Show, Not Tell

By nature, I am a person who prefers a moment of private self-discovery to a 2 x 4 to the head. I am a bit of a rebel (at least in my own mind), and I like to come to my own conclusions. Which has, incidentally, not always proven to be the best way to maneuver my way through life. I have always done things the hard way, it seems. (Enter those painful 2 x 4 moments.)

So when someone tries to tell me something to do or be, I admit that my first reaction is not always one of reception but often one of skepticism or outright rebellion. Looking back on the patterns of my life I see that the people I have respected the very most are the ones who modeled the behavior they talked to me about or taken my hand and very gently led me to the place I wanted to be rather than bashed me over the head with their opinions.

The people I look up to the most are what I call show-ers, not tellers.

It is what I pray often to be in my writing, my speaking, and even, in my personal relationships. To me, being a “show-er” spills over from this whole passion to simply be real. I’m no expert at it by any means, but I’m praying I’ll get better.

It is for that reason that I introduced you to the characters in chapters 2-5 of Behind Those Eyes first. Because they are the ways in which we, as women, choose pretense over truth and conceal for things in our soul that hurt and effect us…things like fear…loneliness…insecurity…and jealousy. I suspect that had I come in and tried to be a “teller” and tell you these things you and I cover for right off the bat, you might have mutinied against the idea and never gotten past chapter one or two. Instead, my goal was to “show” you those roles we play…to see for yourself. I pray it has been received into your heart and you have had those private moments of self-discovery with God holding your hand as you walked through it. Because in order to face some of the ugliest of truths about the massive cover-up of all womankind that you just read about, our hearts had to be in a place where we were ready to receive such honest and raw truth.

Chapters 6 and 7 to me are the culmination of the truth hurting that I talk about so much in chapter one. They were some of the toughest chapters for me to write because even saying words like fear…loneliness…and most of all, jealousy, are so ugly to me that I resist the characterizations. However, in my case, they are fair, accurate and right on.

Ouch.

I have been all of these things at times in my life. Fearful. Lonely. Insecure. Jealous. I could list the ways I have acted out these things but neither one of us has the time. But writing about them in this book was cathartic for me in some way. It was in those quiet moments at my computer that I had many of my own private moments of self-discovery. And in talking with other women since then, I have come to realize that these concealed feelings are no stranger to ANY of us.

What I found when I looked at those very ugly things I have, at times, covered for by my "impersonations" is that if I boil it all down, my love of self is at the very root. Of course, I don’t think of it that way at the time, but that’s exactly what it is. When I am flying, fearful the entire time, what I am really doing is thinking about MY fears…myself. God convicted me of this lately and reminded me that if I were to spend my time on the plane, focusing on His attributes and praising Him for those attributes, it would be much harder to dwell on my fears. Well, how could I argue with that? :)

The same is true of loneliness…”I feel alone.”
God is good, God is caring.

Or insecurity… “I feel unsure.”
God is faithful, God is trustworthy.

Or jealousy… “I feel envious.”
God is powerful. God is holy.

Or dissatisfaction with life… “I feel disappointed.”
God is wonderful. God is satisfying.

I am not saying that all our lonely and jealous and insecure feelings will go away every time we acknowledge an attribute of God. What I am saying is that often times the feelings we conceal blaze out of control because of our magnification of self.

And that’s the truth of chapters 6 and 7.

But wanna hear some really good news? That's not where it ends. We are finally in the last section of the book, “The Real Deal.” And oh, sisters, I believe what you read in the last three chapters will be worth every minute of the journey you took to get there. Please don’t stop now. The best stuff is yet to be read.

As you look at the titles of the next two chapters, you may, at first glance, see some things you have read in other books before. I acknowledge that. But my prayer for you is that as you go into reading these chapters you will ask God to give you fresh eyes to read the timeless truths in front of you and speak to your heart so directly that you can’t mistake His message. You’ve done the hard work and now I believe your heart is ready like maybe never before to receive the message of the real deal. I think you'll see when you read it that this journey has been completely necessary. At least, that is my highest hope and prayer.

And may I ask you to do one more thing? Please don't skip the study questions and "getting real" action steps in the study for the remaining chapters. It is especially important to do the questions and activities in these coming chapters, because it could well mean the difference between knowing things in your head and completely believing them in the deepest places of your heart. I promise if you do them, you will see some beautiful things happen in your life. The last three chapters of the book are my favorite. They are the message of my heart. They are the message of my Jesus, the ultimate "show-er" of truth.

They are a message, my friend, for you.

