The Call of the Not-So Wild (Dissatisfaction with Life – Part 2)

So, picture this.

I’m sitting on the tarmac in Newark, waiting to hear from the captain as to whether or not we are going to be allowed to take off. Snow pellets, I hear him say, and something about de-icing the wings for the third time, and get comfortable for a few more minutes and he will keep us posted. I was far from comfortable, and I doubted I could get that way. Something about dwelling thousands of feet in the air in the middle of a snow storm with no front or side air bags was currently turning me off.

It didn’t help that the woman sitting beside me was as close to hysteria as I have personally ever seen. In the few short minutes I had been by her, she had fluctuated between crying…sighing…moaning…and gasping…all while clutching the cross around her neck and squeezing a picture of her three girls. Her children, I presumed.

I would have asked her, but clearly, she was in no mood to talk.

I took the cue, relieved to be alone with my own set of fears. While my baby girl and mom were occupying seats on the other side of the aisle, I was praying a really ambiguous prayer of Lord, please clear up the weather so we can get outta here…and Lord, please don’t let us fly tonight in this icy mess. Clearly, I was conflicted.

Nervous, I decided I needed some comfort food. I dug through my bag to find my favorite Bible. I flipped to the ever-soothing book of Psalm and began to chew on and slowly, swallow Truth. I read about my God’s might…I read about His love…I read about His care. I read about how He was “in charge of the seas and the air and the winds.” I felt my heart calming as I reminded myself of His authority, goodness and grace. He’s got plans for me, I thought. I’m sure I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. The verses I read proved it to me, I was certain.

With thoughts of His sovereignty filling my head, I barely heard the captain’s voice on the intercom system. We have the ok to fly…Seventh in line… is what he said. Part of me was happy to be on my way home, but part of me wanted to go back to get comfortable for a few minutes and he would keep us posted. I could tell the woman beside me was wrestling with these same thoughts. Too bad neither one of us got a vote.

Our very bumpy take-off was followed by a very bumpy ascent, coupled with a very bumpy entrance into the clouds. Determined to keep my mind off of my fear, I decided to crack open the book I brought with me, one I had for a long time but had never got around to reading. I anticipated a great read because it was written by one of my very favorite authors, Erwin McManus.

Knowing the way McManus writes, I should’ve had a clue that it might not be as comfortable as reading one of the Psalms. After all, McManus is not a PC, pacifying, feel-good writer, which is, incidentally, one of the reasons I love to read his stuff. That man speaks truthful words that cut right to my heart.

So I began to read.

10 pages into The Barbarian Way, I was looking for the nearest literary exit. It was so raw. So over-the-top. So risky. Not comfortable at all.

I read about the warriors…the barbarians…the spiritual zealots…the fanatics…all of whom were led by some innate primal call to live impassioned lives for their One True love… Jesus Christ. The journeys of these seemingly loose cannons were risky, challenging, dangerous, complicated, and raw. Some, like John, had violent endings. A once locust-eating longhaired eccentric who lived for God and loved Him passionately despite the fact that God didn’t come through for him like most of us think, hope and pray He will for us if faced with his set of circumstances. In the end, John lost his head but didn’t lose his faith.

Man.

In the midst of my reading, suddenly my Christianity didn’t feel quite so comfortable anymore. It didn’t feel quite so safe and secure. It felt scary…out there…and, at the same time…strangely exciting.

I started thinking about my own set of “what ifs.” What if, in the midst of me living a sold out life for God, He allowed me to suffer in some way? What if He didn’t come through for me like I thought He would or should? What if His plan for my life didn’t include a fantastic ending to an amazingly charmed life with no tangible turbulence or even, crash landings? What then? Did I try to make my Jesus fit into a mold of what I thought He should do for me rather than opting for a life of complete deference to His plans? What if those plans included things that were risky, uncontrollable, and even frightening?

My domesticated side just couldn’t deal with this thought.

But my inner wild child couldn’t bear the thought of living any other way.

As I continued to read, suddenly, the turbulence of the plane felt safer than sitting on the runway. It felt strangely familiar and calming, though weird and radical all at the same time. It felt like a truer picture of the Christian life than I at first wanted to see. It felt more honest than the smooth and turbulence-free ride that I had initially hoped for. It felt risky, and yet, it felt real.

Still, hearing the captain’s voice saying we were going to be landing was a welcome sound. I was ready to be on solid ground, again. The descent was as bumpy as I had expected. Few things had changed since our turbulent take-off a few hours before. The woman beside me was still clutching her cross and crying. My mom and baby girl were still occupying the seats across the aisle. And I was still praying.

Except for now, the prayer was different than before…

Lord, stir the barbaric soul within me.

Now, as then, I want to be fully alive and in the moment. I want to live in such a way that I don’t have to feel safe all the time to feel good. I want to have my heart stirred and awakened and even…terrified…if that is what it means to be fully satisfied. I am convinced John was, even in the face of imminent death. Because though Jesus doesn’t always offer the safe road, He always offers the road more fulfilling.

A smooth ride may get you there with less heart palpitations. But when Jesus is the destination, the ride is really irrelevant.

My, my. What a turbulent plane trip, a good McManus book and the call of a sovereign Tribe Leader will do for you.

Lisa

P.S. Next Monday I will conclude with Part 3 of this series. Sometimes our greatest dissatisfactions in life are not with God, but within ourselves. Come and read how one woman in the Bible got past her self to find her true satisfaction.