Doggone Tired

This fashionista in the cute pink sweater is what has been keeping me busy the past week. (Her sister, sitting underneath her, is doing the same to my girlfriend, Michelle!)

As if PMS, a sinus infection and Thanksgiving dinner at my house this week weren’t stressful enough, my husband and I decided to speed up my impending insanity and adopt a little black fur ball as an early Christmas present for our children. They say she is “man’s best friend” (whoever “they” are), but as of today, I remain unconvinced. Please don't think I'm uncaring, as I grew up dog-less and up until Sunday, had yet to experience the love of being a pet owner. Perhaps my bias comes from the fact I am heavy in the throws of potty training a sweet, precious puppy that prefers my carpet to the great outdoors. Oh, where is the dog whisperer when I need him?

Advice is appreciated. Support and understanding is preferred. :)

So in order to avoid having to don a white straight jacket and reside in a padded room, I have decided to take this week off from blogging. Since I know you support my desire for mental health and well-being, I say "thank you" for the grace as I take a few days off to decompress and bond with our cute little Maggie!

But as we near Thanksgiving Day, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to let you know how much I appreciate you, my bloggy friends, and how thankful I am that God has allowed something I never intended to do in the first place to turn into a most beautiful blessing in my life.

Now I will pray that my experience with said fashionista in the cute pink sweater will turn out the same. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

Picture This

This picture hangs in my living room.

It is the first thing you see when you enter my home.

But it is much more to me than just a beautiful art piece that my amazing artist-friend painted…(And incidentally, painted upside-down at that! www.alancapps.com)

It represents a picture of the last chapter in Behind Those Eyes, The Truth Heals.

As I’ve said before, The Truth Heals is my favorite chapter in the book, without a doubt. It resonates with me like none other, probably because it is the message that took me the longest to own. It was written, almost before any other word in the book. Before I knew exactly how the rest of the chapters would play out, I knew for sure where I wanted to end up…discovering what are the results of a truth-centered life: that of a healed, thriving existence. The results for me didn’t come easy. But I can say that they have been tried and tested and proven true.

To get there I have asked you, my girlfriends, to consider some things. I have asked you to do some things that were not necessarily easy or comfortable. I have asked you to get real and become vulnerable, maybe...for once...and prayerfully...forever.

The first time I introduced truth to you in this book in Chapter One, The Truth Hurts, it likely did not soothe you in the way you craved. Many of you told me so in your emails and posts and comments. Instead, it pushed you and challenged you and made you question whether or not the truth journey was really that important in the first place. You just don’t know how earnestly I prayed that you would stick around long enough to read the end of the story.

And nine chapters and many weeks of soul searching later, my prayer today is that looking at truth now incites different feelings for you than it did on week one. I pray you know today in the deepest place in your soul, all of these beautiful and true things that you are…

Imperfect.

Forgiven.

Loved.

Accepted.

When we are free to be imperfect, loved anyway, and created for a purpose, we see for ourselves that the benefits of facing truth far outweigh any temporary pain we might feel to get there. No matter how hurtful the initial heart digging might have been, it's my strongest belief that living in complete and total authenticity is worth the very painful extrication effort.

I hope and pray that is your testimony.

Now, friends, is the time to apply it. It’s time to live out the message in Behind Those Eyes…the message of TRUTH that the picture hanging on my living room wall represents. As I said in THIS POST (written on week one of the study), I can’t convince you to make the necessary application -- though in the 226 pages of this book, I have certainly presented you with my best plea. But at the end of the day, that is a decision only you can make.

With the study nearing its end, someone recently sent me an email and thanked me for the “simplicity” of this book. When I read the email, the word “simplicity” struck me and I immediately began to think of the book in those terms. Though I love and respect amazing literary works by gifted authors, I also acknowledge and appreciate that my writing translates as “simple” to the reader. I gratefully take the characterization, as I feel in good company. After all, the message of Jesus Christ is simple at its core. (Remember, Jesus said that He made His message easy enough for even children to understand...my paraphrase, of course.)