Praying with you for fresh eyes to see truth!

The One Time It's Ok to Be Someone Else

Sometimes we forget that not every one looks exactly like us. And not just in the way of physical appearances. It’s more about what we “look like” in life.

It’s not that we want to be narrow in our thinking or completely self-focused. It’s just that when we are in a particular season of life, we often forget that not everyone is in that same season with us. Or when we have lived a certain way or been given a set of circumstances or born with a built-in identity, we forget that not everyone has walked that road or lived that life or has been influenced by our particular culture or mindset. And that has a potential to cause women to feel much more divided than is helpful or even, necessary. Honestly, it happens all the time.

And in order to get in a mode of empathy rather than division, it may well be necessary to slip on someone else’s shoes, even if just for a moment.

When I started writing my first book, I learned a valuable lesson about this. My very wise editor encouraged me to try to write the book from the perspective of every woman who might read it, and not just the woman I happened to be. Obviously, my own experiences would be on the forefront of my mind, so I would likely write best about what I knew. But I really wanted to stretch myself to write for my audience, many of whom would not “look like” me.

Everytime I write, that thought comes to the forefront of my mind. Whether I’m writing or speaking, I truly try to sit in my audience and BE every woman who will ever read something I write or hear something I say. I’m sure I don’t do this well every time. I am the first to admit to sometimes being in "tunnel-vision" mode. Obviously I can't not write about what is very much my life -- being a wife...a mom...a Christian. But my strongest desire is never to isolate a certain population of women who, because of outside circumstances, I don’t, at first glance, resemble.

Every woman looks different. She might be a single woman. Or maybe, she’s married. Possibly divorcing. Juggling motherhood. Or never been a mom. 18 and eager. At the mid-life point. A Christian all her life. Just recently saved. Searching, but not yet a believer. Baptist. Not Baptist. From the South. From a different country. Been abused. Been indulged. Frugal. Spends her every last dime. Has a great relationship with her mother. She and her mother don’t even speak. And the list goes on.

For me, being every woman has been a powerful exercise in grace. It has made me much more aware and much more accepting and loving of the woman who doesn’t look just like me but needs His grace just the same. It has made me be able to take the tunnel-vision off my circumstances and find ways to relate to a woman who, on the outside, may have a life that is nothing like mine. Because as I wrote about in this post, when we look at the women around us in this way, we find much more in common than we at first think.

If you’ve read my blog or books you know that I am usually the biggest proponent of simply being yourself and embracing who God made you to be, never trying to be someone else. So the title of this blog might have, at first, sounded strange to you! But if in your effort to see the women around you with eyes of grace for their journey that doesn't necessarily look like yours you need to “become” them for that moment, then this one time, I wholeheartedly encourage you to do it.

Be that woman in the cubicle next to you at work that rubs you the wrong way.

Be that woman in your carline who drives a car different from yours.

Be that woman who differs from you, politically.

Be that woman who has a different marital status than you do.

Be that woman who is/isn’t parenting someone.

Be that woman whose personality isn’t at all like yours.

Be that woman who you are sure doesn’t have a care in the world.

Be that woman who is visibly struggling so much it scares you away.

And know that when you do, you may just see something different than you originally thought. You might just develop more understanding and you may just find more grace. You might begin to feel her pain. You may even find yourself able, on some level, to relate.

You might just find a friend.

It's worth slipping those shoes on to find out.

P.S. See you tomorrow, Yes to God, girlfriends, for my post on Behind Those Eyes, chapters 6 and 7!

I, Me, and My Gifts

He carried it into the room, breathing heavy but grinning madly.

“Well, here it is, honey. Your birthday present. Happy Birthday, Lisa!”

I stared for a minute at the massive cardboard box. Sizing it up, I quickly determined that the tiny pair of earrings I had been eyeing at Zales was NOT inside.

Scotty could hardly suppress his excitement as he lifted the bulky box off the concealed present. When it was finally uncovered, I paused at the sight of all 42 inches of Magnavox staring back at me.

“Is this for me, honey? A flat screen TV? Are you sure it’s a birthday present for me?” I asked.

“Yes! Of course it is! Don’t you like it?” he replied back.

“Well…uh…sure. Thanks, honey…for MY birthday present. It’s kind of like that lingerie you bought ME on our anniversary. Something for ME, right?” I grinned at him and he grinned back, sheepishly. Without a word, both of us knew what the deal with the birthday gift (and the lingerie) REALLY was.

A year later, I still tease him about that birthday gift “for me.” The gesture was sweet, although somewhere down deep we both know that the gift he bought and offered to me was really more for his enjoyment and pleasure.

