in Him and the message of 2 Corinthians 3:4, yes.

And along the way, if someone tells you that you need to get some confidence, tell them “thank you.”

When the Poised Breaks

When the night silence surrounds her and the darkness of her room swallows her up, she will be the one with her face in the pillow, crying until her eyes won’t open.

And then morning will come, and the desire inside her to seem as though she holds it all together will rise with the A.M. sun.

Ms. Confidence is back.

She wouldn’t want me to tell you this, though. It would be too painful for her to know that someone might be on to her charade. It’s a cover she’s been perfecting for a very long time.

But there’s more.

Sometimes she wishes that people wouldn’t expect her to be the strong one. Sometimes she wishes people would realize they inadvertently push her into that role. Sometimes she wishes they would see that their own needs cause her to try to be that and more to them. And she wishes they knew how often that led to her breakdowns on her pillow at night.

It’s not that she blames them for her pretense. She’s full aware that it’s a decision she makes for herself. It’s just that anytime she’s tried to be weak, it confused people. Made them uncomfortable. Even caused some to run away.

The truth is, if she could let down long enough and believe in her heart that you wouldn’t take off, she might even tell you a few more things she’s been holding in.

She would probably tell you that her shoulders are tired from carrying the weight of the world on them. That her arms are tired from juggling the demands of life. That her feelings get hurt much more than they don’t. That she just may be the MOST sensitive out of the entire bunch.

But she doesn’t think you can handle it if you know that about her. She’s not sure she can handle it, herself.

In some ways, she knows that there is great value in allowing herself to become vulnerable, even though the mere thought of it sends shivers up her spine. At some point she has been hurt, which caused her wall to go up. So her confident shell is sometimes worn so people can’t hurt her again. Though the words written on her insides are
crushed,
bruised,
and
compromised.

And now, when you ask her to take off that mask of confidence she has worn for so long, she doesn’t know how to do it. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. It’s just that she knows nothing else. It has become a part of her. Her comfort is in the charade and in order for that charade to stop, she has to lose a part of herself.

And that thought just plain hurts.

Oh, and there’s one more thing you need to know. When she crashes, she crashes hard. When she tells you she is at her limit, she really means it.

You may not see all this or know it, but that is all a part of the charade. The truth is, you aren’t safe enough to be let into her private world of pillowed cries. It’s too personal. It would require that “V” word, again. And that’s just too scary. So she keeps you at arm’s length.

But in the deepest places of her heart, she knows there is Someone who does know. She forgets that sometimes, when she’s struggling. But He’s been there with her before, in those moments when she simply cannot keep up the charade and even if for just a minute, lets the confident act go.

With Him, she finds safety. She finds comfort. She finds strength and consistency. He doesn’t expect anything out of her or need to get anything from her. He doesn’t require her to be strong, in fact, He wants her to be weak.

Vulnerable.

Needy.

Exposed.

All the things she is afraid of.

But when she cries with her face in the pillow at night, as the darkness of the room swallows her up, He is there to wipe the tears. And tell her He knows how she really feels. And remind her that confidence is not something she can put on. And encourage her to drop the weights…pull the mask off…and let herself free fall into His strong arms of understanding.

The only place to be when the poised breaks.

P.S. I am praying for you, Yes to God girlfriends, as you continue going “Behind Those Eyes.” I will post again on Friday to comment on your posts about Ms. Confidence and to post about something God very specifically showed me about “confidence” that I shared with my Wednesday night Bible study women a few weeks ago that completely rocked my world.

3 Little Big Words

Lord, help me.

I utter those words a lot.

Like when I’m on the tennis court and my softball playing, home run hitting, much more athletically inclined friend sends a ball smokin’ through the air, aimed right at me.


(As we have concluded our last lesson, here is the picture I promised of my compadres and myself with our tennis coach, Jamey. Our 4th, my awesome girlfriend, Kim, (who I just like so much it’s insane!) left before we took the picture. Super close friend who I love to study the Bible with, Laura, is to the right of Coach Jamey. Said home run hitting BFF, Wendy, is on the far right.)







But tennis lessons aren’t the only time I spoke those three words this week.

Between Wednesday night Bible Study and the online study of Behind Those Eyes, God is rocking my world in significant ways through the testimonies of women all over who are reading the book and allowing Him to peel back layers of their heart that have kept them in bondage, sometimes for years. After reading such an email from one woman who shared her heart and pain with me, I just sat on my bathroom floor and cried. And said those words.

Lord, help me.

I knew I couldn’t change her circumstance or her past.

I knew I couldn’t provide enough wisdom or counsel to make her pain go away.

I knew I couldn’t say enough words to convince her that her Heavenly Father sees her…knows her…and cares for her in the most complete and yet, gentle way.

And in the midst of my cleansing moment on the bathroom floor, I was reminded of how many times I have uttered those same words for myself.

Lord, help me…

…be willing to surrender all of myself to you, even those secret places I don’t like to think about.

…juggle life. I feel pulled in so many directions and I’m not sure I am very effective at anything some days.

…rest in You. Stop worrying about the “next” or even, the “now.”

…love people I don’t like. Pray for people who ask me to. Care more about the needs of others than my own.

…do this whole wife thing. I don’t think I’m very good at it and I’m sure my husband might agree.

…be the kind of mom who loves God so desperately that her kids want to love Him desperately, too.

…realize that it’s OK to give up control. In fact, it’s necessary.

…let go of things I need to let go of and hold on to things I need to hold onto.

…crave You, desire You, worship You, love You…above all else. Put nothing in front of You and make sure that’s not just what I say.

How beautiful and comforting it is to know that I can go to God and only have to say three little words to be released from handling my life. It ministers to my soul to know that when I am in such a place that I can only muster them and nothing else, they are enough. My speech doesn’t have to be eloquent…my words don’t need to sound right…and I don’t need to know how the rest of the story is gonna turn out to ask Him for help. I just need to let Him know that I recognize my helpless, hopeless condition that requires His help and hope and guidance for whatever lies ahead for me.

And in those moments, He will be quick…and thorough…and reliable…to do just that.

If this past week is any indicator of the week that lies ahead, I'm quite sure this very week, those 3 little big words will be (once again) spoken by me. I'm so glad He doesn't mind that I repeat myself alot.

“Listen, GOD! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar…” (Psalm 5:1-3a – The Message)