Yes, the message of Behind Those Eyes is simple, though that has not meant easy. For many of us, we never thought "simple" could be so hard! :) But perhaps the most significant thing we have taken from these past 9 weeks is the realization that growing deeper with God and thriving in life simply cannot happen if we miss the "simple" in search of what seems better. We can’t attend enough conferences to make us well. We can’t marry a good enough person or have enough children. We can’t find a job fulfilling enough. We can’t pretend our way into it.

Truth is simple, friends. But simple doesn’t mean trite. In this case, simple means rich…trouble-free…uncomplicated…and oh-so-fulfilling. It means forming relationships with people that are healthy, maybe for the first time in our life. It means laying our head on the pillow at night and knowing that our life is transparent enough that Satan cannot hold something over us to torture us with. It means having who we are in a heavenly perspective so that we will no longer be defined by any other terms. It means a life of wellness. It means a life of joy. It means a life of contentment. It means a life of purpose.

As you leave this study, my prayer is that the message of Psalm 26:3 will be forever etched on your heart…”for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth." Truth is a daily choice, my friends, hence the word "continually" in this verse. It is something we have to quite literally walk in everyday or we can easily fall into what we’ve fallen into before and walk away from it. And who wants to walk backwards? :)

So, yes to God girlfriends, always think "truth." Always remember "The Real Deal" about who you are. Always run toward health and healing. And know that I will cheer you on, every step of the glorious way!

You have touched my heart in ways you will never understand. Finally getting to hear from you -- the women I sat for hours and wrote this book for – getting to "meet" you, whether living in my backyard or corresponding from across the pond – getting to hear how this book has ministered to your heart…well, you will never know what that has meant. The comments and posts you have written have gone deep. The emails you sent have been read, valued, and prayed over. They have made me remember why God had me write this book in the first place. They have reminded me of how alike we all truly are, in this great big world we temporarily reside in. You have become my girlfriends. And please know that when I make friends, I make them for life.

The fact that you are here, reading this today confirms that God answered my prayer that you would become "convincable" on week one. Thank you for sticking in there and choosing truth. You will never be sorry you journeyed down this path. And remember that the TRUTH is always with you, whether you have His picture hanging in your living room to remind you of that, or not. Walk in it, dear friends. Never stop.

I love you...and I mean it!

And Then She Coasted on Fumes Into Town...

Hi, Friends!

What do a locksmith, a wrecker service, a tornado, getting lost and running out of gas have in common?

Me.

What do amazing people, a weekend away with my husband, hugs, affirmation, and the bond of Christ have in common?

Me, again.

Yes, my weekend was eventful from running out of gas and literally coasting into Greenville for my event…to waking up to the threat of a tornado and a ferocious rainstorm. It was not quite the entrance I would have liked to have made, but even the elements could not stop God from showing up and speaking to hearts at the Wellness Conference I was blessed to be a part of. A big “thank you” to my friends at Cornerstone Missionary Baptist Church who made us feel at home and welcomed and hosted us so graciously. I loved ministering to your wonderful community of people!

And to my friends from the American Association of Christian Writers who attended my sessions in the Writer’s Workshop…it was such a beautiful experience to get to be with you and hear your passion for writing. I share that passion, and I share your love for Jesus! I won’t soon forget any of you. (Fernando, my “write what you see” friend…if you are reading this, please know that I WILL be using your story in the future. Your love for writing is contagious!)

Thank you to all of you who prayed for me about this event, as my preparation was rushed from starting the week out with a terrible stomach bug. I know it was your prayers that helped me get through and re-focus! The message of “Choosing Wellness” was spoken and heard. Praise God for delivering His message despite my inadequacies!

To my “Yes to God” girlfriends, I will post tomorrow…the last post from Behind Those Eyes. I cannot believe this online Bible study journey has come to an end. Though it is physically ending, my prayer is that it will be the start of something new within all of our hearts! What a joy it has been to share these past 9 weeks with all of you! I’ll be visiting and commenting on all your blogs this week. Can't wait! :)

Yet Another Choice

After praying about what to share from Chapter 9 of Behind Those Eyes, I find it interesting that I titled my last Tuesday’s post, “This is my Choice.” Though it was on another subject, I wish I had saved it for this post, because it certainly applies to what I’m going to write about today. Because choices have alot to do with chapter 9, We are Completely Flawed yet Forgiven Completely.