It was just given in the name of “gift.”

As I prayed about and considered what to add to this chapter of Ms. Spirituality, this simple illustration came to mind. It reminds me of what we often do when it comes to “giving” things to God, all in the name of something spiritual.

Please don't misunderstand me. It’s not that offering things to God is wrong, but rather, we are to offer our very selves to Him, for that is what He truly desires about anything else. But when we offer a “gift” to God, shrouded in the name of “spirituality” yet with a motive of feeding our own flesh, it is not a true sacrifice or spiritual act of surrender. It is simply another way we attempt to give God gifts we really intend to keep for ourselves.

And that, quite honestly, breaks His heart. It was not His idea for us then, and it is not His idea for us now.

Right before I started to write this post, God impressed on my heart to write it without using the word “I” in it. The truth is, as I look back at my blogs from the past, I am surprised at how many times I use that word in every one.

So I began thinking about how to go about writing this blog without using that word. And because I agree with my friend, Mary, that writing about myself in third person might not only be a bit awkward, but also a bit annoying, I began to dig for what God might be trying to say to me through the impression of not using the word “I” in this blog.

I think I’ve figured out His point. Ironically, it is the same main point of the Ms. Spirituality chapter…

In order to please and love God in a genuine and truthful way, “I” must take the “I” out of everything I do for Him.

That includes my gifts of time.

And of service.

And even, of worship.

There is no room in my "gifts" to God for my ego, my self-interests, or my desire for approval from others.

And if I, like Ms. Spirituality, offer God gifts of service to feed my own flesh, I will find myself finally retreating and/or collapsing, exhausted and burnt out from my endless attempt at “doing.” I will find shallow approval in the admiration of others. And I will be left to wonder why I am not fulfilled when I am so clearly “giving” tangible gifts to God.

The truth is, at some point and time, there’s been a little of Ms. Spirituality in all of us.

And what we need to know is that the Almighty Recipient of our “gifts” would much rather have a small, sincere box full of our surrender than a gigantic box full of an ulterior motive. He would much rather have our heart privately than watch a public display of our "oh yes" without any real depth or sincerity.

The bottom line truth to this blog is the bottom line truth of all our service to God, and that is that the ultimate gift giver Himself is interested in the gift, only if it is truly given to Him.

Not wrapped up with His name on it, but bearing the fingerprints of our own desires inside.

P.S. Yes to God girlfriends…I greatly apologize for not getting to your blogs as intended this week. Between deadlines and unexpected company and field trips and life(!), it just wasn’t possible. Please know that your comments are very important to me, as I love to hear how God is working in your heart through this book I am so passionate about. If the Lord will help increase my time capacity…and teach me to how to better manage it…I WILL be by this week! I am continuing to pray for you as you continue on in your journey for truth!

Calf-Like

After already writing nearly 5,000 words about Ms. Happiness, I find myself, tonight, at a loss for words, which is not a usual occurrence for me. I know my copy editor, Jen, would not believe it, but it’s true! :)

So after a few unsuccessful attempts to write something else about this chapter on Ms. Happiness, I have decided, instead, to take a page from my own book and simply keep it real. Since I do not subscribe to Ms. Perfection, I won’t try to write a perfect post. And since I am a recovering Ms. Confidence-a-holic, I won’t try to convince you that I feel like my thoughts are superbly insightful tonight. The truth is, I got nothin’ much. In which case, the best thing I can do is point you to Someone who (thankfully!) doesn’t run out of things to say.

In recent months, Malachi 4:2 has become one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible because it talks about two of my preferred life themes on this truth-filled journey…healing and freedom. Friends, munch on this…

“But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.” (NLT)

Now I admit that when I first read this verse, the thought of being compared to a calf did not initially appeal to me. I’d rather prefer to be matched up to the likeness of a gazelle with strong, beautiful legs or a white fluffy swan with a long, elegant neck. I’ll take the healing…the freedom…and the joy, but the calf? No, thank you.

But still, this example of a calf intrigued me. Wholeheartedly believing that God is a purposeful God who doesn’t give illustrations without reason, I decided to do some research into just what happens when a calf is let out to pasture. I wanted to find out why He used that particular example in this favorite verse of mine in Malachi.

And what I discovered gave me the answer I was looking for. And then some.

Evidently, when a young calf is let out to pasture for the very first time, it is quite a sight to behold. I’ve been told that if I ever get the opportunity to see it, I need to have my camera ready, because it is supposed to be completely incredible. Because when the iron gate that has kept the calf properly confined has it's grand opening, the newly freed calf leaps and jumps and sprints with its tail high in the air. And then it changes direction and leaps and sprints, again. Its legs run with passion, as it is experiencing freedom for the very first time in its life. Its ecstasy at gaining liberty is exhibited in the raw motion of its joy-filled jumping.

Freedom. Joy. These are words I like. And if a byproduct of having them means I will be compared to a calf in the process, then please, call me a bovine.

I think if we’re honest we’ll admit that some of us haven’t felt free for a very long time. We haven’t quite felt like leaping. Life hasn’t given us anything in particular to sprint over. And we certainly haven’t felt a driving passion to run towards anything. So we have settled, instead, for giving the old 1-2-3 “cheese,” while our insides wilt and sag and reside safely in a world of familiar confinement….a place where our souls hide behind the iron gates, longing to one day be let out to take off in a full-on sprint.

If you are feeling that way, may I encourage you, tonight, with Malachi 4:2?

His ways are healing. His plan offers freedom. His truth brings life.

And He is waiting for you to drop the happy routine long enough to let Him show you what true joy is all about.

Calf-like joy.

P.S. I will be kicking off a new BTE study at our church's main campus tomorrow night, but I will be by to comment on your posts by the weekend. Thank you for your patience with me, as I am truly blessed everytime I read your posts! And...please check back with me on Monday, as I am planning to post on Ms. Spirituality in preparation for Lelia's Tuesday post. I have a few things I want to say about this chapter before you post. Hang on, girls, this one's tough. But you are already well on your way in this truth-filled journey, and the really good stuff will be here before you know it. Just have a little more work to do, first. Remember...He's holding your heart in the process. :)

The Sound of New Life

I am pausing from my weekly post on another chapter of Behind Those Eyes to spend a day in celebration over the sweetest sound I have ever heard…

The high-pitched voice of my tiny little curly-headed 6 year old, praying to ask Jesus into her heart.

I “happened” to walk by to hear the whole exchange. As her earthly daddy prayed with her, my sweet angel girl told her heavenly Daddy she loved Him and wanted Him to come into her heart. She has loved Him for quite a while, showing it in cute little ways like writing notes that say “I love you, God” and “I heart Jesus.” But now she has loved Him enough to give Him her life. Little does she know that the truth is, He loved her enough to give life back to her.

Tonight, my daughter received life eternal. And my heart couldn’t be more joyful about that. It is beyond words to say I am ecstatic over her decision. I have been through it twice before, as both of my boys have already made that glorious decision. But it is something that could never become routine.

Three children. All different. Each in need of a Savior. And as of tonight, all three have accepted Him.

Amazing.

In this day and time, this joy-filled mom is grateful that I follow Someone who is powerful enough to carry them through the days to come, no matter what economic or moral crisis comes up. Praise God that He has led them to trust in the only One who will be standing victorious in the end!

We share life on this earth, now we will share life eternal in heaven.

I will post on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, at the latest. Forgive me, I’m too busy partying right now!

New Life Rocks!

Salt Water Sweetness

Hello, bloggy friends!

As you read this, I am at the beach with my family for a long weekend. The kids are out of school, and we are enjoying time with my husband’s parents in a beautiful and serene environment! No computer…limited phone service…and lots of Krispy Kremes! Oh, can’t you just smell the freedom (and the glazing) oozing from the computer screen? :)

I will post tomorrow on the 4th chapter of Behind Those Eyes, Ms. Happiness. Even if you are not participating in this online study, I would still love for you to stop by and visit. I plan on still posting on Mondays throughout these weeks of study, and it will be a regular post, like always.

For my Yes to God Girlfriends, I am excited to share another piece of this journey with you! I am praying that God will continue to convince you by His Holy Spirit that living out Psalm 26:3 is the only way to live! (Look it up! :))

On the journey with you!

Rocked...Driven...Stripped

Yes to God Girlfriends,
I want you to know how much I am praising God for all your posts and comments on the chapters you are reading! As a girl who doesn’t like generics (except for the kind that cost me less :), I found myself writing many of the same comments on all your blogs! But please know that it wasn’t because I set out to write the same thing. It was because the same thing was true for so many of you…I hear God stirring in your hearts and getting you to dig down and allow Him to reveal things to you! He’s moving you to ask questions and search your soul and look at things you have stuffed inside as a means of survival for so long. And it blesses me so much to get to read about how that is no longer comforting to you and how you, by the power of God’s Holy Spirit, want to change those things from this point forward!