As I reflect back on my journey, I’ve come to realize that most of the time, we make decisions or choices in our life based on one of two things: our pride or our pain. This morning, I share a piece of my journey with you that I have never before shared in a public format. I share it because I feel God’s urging to do so, and I share it, praying that it will in some way help illustrate to you the importance of our choices in life and why God’s forgiveness in those choices completes the picture.

If I’m being honest I have to admit to you that growing up I was indulged a lot. As the daughter of a well-known, well-connected pastor of a large church, I was showered with love, attention, and all the comforts of middle-class America. I was treasured by my parents. I was recognized by my peers. Life was good for me, and it didn’t take me long to begin to think that what made me most comfortable, secure, endorsed, and loved was what was both anticipated and expected. My world as I knew it revolved around me, and I liked it that way.

As a result, for years, my choices in life were made out of pride. My unspoken motto became, “It’s all about me, and I will live my life with me on my mind.” I was flip, arrogant, and unappreciative. I took things for granted. I built my identity on who my daddy was and who he knew. I worshipped the possessive god of pride, and my decisions in life reflected such.

But at a certain point, God chose to rid me of that god. Through a set of circumstances far too complicated to include in this blog, my father’s position at the church he both built and loved came to a screeching halt. Everything I knew and trusted was gone within hours, it seemed. Our family became the subject of whisper and innuendo in our town. The local news captured my parents every move. People we knew and loved no longer asked us to dinner. Where once I was accepted, I soon became rejected. It was a difficult time and a difficult journey to go on as a young woman embarking on a life journey of my own and not yet having anything, really, figured out.

The grip of pride now stripped from me, I looked for other viable options to drive my decision making. Since status and notoriety were now gone, I turned to another source to guide my every decision. Out of the heart-wrenching circumstances I weathered with my family I found another way to make life choices. This time, my choices in life were made out of my pain.

My new unspoken motto became, “I’ve been hurt, I am hurt, and I will live my life, acting out of that pain.” I indulged. I compromised. I behaved badly. I flat out rebelled. All because my heart was in a great deal of pain. And all the while, I foolishly thought that I was in control of my own choices. What I didn’t have the ability to see was that my choices were controlling me. I was just a puppet on a very short string, making choices based on the pain that was in my heart over my loss of identity…betrayal of trust…and feelings of being discarded by people I cared about.

I was hurting in the kind of way that no amount of antibiotic would heal. It was an internal kind of pain that ached like none other, and it was so raw and so real. It became easy to act out of my pain, almost unconsciously. It became what I knew for several years. As is always the case, my damaging actions just led to much more of the pain I so wanted to rid myself of in the first place.

I share that small piece of my journey with you to acknowledge to you and to myself what God is already intimately aware of…that I have made many bad choices in my life. Because the truth is, a choice made out of pride or pain will never harvest growth or produce health. It will only guide you to walk away from truth instead of walking in it. I know this, because I did it for years.

Girlfriends, it’s easy for me to get the part in chapter 9 about being completely flawed because…well…I have lived with myself for 37 years now. I’ve been there and personally witnessed myself in compromises, mistakes, and big trophy-level sins. But forgiving myself for those things…well…that is a bit harder.

But as is the goodness of God, through the years He has shown me that both are things I have to accept. I cannot take one of out the equation because they really go hand-in-hand. If I am forgiven, I have to first be flawed. Of course, being flawed does not carry with it an expected forgiveness on an earthly level. But in God’s grace universe, we know that it does.

As I share on page 165, “But when I realized in my heart and it began to sink into my soul that being so deeply flawed left me with the ability to be forgiven by God equally, the flaws suddenly felt really important to the process.” To me, that is the core message of this chapter and the core message of my heart: a former prideful and pain-driven choice-maker who finally realized that her flaws allowed her to be forgiven in a completely equal way. And that thought alone has changed the way I make my choices.