I am so heartened to hear you doing the work. It occurred to me lately that in this day and time, many women want the freedom in Christ but do not want to do the work to get there. You are doing the work, though hard. It shows, and God has something amazing for you up ahead as you persevere. I am “confident” of that! :)

Speaking of which, as I write this post, something has just happened that has shaken my personal confidence a bit. Good thing I already read the chapter and know that my confidence doesn’t come from what I do or don’t do or how I “wear” it! So now, I will proceed with holy confidence – the only kind I need -- in writing this post! Surely I didn’t think I would get by without being tested on this issue, myself, now did I? :)

Not long ago, a very well intentioned person interpreted my commitment to truth and authenticity as a lack of confidence and told me so. I understood where they were coming from, as my writing does tend to let you in on my very real world of fears…insecurities… and struggles, and the reality of that is that sometimes, it isn’t very pretty. But for a girl who wrote the chapter on Ms. Confidence with one pen stroke of her own experiences, this comment by a sweet friend really got me thinking. A lot.

So as is my custom when I need to escape and think, I headed for my bathroom, the one place that I have painstakingly established as “mom’s room” in the house. It is also, incidentally, where God speaks to me the very most. Almost right away, the dialogue began.

Me: Father…I have confidence, right?

Him: Silence.

Me: I mean…do I really sound like I don’t have confidence? I thought what I was doing in my blogs was sharing my heart and just being real in the process! But now I wonder if that is what is being translated to my readers! I don’t want them to think I am a woman of great insecurities OR great confidence…I just want them to know I am simply being real.

Him: Is this about what you think or what they think?

Me: Hmmm…don’t really know about that one. Either way, does it matter? The point is, what do YOU think?

Him: I don’t want you to have confidence.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Right. You don’t. Maybe that comment was a compliment, then. Maybe what she heard me say was true…that I have absolutely no confidence in me, whatsoever. Maybe she was right on.

Him: Silence.

Me: Umm, Lord? I sure could use your input on this one.

Him: Lisa, when I ask you to do something it should rock you to your core. It should drive you to your knees. It should strip away any confidence you have in yourself. You need to know that. And someone in your class needs to hear that. Tell that to them tonight.

Just about to go and teach my Wednesday night Bible Study group about Ms. Confidence, I had already prepared what I was going to share from the chapter. But the moment God and I began having this conversation, I knew immediately that THIS was the message He wanted relayed. And as I sat in my bathroom, thinking about these words, I remembered what the truth about confidence really is and what it’s been in my life.

Rocked to my very core.
My father’s large-scale ministry being tarnished and what people thought of him and me and my entire family. Him losing his church, the life we once knew and facing prison.

Driven to my knees because it was so out of my control.
My husband lost his job and was out of work for 18 months, while I tried to be a wife and mom to three preschoolers, and hold my life together in the process.

Stripped of any confidence I had in myself because it was too big, too scary, too important, too unknown.
This whole unexpected, unsolicited ministry thing. The speaking, the writing, the struggle to know what’s real and what’s not.

I have been in all of those places in my life. And it’s not only been the big things like these, but also many other things people might not see as significant but have changed my life in ways I haven’t asked for.

I know that if God lets me live on this earth and serve Him longer, I will visit those places many times, again. I know I will be rocked to my core, again. I know I will be driven to my knees to pray my heart out, again. I know I will feel scared and unsure and reluctant and just plain frightened to do what I know God wants me to do, again. These things I know.

And believing every word of 2 Corinthians 3:4, (“Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God.”) I also know that those things are a tangible symptom of God doing things through me that my humanly created self cannot do. Including forgiving someone who has crushed me, saying “yes” to Him when I really want to say “no,” and allowing myself to be real, even to the point of being seen as lacking confidence.

When I shared the "bathroom message" that God so clearly laid on my heart with my Bible Study women that night, there was a definite sense that God got His point across. I could literally almost see His thoughts penetrating hearts as I spoke it, and there was a tangible spirit of power in the room at that moment. I felt it, and by the emails I got later, so did many others. And the one thing I told them that night is the same thing I will exhort you with in this post…

If God is not rocking your world significantly…or allowing things in your life to drive you to your knees…or stripping you of any confidence you have in yourself, it’s not because He doesn’t want to. And I challenge you to pray that He will.

The question is...are you “confident” enough in Him to ask Him to do some rocking…driving…and stripping away in your life? If you believe in yourself, no. But if you believe in Him and the message of 2 Corinthians 3:4, yes.

And along the way, if someone tells you that you need to get some confidence, tell them “thank you.”