The thought that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, accepted or forgiven has made me run toward things like being real, honest and authentic. When I do not have to hide anything from my sinless Creator, I do not have to hide myself from others. Though sometimes my pride and pain still tempts to guide my choices, now I choose something else to determine the way I live my life…

I choose to be a flawed, forgiven daughter of God. That choice leaves me with no regret. It is the choice of TRUTH.

Pride and pain just can't compete with that.

P.S. I cannot believe that this online Bible Study journey has almost reached its end! It’s been so awesome for me to take part in it – beyond words. But I’ll save the mushy stuff for next week, the last post. :) As I am traveling this weekend, I will be reading your posts. I may not have time to comment on them, but please know they are being read by me. And girlfriends, Chapter 10 is my favorite chapter in the book. I can’t wait for you to read it and hear your thoughts. I’ll give you mine next Tuesday. Until then…CHOOSE TRUTH! :)

Needing some Grace...and prayers!

Well, friends...in a matter of 24-hours, I went from a birthday coma to a nasty bug of some sort. Because of that, the post I planned to have up this morning will be a bit delayed. I plan on posting it by this evening, but my children are home from school today and I want to give them my full attention. So...it could be later. If you will, just keep checking and it will eventually show up. Thanks for the grace! :)

Also, please pray for me as I prepare for a speaking engagement this weekend in Greenville, NC. I am the featured speaker for a community "Wellness Conference," and I will also be speaking to the American Association of Christian Writers in that area. I am excited to do both, but I am also a bit behind in my preparation at this point. My husband will be traveling with me, which is a unique treat for me! But since I am slated to speak three times on Saturday, I am trying hard not to get in worry mode with my sessions being incomplete. I need focus...direction...and TIME...to get my session talks finished. Could you pray that God will give me those things in the coming 72-hours?

What a blessing it is to be able to be real with you and ask you, my bloggy friends, to pray for me! Thank you, as always, for your love and support.

37 Candles

Hi friends!
Forgive me for not posting something more meaningful this morning, but I am still in a bit of a birthday coma from yesterday. To those who have emailed me and those who have posted on Facebook, thank you for all your well wishes! Boy, do I feel loved!

I'll post tomorrow, and I hope you'll be back. God is prompting me to write about a piece of my journey I have never shared before, so I will be blogging about that as it relates to chapter 9 in Behind Those Eyes. Regardless of whether or not you are participating in the online study, I think you'll find something in the post to relate to.

See you then!

This is My Choice

Tonight, I made a choice.

I made the choice to worship, not worry.

As I stood in my kitchen, trying desperately to avoid turning on the TV…trying not to stress eat…and looking for something to make me feel better about the imminent results of the election, something within me told me to start worshipping God. It was the only thing I could think of to make me feel better.

So I did.

With the rest of the house sleeping, I began to worship Him in the ways I knew how. I thanked Him for His attributes of strength and sovereignty. I told Him how much I loved Him. I quietly sang, “I worship you…most Holy God…there is none like you…I give you praise…for you are my righteousness…” I didn’t request anything of Him. I simply worshipped Him, despite the tsunami swirling around me.

I am not in denial about where things are in our country right now. My worshipping did not change the results of electoral votes or the color of states. But it gave me the peace I was desperately looking for just minutes before. It made me think about how much of my worry is due to the fact that I want to know outcomes and control things. It reminded me of how many times I say I trust God and secretly wish He won’t ask me to prove it.

My worship tonight reminded me that now is the time to put my trust to the test. Now is the time to fully surrender. To admit that I don’t have it all figured out. To own the fact that I would really like to be “in the know” about His plans for what looks like a very dismal future.

Through my worshipping, I am reminded that I am not to know those things. I am, instead, to put feet to all the things I believe, blog about, and speak. I’m to let that faith kick in when my flesh cries out to, in some way, put my faith somewhere else.

I’m to worship Him. For how powerful He is. How good He is. How amazingly wise He is.

It is the best thing I can possibly do.

It is the only thing I know to do.

It is my choice.

And I choose to worship, because my God has not changed between November 3 and November 5.

Thank you, God. I worship you.